Happy New Year's Fellow Shredders!

It's New Year's Eve here in the Philippines. The States still has a day left. I'll do an official happy to y'all soon. To quote Bec, "busy. busy. busy."

I'll be 36 years old in 10 days. Weird.

Homeward bound?

I've only mentioned it to my sister and here. My walking is getting really stable, and I think I may be able to get on a plane by the end of February. In anticipation of being able to go home, I'm expanding my online business. It'll be a real stretch to get the bulk of my new website up and turning a profit in just two months, but if I have any hope of meeting everybody in March that's what it's going to take. Plus, I just cannot get my head around going into another job.

My blogs will be shorter. The bulk of the work on my site is writing content so that's where my juices are going.

The food and water are still going strong. I had 1.5 points to spare yesterday, and still have that one flex point left. At the end of today, the points reset. Whoopee!

Hey Shredder Council members, can you believe the original Phase II or Mission I was slated to end on January 8th? Time just flies.

Exhausted!

Wow! With all these accountability scores flying around, the mood must have rubbed off on me. I got in my full seven glasses of water, seven servings of vegetables, withing my WW points, and did a bang up job in physical therapy. I just joined Tea's push-up challenge. Much physical therapy will have to happen before I can even train outside the pool, but if I can even do one, because of the challenge that will be one more than I would have been able to do otherwise. I'll set a target of 3 or more push-ups for teh fun of it, but the goal remains the same as always, enjoy good health.

Positive Procrastination!

Santa brought Doritos for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We never have chips in the house, and I ate some. I also had two cookies and 1/2 a slice of banana bread. Oddly, we also had baked potatoes, which I LOVE, and I couldn't eat more than half of one. Here's the really interesting thing.

Although I had a craving for more junk food the next day, I really have not been hungry so it hasn't been hard to not eat more junk. Normally just opening the chip floodgate would mean I would just lose it. Not the case. Even though I thought to myself, I must have totally "gone off" my food plan" I put in all the food I ate into my Weight Watchers. Guess what? I'm still ON.

Yup, I have an entire ONE flex point left of my 35 so I can just eat my allotted 22 points a day and still be "on plan". Not that I would be all upset for being off. I just get back on. I'm not in a hurry. I've got too many huge life changes and stressy-feelings going on in my life to freak myself out more. I just don't have it in me. Here's the other weird thing.

I was unable to eat all of my 22 allotted points two days running. I no longer force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. I feel like I'm getting in touch with my real appetite. Diets and telling myself I HAVE to eat certain things make me crazy, but I dig the moderate bargaining that the WW system allows me. It's kind of like training wheels to this previously foreign concept of "moderation." I'm kind of psyched about this discovery.

There's something about telling myself I can never eat something or I can only have it one time that gets my mind to clicking. I like saying I can have it any time, because it sort of puts my readily available resources of PROCRASTINATION at work in a POSITIVE WAY. There's a bag of Ruffles in the cabinet with dip right now. When I think about it, I want to eat it. But I'm really not hungry. So I tell myself, "You can always eat it tomorrow." Sometimes tomorrow doesn't come for months. (This is only the second time in six months I've eaten chips of any kind.) I always thought my food cravings could only be fought by discipline, but the real hero is my procrastination. And it's such a powerful weapon!

Water Wednesday brings in More Shredder Success

It's water Wednesday, and time to celebrate more water-ific milestones.

Mike, aka the Fat Burning Machine, has taken up the challenge and easily soared to over 200 glasses!


Check out Michael's incredible water-drinking progress, his chin-up challenge, Christmas surprise, workout podcast and more!

Here are some amazing water facts from this watercure website.

• Water prevents and helps to cure heartburn.
• Water prevents and helps to cure arthritis.
• Water prevents and helps to cure back pain.
• Water prevents and helps to cure migraines.
• Water prevents and helps to cure high blood pressure.
• Water prevents and helps to cure early adult-onset diabetes.
• Water lowers blood cholesterol.

Remember you can take on the challenge at any time or at the very least know with each glass that you drink you're improving your health. Bottoms up!

Thank you to fellow shredder Mike Groom! for turning me onto this cool site! If you have any water tips or cool water facts or joke for water Wednesday. Drop a note in my comments and I'll link to your blog and post 'em.

It's Christmas in the Philippines Right Now

Merry Christmas Shredders!

We used to listen to Dickens' A Christmas Carol and Pickwick Papers read by Charles Laughton every Christmas. I didn't understand it as much when I was really little and preferred Charlie Brown (and Emmett Otter Jug Band Christmas). But as I got older I really dug it. Listening to Pickwick Papers became one of my favorite parts of Christmas. Here's a little taste:

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home! ~Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836

Day 59: Extra! Extra! Shredder Success

Congratulations to Raiden and Tearose!

Check out Raiden's Commemorative Photo* celebrating over 100 Days of Blogging and his re-claimed fitness. What did he buy? And what very special event is it gonna be used for? Read all about it:

Click here to see Raiden's Commemorative Photo!

Tearose has well surpassed 100 glasses of water and is still going strong! How does she do it? By how many glasses has she already surpassed 100! Swing by her blog and say congrats and get the skinny!

Click here to check out Tea's Amazing Progress on our Water Challenge!

You can join in on the fun at anytime. It's can't just be about looking good or hitting a magic number of some kind. Why not put some energy into having your transformation be about having fun being healthy? Good health is its own reward, but you can buy yourself something to celebrate, too! You deserve a pat on the back!

*Celebrate your milestone by buying yourself something such as a pack of gum or a diamond tiara. Take a photo of you with it and write your caption such as This is ME with my commemorative malt liquor beverage purchased on this day (Insert Date) in celebration of having (Insert Your Incredible Achievement). It's just that easy to play along at home. Drop me a comment so I can link to you and brag about your success!

Day 58: Blog Hangover

Is it possible to have a blog hangover? Have I over-blogged. :) My mood has significantly lightened, and I think the water has made a difference in my photos, which were late like this blog. More later.

A tad embarrassed

I feel like I'm coming across as the psycho shredder, but I cannot live a lie. I won't pretend like I've got it together when I don't. Some days, I feel like I have it together. These days, not so much. But I'm glad to be on this mission with you all. I am inspired by your lives and successes. Oddly, or not so oddly, I had a great physical therapy session (which I gave myself permission to cancel and then didn't) and back to another day of clean eating today.

Particular thanks to Lilla, Mike Groom, Tearose, Jenny, and Michael for their kind and thoughtful comments on my possibly-too-personal post yesterday. I'm still feeling kind of self-conscious about it, but I did get off my butt and respond to your comments as best I could. If they don't make a lot of sense when you read them, the short of it is, THANK YOU.

Now you'll excuse me, I have to drink like 15 glasses of water to stay on top of my water challenge. lol

Day 56: Weirded Out

My injury recovery is going really well. I can walk more and faster. I don't limp as much. I can foresee my return to the States. Now, the stress sets in. Adam says the Truth will set you free. Well here's a piece of my truth. I left Los Angeles, because of mental health issues, which is why I am so careful about my stress levels.

One day I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, and this weird sensation or lack thereof. I couldn't feel my face. It was really weird. Long story longer, my doctor said I was suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I thought, "Oh as long as it's nothing serious," and went back to work. The end result being more severe and scary attacks, and my employer actually suggesting I take some time off. I was put on disability by doctor the next day. Since I'd promised my Mom I would visit, and my disability checks were not the same as my salary, I packed my bags and came here "to visit." I was scheduled to return, but my injury has kept me here.

I just stopped all contact with my employer and let that job go, because it kind of got ugly and very unhealthy. The entire thing was very dramatic and embarrassing and bruising to my Ego. I just couldn't hack it. I totally failed. I couldn't believe it. I was always the "good kid" the "smart girl." What went wrong?

I had gone back to the day job as an attempt to straighten up and fly right and just stop being a comedian and a writer. The artist life was too uncertain and stressful, and I felt like I had to "grow up" and knock all this crap off. But I couldn't do it. I mean, I just couldn't. I failed miserably at "doing the right thing."

