My injury recovery is going really well. I can walk more and faster. I don't limp as much. I can foresee my return to the States. Now, the stress sets in. Adam says the Truth will set you free. Well here's a piece of my truth. I left Los Angeles, because of mental health issues, which is why I am so careful about my stress levels.
One day I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, and this weird sensation or lack thereof. I couldn't feel my face. It was really weird. Long story longer, my doctor said I was suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I thought, "Oh as long as it's nothing serious," and went back to work. The end result being more severe and scary attacks, and my employer actually suggesting I take some time off. I was put on disability by doctor the next day. Since I'd promised my Mom I would visit, and my disability checks were not the same as my salary, I packed my bags and came here "to visit." I was scheduled to return, but my injury has kept me here.
I just stopped all contact with my employer and let that job go, because it kind of got ugly and very unhealthy. The entire thing was very dramatic and embarrassing and bruising to my Ego. I just couldn't hack it. I totally failed. I couldn't believe it. I was always the "good kid" the "smart girl." What went wrong?
I had gone back to the day job as an attempt to straighten up and fly right and just stop being a comedian and a writer. The artist life was too uncertain and stressful, and I felt like I had to "grow up" and knock all this crap off. But I couldn't do it. I mean, I just couldn't. I failed miserably at "doing the right thing."
I guess it just came time to stop trying to be what I'm not. So I'm here, and I started a little online business since I have an internet connection, and I enjoy writing. It's profitable, but not yet enough to fully sustain me. I am getting better with walking and standing, but not to the extent that I would feel confident sitting up at a desk. (I write all these post lying down in bed). And the truth is even in better physical health, I couldn't hack it. When times got tough for me as a comedian, I tried to go the other way, but it's obvious now that that's not where I'm supposed to be.
It's just sometimes, it's scary. I'll have to go back, find a place to live, get my finances figured out, car insurance, renew my tags and getting health insurance, doing my taxes, making the rounds as a comic, making calls, etc. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I can feel that heavy feeling in my chest. My hands are shaky. It just feels like so much happens in such a short period of time. As you get older and your life gets bigger, there are deaths of friends and loved ones, car accidents, break-ups, moves, crime, hurricanes. It feel like a fantasy to just live six months without something horrible happening. And I know that it's not true, and I know from my former therapist sessions that some of my experiences have been stressful and rapid succession, so I've finally given myself permission to be okay with the amount of time it takes to heal. But I know there's a part of me that's not completely okay with it. My Ego wants me to "handle it well." Whatever it is. Just stoicly mourn death, pain, heartache, but HELLO I've only been able to fake being that kind of person. It's never been true. I've just covered up the pain with food and other very unhealthy behaviors that I no longer take part in. So I type here in this blog today to cope. And I had a McDonald's cheeseburger and small fry. In the past, I wouldn't have stopped there. I would have also had a DOUBLE cheeseburger and a LARGE fry and an apple pie or sundae. So there's progress. But, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like it or that I wouldn't eat three more burgers right now if they were within reach. Cuz I would. I don't even feel guilty. Really I don't. I'm more afraid of what people will write in my comments about my cheeseburger and fries that I am about going on some kind of binge. Because I know what to do when I feel those urges. I write about it.
That's why I wrote this post--to cope and cut calories. I always type this incredibly personal stuff in my blog and tell myself that I'll just hit the "save now" button instead of "publish post." Then I get too lazy to write the real post and hit publish. I tell myself I'll take it down. But I don't. But I still could. You ever do that?
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11 comments:
When you think about big goals like resuming your life in LA, it can seem very daunting.
Before I opened my yoga business, I thought how am I going to get all this done! All the legal red tape, the renovations, finding teachers, getting clients, accounting, marketing, etc. But I just wrote down each step and crossed them off when completed.
When I wrote my book, it seemed like an enormous task but again I outlined the chapters, fleshed them out, edited, researched publishers and put it out there.
When I left my corporate job, sold my studio and moved to go work at a hippie, raw food retreat center in Arizona, I thought what am I going to do with my condo andh all my belongings, how will I sell the yoga studio, can I get by without the corporate salary? And little by little, I made it happen.
Nothing is unsurmountable. Break it down day by day and be easy on yourself.
Regarding the burger and fries, trust me, we've all probably been there. I know I've had binges that make yours look like an hors d'oeuvre!
