Day 2 Feeling very silly and but I'll keep on stepping

I'm feeling very vulnerable and silly right about now. There are several things that I am actually very proud about, but I feel silly writing about it. I started this thing yesterday at 8pm. I'm proud of myself, because I could have waited another day, you know, to "start it right." But I did not. There is no right. I read somewhere that the only thing you have in the world is this moment, yourself, and a choice. There is a flaw in that theory, but there is also a lot of truth. I'm grateful that I did choose to just start. This is about not being perfect and just doing what I can as I can. There is so much to write about it every bit of it and yet none of it seems relevant. It's hard to describe what I'm doing. I may not even know. But yesterday, I managed to eat four servings of fruits and vegetables, dance around my room for a half hour, did five minutes of stretching, and drank four glasses of water. Plus, I read a chapter from one of my spiritual books despite not being in any mood to do so. Oh and I did my meditations and journaling on both days, too.

Today, which is not over, I've eaten five servings of fruits and vegetables, drank three glasses of water, danced for forty minutes and done five minutes worth of stretching. I'll add some weight stuff tomorrow. Very light stuff.

Here's the deal. I've never been very active, but always had the good fortune to take my good health for granted. I was in a car accident a few years ago and suffered some nerve damage on my left side and spinal injuries. It types a lot more drastic than it sounds, but it really screwed with my head. There were some very scary days when I couldn't move and walk. This is not about those days. It is about how those days affect me now. I've been grateful to be able to walk and sit up without pain. There are entire days when I don't even hurt and even forget that it ever happened. (except when I get into a car, of course, but that's a whole other story). Quite simply, exercise hurts sometimes. I learned in physical therapy, which pains aren't serious and other pains that are damaging. One really good physical therapist explained to me in a way I could understand. She told me that I don't do the exercises to decrease the pain, I do it to increase my functioning. Then as a side effect of increased functioning, I will hurt less. But now that there are days that I don't hurt, I like it. And some days, I'm a little afraid to hurt again. Like I just don't want to. But I cannot afford to go for temporary comfort and miss out on the bigger picture, you know?

Anyway, at the time of the accident I was surprised to realize that I did not have a great deal of advanced coping skills for pain. My thinking was to just pretend like it didn't hurt. I wound up getting re-injured during my many months of physical therapy. I learned a lot about the way I deal with emotional pain as well. My plan has always been, everything is fine, keep on moving. When that didn't work, I was wrought with fear and babied my injuries to the detriment of my improvement as well. But, I've learned a lot about me. And I've been opening doors to a lot of buried grief, sadness, and even anger. It has been an amazing, frightening, and enlightening experience. I did not realize that holding in all of those feelings also kept me from experiencing joy, happiness, and love. There were days when great things would happen, and I would think to myself, "Why am I not happy? Why don't I feel anything?" And yet, since my recovery from my accident and other things, I have felt an amazing amount of joy from just walking down the street or saying hello to somebody or buying a soda at the 7-11. It's so strange.

I think of it as a well of feelings that I've never felt just opening up. It has been an amazing experience. I am grateful for it. Some days, like today, are very emotional. But, I don't think all this coming out is a bad thing. It couldn't come out if it wasn't in there, and I've found that the most difficult thing about pain, be it emotional or physical, is the fear that I will be overwhelmed and consumed by it and never come back. But I'm no longer as afraid as I once was, and am very grateful to have this time to be able to realize that there is enough time to take care of myself. And that I don't have to be better to be worthy or be happy. I just am and there is no need to judge it. And yet, if I believed and was able to realize all that was true, I highly doubt that I would feel so embarrassed and silly about this blog. But I keep on going, because this is what's next. A person I hold in high regard described the spiritual journey to be something like walking up a staircase in the dark. You just keep on stepping up, never knowing which one is the last step. So here I am typing to no one or maybe just me or just you--stepping in the dark.

Today's Gratitude List (Goal To do 10 or more daily and try not to repeat)
I am grateful for:
1) This time to work on myself
2) Internet connection
3) iChat
4) My friend Brett
5) diet coke
6) Tears
7) My Mom
8) blogger.com
9) SiteSell
10) My Sister
11) My brother
12) Memories of my Dad