I guess it just came time to stop trying to be what I'm not. So I'm here, and I started a little online business since I have an internet connection, and I enjoy writing. It's profitable, but not yet enough to fully sustain me. I am getting better with walking and standing, but not to the extent that I would feel confident sitting up at a desk. (I write all these post lying down in bed). And the truth is even in better physical health, I couldn't hack it. When times got tough for me as a comedian, I tried to go the other way, but it's obvious now that that's not where I'm supposed to be.

It's just sometimes, it's scary. I'll have to go back, find a place to live, get my finances figured out, car insurance, renew my tags and getting health insurance, doing my taxes, making the rounds as a comic, making calls, etc. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I can feel that heavy feeling in my chest. My hands are shaky. It just feels like so much happens in such a short period of time. As you get older and your life gets bigger, there are deaths of friends and loved ones, car accidents, break-ups, moves, crime, hurricanes. It feel like a fantasy to just live six months without something horrible happening. And I know that it's not true, and I know from my former therapist sessions that some of my experiences have been stressful and rapid succession, so I've finally given myself permission to be okay with the amount of time it takes to heal. But I know there's a part of me that's not completely okay with it. My Ego wants me to "handle it well." Whatever it is. Just stoicly mourn death, pain, heartache, but HELLO I've only been able to fake being that kind of person. It's never been true. I've just covered up the pain with food and other very unhealthy behaviors that I no longer take part in. So I type here in this blog today to cope. And I had a McDonald's cheeseburger and small fry. In the past, I wouldn't have stopped there. I would have also had a DOUBLE cheeseburger and a LARGE fry and an apple pie or sundae. So there's progress. But, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like it or that I wouldn't eat three more burgers right now if they were within reach. Cuz I would. I don't even feel guilty. Really I don't. I'm more afraid of what people will write in my comments about my cheeseburger and fries that I am about going on some kind of binge. Because I know what to do when I feel those urges. I write about it.

That's why I wrote this post--to cope and cut calories. I always type this incredibly personal stuff in my blog and tell myself that I'll just hit the "save now" button instead of "publish post." Then I get too lazy to write the real post and hit publish. I tell myself I'll take it down. But I don't. But I still could. You ever do that?

Water Wednesday!

Many of my fellow shredders have this water consumption thing down pat, and I've gotten some damn fine advice.

The whole point of my challenge is to sort of have fun with the concept of drinking more water, which for reasons I cannot put my finger on just always seemed like a drag.

Coffee and diet coke just seem so much like treats. But much like going on dates with really hot guys that are in reality kind of boring, diet coke and coffee are best done in moderation and could possibly be eliminated all together. (If you're a hot, single, not boring guy, please do not be offended and leave me a comment with your phone number lol)

Water is the "nice guy" of beverages. And as I get older, nice guys are starting to get a little sexier. So let's see if some of these awesome tips can make water drinking sexy, too.

Every Wednesday I'll be posting water drinking tips from my fellow shredders and maybe a factoid or joke or two. Here we go:

Massimiliano said...

Water is good, water is great, water is the BEST ...
1 glass after waking up
1 glass with breakfast
1 glass mid morning
1 glass at lunch
1 glass mid afternoon
1 glass at dinner
1 glass before bed
There you go, 7 glasses of water!

Personally I drink 4 liters a day and sometimes I do what I call the "TSUNAMI"! It consist by drinking 1,5L. in less than one hour (I do 2L.)
The huge amount of water will clean up your system taking a lot of debris with it.
Be aware do not attempt this with cold water or if you have bladder or kidneys problems. Also if you cannot be near a toilet for the next hour, I do not consider it a smart idea...o before going to the movies or church...!!! Salute,Cin Cin, Campaaii, Cheers,Prosit, Gezondheid!

Tearose, (who is already on 82 glasses of water) says:

How I get All My Water In

When I wake up I drink 2 cups, then I go to the gym and I have a water bottle that holds 3 cups of water, I drink that during my workout.
then with each of my 6 meals I have 2 cups of water = 17 glasses, sometimes I get behind, I just guzzle water whenever I can to make up for it. At first it was hard but over time you will find it gets easier. :)

Cheesy Water Joke

I read a person can drown in under a foot of water, which makes me really nervous because I'm a heavy drooler.

badump bump

Got any water tips? Factoids? Jokes? Let me know or post them on your blog so I can link to it. Bottom's up!

Day 54: A little conceited? Hehe

I went to physical therapy today, and I was showering after the steam before going to do my exercise in the pool. I caught myself looking at me in the mirror and smiling. I checked out my butt and everything. I'm so glad nobody saw me, but now here I am busting myself on my blog.

But it's not such a bad thing to look in the mirror and like what I see. It's kind of thrilling, because even when I was twenty pounds lighter than where I am now, I couldn't look at myself and like what I saw. Sometimes I get worried that being happy where I am means that I won't change for the better.

But then I firmly believe that it is Man's nature to be great. It is human conditioning that makes me think that only pain can motivate change. I guess it's because that's the only thing that ever worked in the past for me. I just had to hurt so bad and have no other options. But all my pain brought me in touch with something bigger than me.

Call it God, the Universe, the Force what have you. But it's that connection that has made everything possible and the pain was just the illusion of my will that caused me to suffer. If I could have relaxed into the calm knowing, the faith that change is inevitable, I could get out of my own way and let it happen instead of trying to "make it happen." William Blake wrote, "The fox provides for himself, but God provides for the lion." I have been living the life of a fox, but to paraphrase Jules in Pulp Fiction and mix my references, I'm trying hard to be the lion.

Day 53: Trouble Sleeping

I keep grinding my teeth and my muscles are tight. I've totally kicked that horrible lyrica stuff and am taking zero medications for everything. I was totally zonked all last week. This week I'm just really having trouble falling asleep. I have to be in physical therapy in seven hours. Must rest.

Day 52: Photo re-run

This is Mission 2 the group shred photos, we're on now. I was posting this and since I posted my backstory yesterday, I thought I'd post my "Mission One" before photo from April of this year. This before photo is one of my favorite photos of me to look at even though I weighed about 185lbs. The most I've ever weighed in my life.

I never knew if I would really ever have the guts to show this picture to anyone, but this is the second time I've posted it. It turned into such a personal moment. Not the actual taking of the picture, but looking at myself just after I took it. I saw me. I saw ME. I love this photo, because I'm smiling and happy and overweight, too. For one split second, alone in my room, I snapped a picture of me in a swimsuit, and I did not hate me. I look at that picture and despite what everyone may think, I thought, I'm okay where I am. I wrote in my journal and wept and was happy with the me I saw in this photo. And for that second, I did not NEED to change, and I had all the time in the world. I knew that I would succeed this time, not because I would hit a target weight at one time or another, not because I was more committed or determined than ever before, none of it. I knew I would succeed, because on this day, I felt the Truth. That I was successful already. You are naturally great, right now, as you are. You are enough--always.

Day 51: Backstory

For those who may have just tuned into my blog, if you look really closely on my Day One photos you'll see that I had a walker. I'm recovering from a re-injury from a car accident three years ago. I'm writing from the Philippines, where I came after leaving my day job in Los Angeles and rethinking my career in "show business." Once a million years ago, I was an up-and-coming comedian/writer that never quite came up. The car accident did not help my show biz career, but it has definitely upped my interest in health and put me on a quest, to paraphrase some good friends of mine, to get in contact with something a little bigger than myself.

Since I started this blog and came to the Philippines, I've lost 31 lbs, a walker, and started my own little web business that is doing rather well. This is all with the incredible support of family, friends, Adam and my fellow "shredders."

I'd say this is a comeback story, but that implies that I was somewhere and then I went somewhere else and came back. I'm starting to think of it more like a "still here" story. But when I get back to Los Angeles and a little better with the "stand" part in being a stand-up comedian, I guess it'll be a comeback. Insert Rocky music here.

Day 50: Don't forget to "Digg" Adam

Howdy shredders! Glad to read all your exciting news and feel the shred in the air. The water drinking is going well, and my injury recovery is moving along nicely, too. I'm able to walk in the pool and even on land without much of a limp. BIG steps next week. We're going to try the treadmill (setting 0 for under 5 minutes), but it's a start.