There is a saying from EST training that has always stuck with me - "Life is empty and meaningless." Sounds depressing? Or totally freeing? It's all in the interpretation. "Life is empty" = tabula rasa, clean slate - life is WHATEVER you want it to be! It's an empty stage and you are the playwright, the director, the actor with free license to create. "Life is meaningless" - WE apply the meaning to things. Things ARE just what they are. A burger and fries is just a burger and fries. It can be a terrible thing if you chose it to be, a neutral thing or a positive nourishing thing. We are free to apply whatever meaning we want and thus creating different effects on our lives. It's all in our control.
It's hard for me to describe what I'm trying to say, but I hope something in my long rant helps.
Just know that you are cared for and very much loved.
Lilla
Christy, you have certainly been through a lot.I believe the Universe will look after you and never let you make a wrong decision. Put your trust in it and I'm sure everything will work out. I have discovered that the Universe is a truly marvelous thing and from personal experience, it has made me a very positive person, which in turn has had a dramatic effect (affect?) on my home and work life. I'm sure it won't let you down.
Christy I applaud you for posting that. I know how you are feeling. I am facing something similiar. I have toyed with the idea of posting about it, but have been a bit scared. I am facing having to go back the states as well and deal with some very stressful issues.Lilla has some great advice there :) I'm sure if you take everything one step at a time it will all work out.
hi christy, just wanted to let you know that about 15 years ago I had a very serious depression, I could not work for 4 years as I was too ill, and I often felt like I would never recover.
I did though, and after having to leave what I thought was a great career I now work in a job that just love!
Just take all the time you need to keep taking care of yourself first, the rest will sort itelf out somehow. But you are your first priority right now :)
Christy, how weird. I just finished a long post for my blog that I will publish in the morning (sorry, but I dont' have the time to edit my photo setup and I won't publish without the pic), but read the Day 56 post when you get a chance. Oddly, it seems to address the cheeseburger and fries issue. I can't say that I know exactly how you are feeling, but I agree with Lilla that nothing is insurmountable. Hang in there and you will get through it if you want to. We are here for you as you need us.
Lilla, thank you. You've done so much. You're right about breaking it down. You've done so much. It's really cool to hear about it. I'd love to know more. I sensed from what you wrote in another blog comment that you had accomplished quite a bit. There's nothing like hearing somebody who has done it and come through the other side to make a dark day seem brighter. I completely agree with the life is empty. Although, sometimes that is at the root of my anxiety attacks. That vacuous emptiness where I feel my existence almost slip away completely. Sometimes I like it, but other times I freak out. lol Thank you.
Mike, you are right about the Universe. It is impossible to live life wrong. It's just a question of faith some days. Like I forget the big picture, and the Universe doled out you and my fellow shredders to remind me. Thanks.
Tea, thank you. I have felt embarrassed about this post for a good chunk of the day(and still do). It helps to know that I'm not the only one. I know it'll pass just like you said. But some days when you're in it, you're in it. You know what I mean? I wish you all the luck, love, harmony, good will, positive vibes anything that'll make facing your issues just a less stressful.
Jenny! Thank you for telling me about your depression and your emergence from what can REALLY feel unending. It is so nice to have somebody in the world say that it is okay to prioritize me. Nobody ever said that I shouldn't, but somehow there is a lot of guilt and shame about not being able to just "get it together." Somehow when talking about mental health issues, people seem to think that its all "in your head" and just act like it can be cured with a slogan and some positive thinking. Like if I had a broken leg, I would be allowed to let it heal, but depression and anxiety should just HEAL NOW. (That kind of adds to the problem in some ways). Thank you very much for your very kind, wise, and thoughtful words. I don't know you, but you can have no idea how much you helped me with your comment.
Michael, the burger and fries was cured with the typing of the post. I'm not sweating it. My main issue is my mental health and my secondary issue is my physical health. I agree that nothing is unsurmountable, and some days I feel very sad and anxious, too. This is just where I'm at today. It's never a question of me wanting or not wanting to get through it. I'm not sure I understand what you meant there, but I definitely understand you're kind heart and support. Thank you for that. And I'll be sure to check out your post, too!
Hi dear Christy,
I read your post and wanted to send you a hug and tell you to not worry, take your time, enjoy the life you are in now...everything always works out ok.
I haven´t been where you are now, so don´t know much about what you posted, but I did find when I moved to Spain, decided to marry a Spaniard, and all the life changes that came down the pike...I DECIDED in my head to be happy. I DECIDED to accept and be at peace with what I had (and it was a lot), OR go back home. Have never regretted it, but being happy to me is a DECISION that one makes. So far have had a marvelous life, but because I made it happen.
I wish that for you too. You are so dear, and so loved.
Lynda
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