Thanks to everybody for visiting my blog. Shout out to Lynda and Tea for taking up the Water Challenge. No official anything is necessary if anybody wants to play along at home. Just drop me a comment when you hit 100 glasses of water (and if you like update me when it strikes you) and I will show the practically dozens of people who read my blog what an amazing person you are. But seriously, it's all in good fun and for good health.

Plus if anybody wants to celebrate ANY milestone in their own personal health journey by using the Christy Commemorative Photo Method* drop me a comment and I'll send you an Email for the photo and post it. Please keep nudity to a minimum. :)

Don't forget to DIGG Adam. Hurry before time runs out.

*Celebrate your milestone by buying yourself something such as a pack of gum or a diamond tiara. Take a photo of you with it and write your caption such as This is ME with my commemorative malt liquor beverage purchased on this day (Insert Date) in celebration of having (Insert Your Incredible Achievement). It's just that easy to play along at home.

Day 49: Just One Thing for 100 Days

My best friend Sylvia and I can talk for hours. We used to dream of starting our own company called the Feinphy-Murphman Corporation (the most ridiculous combo of our last names) aka Corporation of Crazy Schemes. We renamed our idiosyncrasies and neuroses "the nature of our genius" and created our own sayings such as "brown crayoning" things and "that's just frosting on the poop cake." We would create "plans" and call each other every day. When life got particularly overwhelming, we created an accountability structure we called: Just One Thing. Simply, we would commit to doing just one thing each day and let the other know.

My next 100 days are inspired by my best friend, S, and our Just One Thing Plan. But this time, it's got a twist. My ONE THING will be the same for the entire 100 Days.

What One Thing Could I Do Every Day that Would Benefit My Health the Most with the Least Effort and Stress to Me?

Drinking water.

When I drink more water, I drink less coffee, I eat less food, I feel better. But here's the deal I JUST DON'T DO IT. Seriously, I'll go like DAYS. Slamming diet coke after diet coke (I know it's bad for me)and coffee after coffee. If I focus on trying to cut down on coffee, it takes more mental energy than I can muster. (I am so IMPRESSED by Debbie's amazing progress in this regard!) But I've found from earlier in my plan, focusing on what I CAN do sort of magically makes the other stuff fall away.

SO ...

Over the next 100 days, I will drink 700 glasses of water.

The rules: This is measured in degrees of success and by no means a pass-fail endeavor. A glass is roughly 8 ounces, but I'm not gonna get all psycho about it. Flavored water COUNTS, but I'll try to drink mostly just regular water.

If anybody knows where I can get like a cool tally tool or something for this blog so I can keep a running total at the top that would rock.

I will celebrate each 100 glass milestone, by announcing it in my blog and bragging and buying myself something and taking a photo of me and that something and posting it (ie commemorative pack of gum in honor of Glass 300 reached on this day, etc). If you would like to give my water challenge a go, feel free to start a counting and brag about how far along you are in my comments. At every 100 glasses I will brag about you in my blog if that is any kind of incentive. And by you, I mean like the seven fellow shredders who read this and mythical lurkers in the future. There's no deadline to join. You can start whenever. If you buy yourself something to celebrate a milestone and snap a photo, you can also send me a pic, and I will post your commemorative milestone photo, too.

I'm using West Coast time for my blog, because that's how my computer is configured and I'll be back in LA (hopefully) by the time the 100 days is up.

It's seven hours into my "Water Challenge," and I have drunk three glasses of water already. Woo-hoo. Only 697 glasses to go!

Day 47: Questioning effortlessly

You gotta work hard. But do I really? Somewhere I really overemphasized the value of effort. Do not get me wrong. I'm not saying hard work is a bad thing, but what if I flat out don't want to work hard? I've found that the stuff that I like to do and that seems to be of value to others is the stuff that I do naturally. Not necessarily without any effort, but it feels effortless. I don't know when or why I did it, but I devalued things that came to me easily and valued stuff that was hard to do. Sometimes the challenge is fun, but other times I'm just swimming against the tide for no reason other than working hard is supposed to be some kind of good thing. Another thing I've discovered I've done in the past, is to take something I do naturally that is fun, force it to match some other paradigm (you know, to make it better) and turned it into something that is no fun and suck the life right out of it.

Somehow I got it into my head that discipline was forcing myself to do things I did not want to do, but would somehow benefit from. In my mind, (and in some definitions of the word) discipline has a bit of a self-sacrificy-punishment-like connotation. But now, I think that true discipline is finding the courage to NOT do things I do not enjoy. You know to be true to myself like Shakespeare wrote. Sometimes I do need a kick in the butt stay true to myself. Like sometimes, I don't want to do a show to work out new material and since it's a not a "real booking" I might feel inclined to just stay home. Some nights, discipline would mean to get out there and just do it. I always know that I did the right thing, because when I get to the show that effortless feeling kicks in. So sometimes I must make an effort to get to what's effortless, but maybe even that switchover will eventually be effortless as I learn to listen to myself more, which is also coming with less and less effort. Hmmm. There is a fine line between a disciplined consistency that leads to enriched life, and the "foolish consistency" that Emerson wrote about.

There is something really elegant about effortless effort. When I see it in athletes, musicians, and artists, there is this an experience that is created that to me is where Man touches the Divine. There is the assumption that if you're not moving forward you're moving backward. But is that really true? Who is to say what is forward and where is back. What about Destiny? What if Free will is just be an invention of the Ego and does not truly exist? But these questions are for other posts in the future or just for my own enjoyment.

This is where people say, I think too much. There are times when analyzing is a bad idea (Suzette mentioned a great time like in relationships, where it is a good idea to just take it moment by moment). And I believe there will come a day when I when my questioning will stop, but that day is not today. To be honest, when a discussion comes up, and I start to really open and up and share my thoughts and somebody says, something like I think too much or what's the point you'll never be able to find an answer, I finding that kind of comment at best glib and many times even condescending and dismissive. Who the hell is someone else to randomly decide what is too much thought for me to have? People seem to be under the impression that this is a helpful response like somehow my thoughts are the source of what they perceive to be my problems or like these thoughts are tortuous to me. Much like Adam describes falling asleep dreaming of his workout or my friend stays up until four in the morning painting, these thoughts thrill me and keep me awake at night. But then even Adam cited some naysayers regarding his pursuits.

When I was a really little kid, there was a Little Miss Boca Gate Beauty Pageant that my friend Jenny Clayton was signing up for. I decided to sign up with her. The lady asked me if I had any hobbies. I was really little so I asked her what a hobby was. She said it was something you did for fun. I actually answered, "thinking." She asked me to clarify and I explained that I would sit on the steps of our porch or on top of the monkey bars in the schoolyard and just think of stuff. She gave me this look that I can almost remember. I could feel that the answer was "wrong" and that I thinking may not be considered an acceptable hobby. And then I added. "I also like rollerskating." You know what the lady said? "Does your Mommy know you're here?"

Day 45: State of Flux

I'm in a real transition period in my life. I'm questioning everything. This is a major healing time for me in more ways than one. I'm excited about going back to the States and doing standup and writing more. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was afraid. I've really been figuring out what I like, need, want and desire and it's really hard to stay the course and not sell myself out. I get caught up with possibilities and opportunities that present themselves without really asking myself, "Is this what I want?" It's even the same with relationships. I'll be cruising through my life and somebody will take an interest. I take a second to see if I want to get to know them, but get swept away in the idea of a new relationship and having to make it work without really thinking, "Do I want this?" It's just everybody (and by everybody I've learned that I'm probably really talking about me) seems so happy to see that I'm settled down with somebody. That there is something secure, but then things start to go a little wonky before I really have decided if this is something I want. And before you know it, I'm putting all my energy into "making something work" instead of even thinking about whether or not my life is enriched by this relationship. When I finally get around to answering the question for myself, it has often been, no. I have only recently realized that I can consider many of my romantic relationships have turned out a tremendous success in that I DID NOT get married. That thought is complete sacrilege in some of my social circles, but it's true for me.

It's the same thing with my standup. I love standup, but before you know it there's all this other stuff that only a few people get a chance to do and it looks like maybe, I'll have a shot, but first I have to see if they'll have me and then before I know it, I'm chasing some dream that may not even be my dream.

It's just I used to get so mad at people who turned down incredible opportunities as being just prima donna snobs. But I've found that what it means for me to be mad at people is usually me being mad that they had the gall to do what I am to afraid of doing. They say so many artists are self-sabotaging, but I'm starting to think that's that it's more self-saving. When Dave Chappelle walked away from his Comedy Central deal, I was so impressed. What an act of self care. To choose your happiness and well being over so much money and a dream that other people would kill for. So much pressure to take the money and do what everyone else expected.

I find it no coincidence that my re-injury happened just after my ticket was set to go back to Los Angeles. There is such a mind body connection. I know the injury is real and so is the pain, but I believe it's an outward manifestation of an inner conflict and it's also quite a bit of good luck and Grace at work.

Day 43: Water and Rest

I cannot believe what a major component to health these two things are. It's amazing how little I used to give myself of either. There is much room for improvement on the water drinking front. However, I am enjoying a steam bath 3x a week in one of those little steam thingies where you're head sticks out. I think my left bun got a little burned from the heater thing below the chair, but besides that it is working wonders for helping me detox and being in the pool is like a mini-miracle, too. I am already walking faster. If only my mood would improve. I just re-read something I wrote in a comment, and I just could not believe that I'd typed it. I'd say I'm not myself these days, but I think that everything that comes out had be in there somewhere. I may have not known it was there, but it's not any medication that put it there it just sort of screwed off the cap. I have a lot of anger, depression and anxiety stored up apparently. I was getting a lot of that out with studying stick fighting and dancing in my room, but that didn't work out so I guess it's therapeutic typing.

Please, do not think that anything that comes across as cranky or even mean in my blogs and comments is really directed at my friends or people in my life. I know that the Truth is everything I say that is negative is really just something that I am trying to tell myself, but I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet. I've found out that most of the stuff, if not all of the stuff, that I'm upset with the world for (ie Not understanding about being injured) is really just a part of me that is mad at another part of me for not just sucking it up and going home and stop being a freakin' nut or at least stop typing to the Internet how much of a nut I am. But I cannot silence myself for the sake of myself anymore. LOL

Hmm. I've regained a lot of my typing speed, but not necessarily my thinking speed.

PS I think it might have been Adam's birthday yesterday. Either that or I am contributing to the Internet's growing inaccuracy. Say Happy Birthday to him. :)

Day 42: Pool

I went to the pool, again, to practice walking and a few exercises today. It's so strange. Immediately afterward I feel like a million bucks, but I find I am actually getting sore by the evening and day after. It's so odd to be sore from walking in a pool, but I'm glad to be able to do that much. My mood is swinging a little dark and anxious. It is important for me to remember that it is merely a temporary side effect of the neuro-inhibitors (or rather sudden lack of neuro-inhibitors) and a bit of pain and stuff. Nothing huge or all-engulfing.

After the pool, the pedicab driver, our housegirl and I stopped off at the street vendor so I could buy a round of mango shakes. I saved my "points" for it. One of the great things about the Philippines is their small sizes. The vendor was just off the boulevard and the pedicab was facing the ocean. Even the beggars and street musicians grabbing at my clothes and arms were not as disconcerting as I normally find them. The smell of the water and the breeze and being outside felt ARGH I cannot believe that I am going to type the word GOOD and can't describe the smell of the water or the actual feeling of the breeze. AHHHHH! I hate not having words. I never realized how much a comfort it was to have them all the time until recently. I reach for them and now they hide. My head hurts and my eyes feel swollen.

Thumbs down makers of Lyrica. It took me almost a full minute to remember Lyrica and double that to remember Pfizer. That's so funny to me. Not ironic by any means, but funny in the way that people mean with they incorrectly use the word ironic. That kind of funny. If I had the word for it, well, I wouldn't be pissed and slightly bemused about it. Bemused? Now I'm just reaching. I am not at all bemused. lol

Day 40: Withdrawal

Wow! The reality of the withdrawal off my medication is really starting to hit me. I am so glad I did not stay on this stuff for longer. I've read about people being on it for years instead of a few months. Really grateful that I've done my homework and am able to recognize what the symptoms are. It seriously cuts down on the freaking out factor. I am still trying to get around to everybody's blogs. It is one of the goals of my mission to be supportive to my fellow shredders who have contributed to my health in such a big way. Thank you again.

Day 38: I type slow these days

I've tried to post, but it is has been too frustrating, because my shoulder goes numb and I can't think of words and I type SO SLOW. So I haven't been posting, but I sure have been EATING. Not really, really bad, but enough where I'm like, nah. No point to letting this get too off track. So, I'm blogging despite the lengthy amount of time it takes to actually write. Somehow my weight has been the same since Day 14. I can't see how it could be muscle, because I have lived a nearly veal-like existence for the entire time y'all (except Suzette and Adam) have "known me." Weird.

I am proud to say that today I am down to only 75 mg of my medication. Two weeks ago I was as high as 600. I sleep a lot, and it hurts a lot, too. That's just where that is, and I am okay with things not being completely healed, yet. It just takes some time, and I have time, and although my patience regarding the typing and not being able to organize my thoughts as quickly as I'd like is a bit fleeting at times, I've got a lot of Faith. I'm not suffering, or anything like that, it's just old fashioned, "Ouch. I'm gonna lie down until that stops." Sometimes I'll cry.

Crying is really healing for pain. But the idea that I'm crying makes people really uncomfortable. Pain hurts, the crying eases it. What exactly is the big deal? Why do people have to say stuff that sometimes feels really callous like, "But you're not really hurting," or "but I thought you were fine?" Like I go from needing a walker to get to the doctor straight to running a marathon or doing a jig on a trapeze or something? What the ?

Let me clarify the walker thing. I can walk without it. I cannot walk FAR or long or without a limp, but I can walk without a walker. That is a victory, but it's almost like when I had the walker, people were kinder or a least more sensitive to the fact that I was "on the mend."

Also, I don't know how to respond to people asking me if I'm better. At first, I kept saying, "Yes, I'm better." Because I am BETTER. I'm getting better all the time. The progress isn't linear from day to day across the board, but I AM HEALING. I am all kinds of better. No walker. No more crazy weird, dead, numb arm scares. I can put weight on my left leg now. Less medication. I'm not even hurting as severely or as often anymore. All great things. All BETTER. But apparently saying that I'm doing better means to people that "I'm healed."

I'm not healed. I cannot get on a plane or walk wherever I want when I want. I cannot go to the gym or do any kind of weight training. I cannot pick things up off the ground or bend at the knees or sit up at the computer when I want or eat at the dining room table or make my own coffee every morning. (But SOMETIME I CAN!) I practice walking in the pool. I practice stretches that I cannot do on land in the pool. That's just how it is for now. I'm just healing and sometimes hurting.

But I do feel really misunderstood sometimes. It's almost like because I didn't make a really huge fuss, the severity of my condition is lessened or in some instances completely negated. But it's weird, because I can also see where this injury has been a gift, and how wonderful it is to have the support of my family and such a great group of people like you guys.

I'm going to nap, and between today and tomorrow I'm commenting on every single shredder blog (maybe shorter comments though this took forever) and soak up the healing power of all your great energy.

THANKS GUYS. It's good to be back.

Thank You Shredders

Video

Day 29 Bad Trip

Bad trip last night. I freaked out, because I lost partially lost the feeling in my arms from the new meds. I woke up, and it felt like they were just dead, meat, skin at the ends of my elbows.

Mom stayed up with until 4am to keep me from flippin' out. Then I spoke to my sister on the phone for two hours until it mostly wore off.

I can feel my muscles tightening and my jaw grinding like I just came back from the bathroom in the eighties. (drug reference). I can't feel my face all the way still. It's freakin' me out.

Anxiety is a side effect of my neuro-inhibitors. Really tough time sleeping. I woke up with those tingly sharp feelings in my arms, but it was such a relief to feel them. I hope my photos got in to Adam in time. They were seven minutes late. I kept doing stuff not right. It's like I'm drunk, but not buzzed. Just like I'm packed in cotton or moving in water.

I can't just stop the lyrica after taking it so long, but I don't care about the pain. I gotta cycle off this stuff. It's like I woke up in a Kafka novel, and I'm that dung beetle that can't flip over out of bed.

Thank you guys for your encouragement. I wouldn't have even tried to send in my photos if I had't read comment yours.

I just wated to post the pic in case they dindnt get on adam's in time to go up. and say thank you to you all for comments and taking the poll.

And say for the encouragement thank you to you guys.

Day 28: Still here, wishing you all well

Just a uncharacteristically quick hello. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving who was celebrating. I have many things to be thankful for--like you guys.

I'm hitting a tough time in my recovery. It's been coming on for the last two weeks, but its getting to the point where ... , honestly, I don't really have the spare energy to put it into words. Oh well. Progress is not always linear. Eating is still great, so I'll cling to that. Will be back and reporting good news as soon as I am more able.

Know that my thoughts and many, many well wishes are with you in case I cannot get to your blogs as much as I would like or have in the past. You all can have no idea how much you have helped and continue to help me.

Thank you.

Day 26: Adam made me pause to think of cause for celebration

I read a comment that Adam wrote in Joni's blog that got me to thinking. He wrote:

... It really helps to fall in love with the process because the journey never really ends, but the journey is so much more fun when you hit a big goal!

I had two thoughts.

1) "That's true!"

-and-

2) "Crap, I don't want to miss out on fun."

For instance, on a really silly note, what the hell are you guys gonna put in my comments on Jan. 8th that will be unique to the day regarding finishing our mission? You know for the fun of it. 'Glad you're enjoying your continued health or whatever esoteric feeling you've been trying to write in your really long blogs.' lol

But really. That's not as much fun as typing, "Hey congratulations, Andrew. You ran a mile in 12 seconds while ironing five sets of school uniforms. Kudos!"

I started thinking, "how can I have my cake and eat it to?"

And it came to me ...

MILESTONES!

Yes, yes, milestones that could even take the form of those numbers and pictures that I have previously seen as possible sources of soul-crunching descent into darkness.

Just places I set in advance that I can look forward to on the horizon, when they are there celebrate the with all my heart, and later look back on them fondly.

And most importantly take no anxious or sad thought if one does not come by, because I will set, many, many POSSIBLE markers and remember my ultimate goal.

Ta-Dah!! I'm very happy with how this is working so far. I'll post some MILESTONES soon.

P.S. There is a really long and complicated back story as to why my thoughts really focus on how to avoid depression and anxiety. The short of it is I don't want to take the psychiatric-flavored meds. Just so you know it's not pure mental masturbation here.

I had some thoughts while reading Suzette's blog and some other shredders' wisdom

A rant in c minor ...

Reading Suzette's blog on powerful reasons why, really got me thinking about what I want for me and my fitness. I was very specific in setting my goals for this mission (where the accountability tool ends on January 8, but is my life's mission) to not include any specific number. I state my goal and say that my success will be reflected numerically (in that the laws of physics and general nutrition will still apply to me) and then what some other sources have to say about the numbers.

I know that setting specific goals is a really good tool for getting what you want, but for some reason when it comes to health people focus on the numbers. My goal is specific. It is TRULY what I want.

Suzette wrote about playing basketball for cardio and how great it would feel and even wrote about how mopping for five hours at work was a real workout and how she likes looking in the mirror and feeling good, etc. I want to feel that.

I read in Dougal's blog of his vision of taking his loved ones to the beach and enjoying his body and the feeling he got and how that feeling even felt like his kids were happier, etc. Yeah, I want that feeling.

Dougal wrote about the scale and why it's not a good measure of progress how body fat is a better indicator of your fitness. And that's true, but what I'm afraid of is getting caught up and depressed because I didn't hit a certain fat % number.

Same thing with the photos. I know I'm eating right and my body feels good, I FEEL like I look good, and I can feel myself getting stronger (ALL WHAT I REALLY WANT FROM MY TRANSFORMATION), and then I stare at my photos and notice no change and get depressed.

But ALL of those things, weight, body fat, photo results are JUST INDICATORS to clue me in on my progress. NONE OF THEM ARE THE GOAL.

MY goal will and shall never again be a number or to look a certain way.

Because those numbers are not specific enough. Numbers to me are just indicators of what some people have noticed correlates to a certain degree of look or appearance. But the truth is what I want in my physical self, this physique transformation, is to have no barriers to my experience of life.

To walk freely, to not pull weird muscles while sleeping (what up with that?), to run and jump and carry stuff that needs carrying without worry or too much strain, to feel confident in my skin, feel strong, feel attract.

FEELINGS. Yes, they don't look as concrete and are not easy to quantify, but I don't give a damn. It is still very specific. My goals have power. My words and thoughts impact my happiness. I feel things intensely and choose to spare myself the grief that those kind of goals bring me.

Because as Lilla said in a comment I read, think of what you, really, really, really want.

I don't want a number. To paraphrase John Travolta on Oprah, I want to live life well.

One day, I want to live so well and so in the moment that I have no goals. But as I've written before, that day is obviously not today, because that sounds like a goal. lol

PS My weight is my only stat, because its the only one I have access to as I am in the Philippines and my mobility issues make it hard for me to get to the market. I get to have my weight by going to a particular wing of the hospital once a week. My physical therapist uses it to gage how many pounds of pressure to use for my the traction they put me in for my back. Plus, my food plan tool (until I can more accurately gage my body's needs by just feeling, because that gage has been thrown a bit off kilter from crazy diets that said my Mission One was done never stepping on a scale or pre-written diet plan, no daily pics but a few, I posted before and after photos on Day 8, Nov. 2nd post) uses my weight to determine the amount of "Points" I can eat.

Day 25! OMG An internet window just opened.

I just posted my "blog" entry on my profile to Adam's RTP-Blog.com (see blogroll). So I'm gonna fly around to every shredder blog I can while the window is open.

Thank you Mike, Suzette, Lilla, Sammy, and Bec for visiting and dropping me awesome comments.

Day 24 - Wonky weird internet

My Mission Goals
My goals:
• Enjoy the good health, strength, and confidence that comes from taking care of my body every day.
• Be a supportive member of the Shredder Counsel.
• Be honest, allow myself to feel all my feelings on this journey, and express them in my blog.

As a byproduct of succeeding at the goals above, my success will also be reflected in statistical data. The American Council on Exercise and says women's body fat should be between 14-31%.
Weight Watchers (my food tool) suggests the healthy weight range for a woman my age is 124-148.
___

I am so glad I was able to post a few well wishes to some of my fellow shredders, but the weird nature of my internet connection is making contact with rtp-blog.com hq very, very slow and some sites not at all possible.

SHOUT OUT TO LYNDA and MIRIAM! MUCH SUCCESS. COULD NOT GET TO YOUR BLOGS YET. I will keep trying.

My connection to blogger is slow, sporadic and does not allow me to see any photos, so I'm flying blind and have no idea if the red dot that appears in my blog is actually a photo or a paranormal occurrence. Internet connection aside, I am very excited about this mission. My Day 24 pics went out in advance so they may be on Adam's blog right now. I have no idea.

My current stat is: 152 lbs (I have no access to other stats, not even a tape measure at the moment).

It's been a great weekend food wise, even got in some upper arm light weight work, but the pain has been very, very scary today. A lot of discomfort and much tingly numbness, which is not a good sign. I will remain positive, but keep this post brief.

Still can walk without the walker. Very, very glad and grateful for that!

HAPPY SHREDDING.

Day 21: Holding steady and petty question--Bikini or Shorts?

I ate my full 35 Flex points last week, and have only 11 points left for this week (resets Sunday). As a result, I am still holding steady at 152 lbs. Glad to not have gained any weight with all the peanut butter eating. I know my body dug that. I also did some eating while chatting on the computer and watching television. As I wrote yesterday, that's not really where I want to be anymore. I dig on enjoying my food, so I'm going to let that be my focus this week:


Enjoy my food.

I'm feeling pretty good about holding steady on the weight, while making significant gains in my strength. I was able to walk up several stairs at the hospital today. Plus, I've been focusing on making each step a quality step. No mindless limping. Focus on each full movement using all the appropriate muscle groups.

I've also added some additional stretches. Going forward, I am planning on doing some "timed" posture exercises and walking further. Today, I will venture to walk outside around the circumference of the yard. I'll count the repetitions and report them here. Also my focus:

Enjoy my ability to walk.

My water drinking and meditation practice is off. I will put that in here starting with tomorrow's for today (it's still day here). So far, I've drank a singular glass of water.

Enjoy drinking water. Enjoy being accountable for aforementioned water drinking.

I better step it up. Tomorrow is picture day. I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to do full bikini photos or not. A ton of people look at Adam's blog, which weirds me out a little. Some days just putting on the swimsuit depresses the hell out of me--I can't imagine taking a photo in a bikini when I'm bloating once a month. Also, the bottoms are sagging a little in the butt. ICK.

On the other hand, it raises the accountability, and I like the idea that my pics will have the same dates on them that every body else's has. When I show more improvement, it'll be easier to see in the bikini.

YOUR THOUGHTS: Bikini or shorts for Adam's blog?

Day 20: Food and my floating head

I used to ignore stress and tax my body and mind constantly with no regard as to the toll it would take on me. Those days are not today. Circumstances have changed my mind and my body, and the option of ignoring stress, well, has been essentially removed.

These days, my body gives me very clear signs when it doesn't like something--shaking, passing out, hair loss, pain, the inability to move my leg, crazy rashes--I mean SUPER CLEAR Christy, ignore-these-at-your-own peril and detriment signs. It's a real gift.

It has FORCED me to be in tune my body. It's like I can't eat too poorly or drink way too much coffee, because I will REALLY feel it. Frankly, at first, I thought it was a real pain the ass, and I thought I got the shaft big time.

But in the last six months, I have found that I take greater pleasure in the movement and nourishment of my my body. I can really enjoy pain-free moments and the taste of food. I know when something tastes really good and feels really good that it is something that my body needs.

Example: My recent peanut butter (peaney butter as Lynda would say) cravings. I caught myself thinking, "What up with the peanut butter? What is in this stuff that is so damn good?"

I just knew there was something in there I needed. Guess what's the main nutritional value in peanut butter? The big winners are Niacin and Magnesium.

Niacin is vitamin B3, which assists in the functioning of the nervous and digestive systems.
Magnesium is a mineral that helps muscles function and helps maintain nerves and bones, too.

It's amazing the accuracy of my cravings. The condition I rehabbing for is a protrusion in my L5 S1 vertebrate that is causing sciatica symptoms. Essentially, I am feeling the effects of nerve impingement and my body keeps sending false signals to the muscles in my leg causing pain and lack of ability to control my leg properly. Blah, blah, blah.

The point, I really need that stuff. I also looked up the other food that I have loved to eat and craved. When I eat it I feel the joy of the food soaking into every inch of my body all the way down to my toes--CORN. (It is mentioned in one of my 14 Group Shred cartoons). I always thought corn was sort of high and carbs and calories for what you get. Turns out, when I look at the nutrition chart for where it really seems to win it is high in the B vitamins (which are so good for nerve stuff my doctor had me on supplements for a while) including the Niacin (6 mg) and the mineral Magnesium (211).

I'm sure a case could be made for any of the foods I've been eating, but maybe that is also the point. I'm looking to food to nourish my body first and foremost. I'm trying to keep the stress down in every arena of my life, including the food I eat. I eat what my body wants. (Not what my mind thinks would be tasty) And what it wants tastes like nobody's business. I mean, I had no idea how tasty peanut butter and PLAIN corn on the cob could be. It is really amazing.

I feel like I am an alien that has never tasted food before or something. It has been really weird. Especially recently, because I have been eating most of my meals in bed, alone. I have been super bored all bed-ridden and meal time is definitely the MAIN EVENT. So during meal time, I do nothing except taste and enjoy every bite of the food. But since the end of the 14 day part of the group shred, I could walk again. Something changed.

I caught myself over-eating a little here and there and not really enjoying the food. And I realized, I was eating in front of the TV or talking more than paying attention to what I was eating. The difference is incredible. I really miss out when I just mindlessly gulp.

I see what I've been doing all my life. It's like I was living in a giant floating head, and my body was just a slave that I beat hard and often. I whipped it to look good. I made it work injured and without sleep, and without feeding it basic foods and nutrients EVEN water. I ignored the slaves every need and request and felt its only purpose was to carry my King head around. And then when I would get sick or tired, the King Head would make lordly resolutions and plans that the slave would have to carry out without any say in the matter. It's actually funny.

I'm finally experiencing (not just understanding, but feeling, knowing, and realizing) what a miraculous machine my body is and how much it is a part of ME. It so obvious, but I have always maintained that the gaps between understand, knowing, and realizing is imperceptible and immeasurable.

My King Head keeps trying to rule, but I think there's a revolution taking place.

Peanut butter, you tempting, devil you!

My body craves peanut butter. I am eating four tablespoons a day, but I could easily subsist on just coffee and a jar of peanut butter if it weren't for my food plan. Here are some haiku's for my new love. (I've got to get out more.)

Scoop it out of the
jar. Spread buttery magic
on your tongue. Pure joy.

Peanut butter slides
down my throat. Body
melts in ecstasy.

Creamy or crunchy.
Both ways are so delicious
Bury me in it.

Know that I am both dead serious and joking and heavily medicated. Shred hard, people. Woo-hoo.

My RTP Shredder Roundup

I just posted this in the comments on Adam's blog as instructed, but thought I'd post it here.

Being part of the RTP Group Shred was an amazing, experience.

I had no idea what to expect, was giddy with excitement, and, at first, a little nervous. But before Day One officially started, the nervousness subsided.

The Highs
The shredder roll call, reverse roll call and all of Adam's videos, the incredible bond between shredders, losing six pounds, getting kind comments daily from fellow shredders, and most importantly walking again.

The Lows
The photos. The process (which was time consuming) was not the hardest part, but actually seeing my pics on a regular basis and looking too closely for changes was really UN-FUN as I got into the second week. Staring at photos, for me, was like staring directly into the sun. The longer I did it, the less I could see. Take pics, post pics, spend your time eating clean (BIG component, super BIG component for me) shredding hard, and thinking big.

My Tips
• Take part in the Pre-Shred Excitement. It really gives you an extra jump on the good vibes and sets a tone for the entire shred.

• Give of thyself. Don't sit back and wait and expect people to read and comment on your blog. Get out there, read and post. You will feel more connected and more accountable. Plus, for me, there were some days when I was down, and reading good news on other people's blogs really lifted my spirits. I wouldn't have been invested in their good news if I didn't read every day.

• Did I mention to not stare at your photos?

• Fall in love with the process. Focus on your workouts, your eating, your blog, supporting your fellow shredders. Do not become overly focused on the results in your day to day. Set aside a set amount of time for you to check your progress (like weekly or in my case, the end of the shred) and fall in love with the shred. It will save you from getting too discouraged or if you turn a big result EARLY resting on your laurels.

If you are worried about whether or not you can do the shred, know you can. You cannot be in much worse physical shape than I was (I could not even walk or stand up without a walker). You do not need to be following the same program as everybody else, and you do not have to worry if it's the right time. There is always something you can do and you always have more to give than you think you do.

Invest in yourself. Take the plunge. I am very glad. I did. If you have any doubts or questions you post a comment and ask.

Day 15: I wowed the folks at the hospital!

I am exhausted from the 14 days Group Shred, but I had a great day. I wowed 'em at the hospital. My physical therapist and all the "regulars" in the waiting room, smiled (even the pedi-cab driver congratulated me) when I walked in and out of the office. I had my walker, just in case, but I carried it!

I have not used my walker once today, and I actually took my medication LATE and barely even felt any pain at all.

I am so psyched that I lost six pounds on the shred, and am continuing to eat clean.

In case anyone is curious, I used Weight Watchers online, the Flex plan. I ate the full 21 points they say you are supposed to eat as a MINIMUM most days, but a few days I just wasn't that hungry. I never once used all 35 flex points, but did use some. My first week I used about 17.5 of the 35 and the second week I only used 4.5 of the 35.

I will allow myself to eat up to the full 35 points this week if I feel hungry.

Shorter post today. I think. I may add something after I watch Adam's video.

PS. Just watched Adam's video, and I was smiling and nearly cried. Plus, he looks so cute in his photo with that RTP hoodie. I can't wait to get home and try on mine. Suzette mentioned that in a way it was lucky that I had my injury so I could participate in the shred. She is SO right. I was just thinking that the other day and just now when I was watching Adam's video. I would have really missed out.

This blog is sort of where I let it all hang out. Typos, run-on sentences, tons of grammar errors, my real thoughts, feelings, heck I even let my GUT hang out, but I love writing it. And despite all the professional kudos I may have gotten a long, long, time ago and my fear that I had missed the professional boat I once had a first-class ticket on, I get a compliment from Adam on my WRITING even though the focus is elsewhere here and I love him for it. The part of my career I came to reconnect and rebuild here in the Philippines, but thought I was taking "a break" from by having this blog IS where I have felt the MOST encouragement. And darn it, this group writes some damn fine blogs.

TRANSFORMATION JOURNEY. Change your life. All true.

If you're reading this and thinking, I could do that. You're right. Join us in Jan. or right now. Drop me a comment. I promise to visit your blog.

Day 14 Congratulations and Thank You

Howdy Shredders!

I am exhausted and elated to reach Day 14 with you guys.

I want to say thank you to Adam Waters for putting together this group shred and being an inspiration to me and providing the means for me to be in the company of such great people. It is no coincidence that you have assembled such an extraordinary group of people, because you are such an extraordinary man. You attract what you put out in the world. Congratulations on you One Year Shredder Birthday!

Thank You to the Shredder Counsel for being on this shred and allowing me to bear witness to your transformations.

Suzette - Thank you for being a blog commenter before being a blog commenter was all the rage. But seriously, thank you for all your support pre-shred (I'm calling all the time Mission One, lol) and on this mission Group Shred. There is no way I would be walking this soon without you.
Andrew - Thanks for your informative blog and incredibly comforting words. I will forever admire your lightning-speed cardio and ironing, two thins I will admire, but never do. lol
Joni - Thank you for the cool video yesterday and your blog, advice and insights including The Potato Wedge Principal. Way to go on being on the "Big Blog" face and all.
Lynda - My Texan in Spain. Thank you for your supportive comments and sending me some of that big Texas energy when I really needed it! (PS You would die if you saw what passes for BBQ here.)
Bec - Speaking of way to go on the Big Blog, thank you Bec for representing the ladies up there, and for being an inspiration. Please send your eight-year-old to take my photos as mine are eternally blurry. lol
Dougal - If we should ever get to meet, I will be challenging complete strangers to kickball and forcing you to keep your promise and let me be on your team. :) Thank you for your inspiration, professional fitness advice, and complementing me on my bikini.
Massimiliano - Thank you! I love typing your name, and the big heart you have shared with me. Fluffy, (my dog) says hi to your fishes and cats and the rest of that Noah's Ark like compound you have out there in Osaka!
Mike - Thank you for being my "after," and showing me there is life after back problems. In a group of 15, you're here! I'm the luckiest girl alive. Thank you.
Sam - Thank you for sharing your feelings and ups and downs with me. I relate to so much of your posts and one day I'll relate to even more things - like having abs and running. :)
Diane - Now when the new kids come, I can say like Adam, "Me and Diane, we go way back!" Thank you for your inspirational blog and that fierce photo pose that I will be adopting when I have muscles in my arms.
Debbie - Thank you for all of your comments and being part of the pre-shred festivities (and brought us Lynda). Despite being busy, you manage to support us all and that is really cool.
Miriam - Thank you for sticking with us and your kind comments. I hope your husband joins us!
Alex - Glad you stayed on shredding mode with us. Thank you for representing the Philippines with me!
Josh - I have no idea if you read blogs you man of mystery Josh. But congratulations and thanks for being with us.

CONGRATULATIONS EVERYBODY! We got through our 14 Days Together! Yippee!

I wish I knew our weekly photos were due this Saturday before I ate that "reward meal" of spaghetti.


A Few Words About All These Photos

If I'd known I was going to be "on the Big Blog" with these pics I would have never posted photos in a bikini and it's too late to hide my face. lol That is the reason for the switch to shorts. So those are my photos to Adam.

The bikini photos are for my blog. I cannot survive taking a photo every week in a swimsuit, it is too traumatic and feeling inducing and I'll have to write another one of my feelings posts so I'll save it for special occasions, but I did want to post my 14 day photos to show I wasn't a complete coward.

My Stats!

Day One: Weight 158
Day 14: 152 (I lost six pounds.)

Total weight loss: 31 lbs.

I have only one stat, because my mission is about walking, and I don't have any access to stat collecting equipment of any kind. I actually only have my weight as a side effect of being in traction and the physical therapist needing them for the machin.

Why I'm Calling this Mission 2!

Mostly because I don't want to renumber my blog. I didn't take a lot of photos for my Mission One and I didn't step on any scales at the end. The last two photos are from what I now call Misson One. The "After" photo was taken approximately two weeks before the recent reemergence of my back problems. I did not have a walker and used the plan outlined on the left.

I will call the next Group Shred (in Jan) Mission 3, because that' s how we roll up in here. I am exhausted and will write about my many, feelings (maybe even a video like Joni) about the Shred.

Good night! It's 2 am and I have physical therapy in seven hours.

I love you all and thank you. You can have no idea how much you all mean to me. Thanks.

Day 13: A Truly Great Day - Kicking it Old School

So, today, I'm gonna kick it old school, and do what I did when I started this blog, A Gratitude List.

Today, I am so Grateful for these things and so much more:
1) Walking (sans walker) with very little pain from one room physical therapy room to the other with the compliments of my therapist.
2) Being able to walk with my walker a considerable distance with a slight incline in the hospital to get to THE SCALE to be weighed. (There's a small bathroom scale in my orthos office, but it's closed while he's making rounds.)
3) Sitting up at my computer as I type this (the first mission post not typed from bed!).
4) My restful, long nap where I woke up when I was rested instead of from a pain.
5) Every nutritious meal.
6) Every shredder, every blog, every comment.
7) My Mom who has been taking care of me.
8) My physical therapist and ortho
9) My Walker
10) Adam Waters

Day 12: Back to Basics

I've been thinking about this shred mission and what I've learned.

I've really learned what works for me and what doesn't. I I stated a mission goal above, and I've been working toward it. But I've realized something.

This kind of goal setting thing/affirmation thing I did above, it's not my bag anymore. Somewhere in my head I told myself, this is what I'm SUPPOSED to do. But that's not true. I was just scared to show myself the way I really am is all.

You see when I first set that goal above, I figured that I'd use those particular words, because it would be more tangible and in the spirit of the shred and be like less weird of a goal considering it was sort of weird that a girl with a walker is taking part in a shred mission at all so why have like a weird goal to go with it.

I thought I could set that goal using those words while secretly knowing my true mission was to put some energy and focus on my body and physical health, because that's the area I had been neglecting since my injury. (Heck my whole life except a few recent months)

But that's not what I wrote, and something happened.

My focus subtly switched. I didn't even notice that it became about exactly what I wrote above. In some ways putting energy toward my body and health looks the same as what I've been doing--walking, rehab exercises, and nourishing my body with good food. But when I started staring at my pics and weeping when I couldn't walk a certain distance, I knew I'd gone down the wrong path for me.

When I started this blog and my transformation journey I said I was just gonna focus on gratitude. I'm on a journey of getting away from being in the producing results business and into more of the enjoying the process business. Because it works better FOR ME.

I dig on being grateful for where I am no matter what. I like doing the work that is in front of me and enjoying it.

I've never put much energy toward my body until I came here to the Philippines, and then I lost some of that focus after a three weeks of being bedridden.

But my mission is to enjoy nourishing my body and enjoy the physical movement of my body. This IS what my next 10 weeks and beyond are gonna be about.

I'm sure as a byproduct of this much physical change will manifest. Heck, I lost 25 lbs. that way.

But, I'll enjoy each step cuz that's what I'm all about these days, and I'll being doing that as a service to other people, too, which means that energy will be mulitplied.

I think Lynda wrote, and I'm paraphrasing, that she was happy that this is what the Universe doled out next for her.

Man, I sure am, too.

Day 11: I LOVE TODAY

I love today!

I have walked further today than ever!

I can put weight on BOTH legs. Look!

As the Rocky theme song says, "Getting stronger!"

BTW, That should read, "...EVERY Single Step."

Day 10: Positive Pressure, Christy, remember the word positive

I am feeling stronger than ever. I worked so hard today. I feel great about that.

I am eating, sleeping and breathing this mission, and I love that part, too.

But I'll be honest. Cartoons aside. Taking these photos lately is bringing me down and bumming me out. It has nothing to do with how I look or any of that. I think I look fine. I'm actually happy about that swimsuit.

I'm just having a lot of feelings. A LOT of feelings. I don't like tying myself to a result. I don't know that photos necessarily do that, but when I take them, I take them and think I want to see progress, where before, I was just happy doing the work.

Maybe one day the photos will be just a part of the process I enjoy. Just documenting the day. But it IS NOT like that right now. It is a roller coaster ride of feelings that plunges downward VERY fast.

Has anybody experienced this? Did you feel it change and mellow out? Were those feelings based on the fact that you saw progress and you got a high off of that or is it that you can snap the photos and feel good even if it doesn't show on that day or for SEVERAL days?

If so, how long did it take and how sensitive about your photos were you to begin with? I really want to know if anyone cares to comment.

I like being happy with the process. I know it may mean that I don't get results fast, but I kind of like enjoying where I am more than getting a result.

I like the idea of the next mission. But it is more responsibility than this mission.

I'M A SENSITIVE GIRL--VERY SENSITIVE. Read my blog. Lots of feelings, and I am gonna feel every one of them and am determined to never suppress another feeling again. However, knowing that, can I handle our next mission and enjoy it?

I like that idea that if we did another mission we would do it after November, because I can see how I will keep focusing on my health, which is VERY IMPORTANT thing for me.

I like keeping in touch with everybody, because I love you all and I don't want to let you go. So I'll just keeping peeking in your blogs through November.

Being a sort of team leader or whatever. I love reading people's blogs and seeing how great they are just as people, and then letting them know I see it. Because that easy and fun and it's been really easy and really fun in this group. BUT I have a very, "we don't want to be on her kickball team," old feeling regarding people being sort of in a group that I lead. lol

Mostly, I am very sensitive to pressure. These days, I like to run my own race, let myself be me, watch things unfold. This is new. Will the higher level of accountability and "positive pressure" feel just like plain old pressure to me?

Will I fall into my old way of thinking? More results. Less journey. Is that a bad thing? Have I fallen into the reverse of my other extreme thinking?

Many, many, thoughts. Many, many, feelings.

Today, I will just try to focus on this mission, each step, and enjoying it.

I'd love to hear what you guys think. Speaking of enjoying, I have blogs to read! Hey, I feel happy already!

It's Day Nine! Holy Cow!

Note: This was posted before I saw Adam's video. My thoughts on Diet Mind Set vs. Habit Mindset are below. So this post is like a choose your own adventure.

If you would like to read about Christy's Day Nine with facts and figures go to Post A.

If you would like to read yet another long-winded, post chock full o' feelings regarding diet mindset vs. habit mindset, go to Post B.

Post A: OMG! Did anyone else have trouble uploading photos to blogger? I just kept trying for like a half hour. I just published this post without any text just to make sure my photos got up. I'm SO GLAD it finally worked.

What a day! Yesterday, in my little comic, I wrote that I made it "close" to the kitchen. Andrew, however, congratulated me for getting all the way to the kitchen.

So today, before I did ANYTHING else while my back and legs were still well-rested I made it all the way to the kitchen and back NO WALKER, NO BREAKS and NO HELP. So I can officially accept said congratulations now, Andrew. Thank you.

I have to take really, tiny, small steps, and I could feel my muscles just quivering. Afterward, Ouch. But I've been stretching and walking and doing my back exercise.

Plus, in order to pet my dog, I have to be able to bend down. Bending over is super dangerous, but my legs are SO WEAK, I can't bend down just yet.

So, I have been doing, like, one quarter squat (not even half) over a chair and the resting. Yes, ONE rep and then rest. It makes me laugh. Tomorrow two or more, baby.

Day 14 looms in the future. I am so tired of this walker and not being able to get my own meals and water (especially because I'm trying to drink 6-8 glasses a day). When I say ditch this walker and be able to make the coffee and pet my dog, I mean I want to ditch this walker completely. I am very grateful to my Mom for taking care of me, and this extra time we have together. And I want to walk really bad, too.

My eating is going right according to plan. For those who know weight watchers, I get 21 target daily points and 35 flex points a week that I can eat up any way I choose. Today, I still have 11.5 points LEFT, and for the week I have 30.5 points flex points left. My points reset on midnight Sunday. There have been some days when I didn't even eat all my points, but I always make sure to eat at least 18 so I'm not starving myself or whatnot.

Hey, this post has actual facts in it and not just my feelings. I guess Andrew and Mike and my fellow shredders are rubbing off on me.

Your encouragement mean so much. And I know that I have worked harder at this than I would have had I not done this mission. It's already DAY NINE.

You said it's good to be nervous, right Dougal?

******************
Post B: Diet Mindset vs. Habit Mindset

PS This is really long and may not at all be what Adam was talking about. You can still choose A or just read the cartoon.

Adam said he was interested in thoughts on this topic in any aspect of your life not just fitness. Wow, this topic is very relevant to so many very personal parts of my life. I'll just keep it as short as possible.

Every aspect of my life was in the diet mindset. I never took the time to set the groundwork to get into the habit mindset. I always wanted it NOW. I just had this drive (that I'd often been applauded for) to be different to be better to be more ASAP. I was an Over Achiever. Even as a kid, I'd live from report card to report card, pushing, striving, burning out, pushing more. I lived in constant anxiety, my stomach gurgling all the time, even when I was little.

I read so many Self-Help books and Diet Books. I mean dating back to like when I was in sixth grade and I started reading Dale Carnegie. I needed a quick fix. I needed CHANGE.

I couldn't just stay the same. I hated me and my life no matter what I accomplished, I felt like I can DO MORE. If I did more THEN I would be happy. I couldn't imagine it taking six months or three months or in financial aspects seven years. (Hallelujah that time has past!) It was like I was running a race and I so badly wanted to get to the finish line I just kept sprinting. I would fall down and hurt my ankle and still get up without having any regard for my wounds and run some more.

I'd set the milestones and hold in my pain until I hit the next marker and hit and fall with exhaustion. Then I'd yell at myself for not getting up. I hated myself more and more after I slid back to my old habits after each diet. Pretty soon, I couldn't even keep up my diets or life plans. Then I really hated myself. And I realized, all I ever was trying to do was escape PAIN.

I'd eat away my pain with ice cream and McDonald's. I'd stave off the pain with affirmations and goal setting. I'd deny that the person I was that hurting wounded person was "the real me" and went about trying to change me. But the truth is, that was the real me. And I love that person. I was doing the best I could, and if I really look at me with all my heart I feel a well of compassion.

So I hit a point where I could not run away from pain. I could not diet it away. I couldn't achieve it away with accomplishments, crazy romances, partying, nothing. It all stopped working. I was numb, empty and even physically unable to actually get to the party. (although I TRIED).

And that was my miracle. Like Dougal wrote, I hit my rock bottom. I ran until I cracked wide open and was forced into the willingness to stop and look around.

If you've ever read Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner, (like in English class it's old from 1797, which I had to look up) there's this part where he sees that even the water snakes are beautiful and that moment the albatross around his neck (BTW, that is where that phrase comes from) falls off.

That's when I could actually get into laying the foundation for different habits. The albatross of the dieting mindset was freed. I could feel gratitude and love for my water snakes, past and present, including the way I look, the way I eat, the way I think, the way I am. Not deny what was or is, but see it, feel the pain, and feel the relief and feel the joy and love and happiness that is now. And I succeed to the extent that I can each day and this is enough.

And now with that emptied there is new room for new habits. A "Habit Mindset" that for me is based in gratitude and love for what is and not based in some mythical future that I could diet think my way into perfection.

If you're a fan of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, remember how it's the old man telling his story to the person with a certain look in his eye. I think that is partly what this blog is about for me. Boy I'm hoping most people chose A.