DAY 31 - So many thoughts

My open-ended return ticket expires in 60 days. I called my airline to inquire about the cost of extending my ticket. They are finding out what my options are. I miss Los Angeles, but I am progressing with my business and personal goals here. I may want to stay and take more time for myself. I am not sure yet. I used to randomly deem things as too expensive, too time-consuming, or too complicated and just deny myself whatever it was. Now I question everything--especially things I see as limitations and times when I think I do not have a choice. Limitations are rarely as absolute as my Mind thinks they are. Most of the limitations are personal fear and old information. In the case of the ticket, my thinking defaulted to "my ticket expires so I have to go back." These days I am getting in the habit of asking myself, "Is that so?" As in the case, the answer is invariably NO. Even if the ticket expires I do not HAVE TO go back. There are always options. It's just a question of how much effort I choose to exert to allow myself knowledge of available options and then effort to exercise those options. Now the True origin of where effort comes from and why is a VERY long discussion for another day. But now that I have gleaned much clarity on that issue, effort is a not as hard to come by especially when coupled with patience.

Checklist:
Class today, read half a chapter anyway, yes journal, 10 min. practice, five servings of fruits and vegetables, no icecream or sweets, but simple carb-wise, I had two pieces of bread and oatmeal, five glasses of water.

Gratitude List
1) Rudyard Kipling Poem "If" (I read it for the FIRST time today)
2) Emule.com (site where I found poem)
3) Oatmeal
4) Orange juice
5) John Keats
6) Byron's Manfred
7) Norton Anthology of Literature
8) Professors Huber and Hall
9) Mrs. Gershberg
10) Jerry Elam

Just in case you haven't read it recently or were like me and have never read it until now. Here is Kipling's If. Enjoy!

If
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Day 30 - Yay! Back to Lessons!

My dental situation is odd, but not as painfully scary it was a few days ago. I keep trying to avoid thinking about the potential cost. Okey doke. My eating is a little off. I ate a Drumstick Icecream today, because in an odd twist of fate those go down easy. Typically icecream totally freaks out tooth stuff, but not this one. I also have been eating bread to take with my pain medication so that I don't get those weird cramps. AND I have been eating mushy, pasta w/ cheese. I'm really not all that upset about it, because I didn't eat much at all for a few days there. Carbs are so much softer and smaller (I can't open my mouth very wide) than other food and comforting, too. But, I got in FOUR servings of fruits and vegetables. Seven glasses of water, subbing class for chapter today, yes meditation (but only two), yes journal and the BIG NEWS.

Yes, Arnis lesson AND it was for an hour and ten minutes, but if you take out the breaks I needed it was 55 minutes and I received many compliments on my improving strength before learning even harder moves. AND an extra 10 minute practice session. I am not a natural fighter AT ALL. When my teacher says to swing at him and he doesn't have his stick up, but he's can easily tell it's a safe distance I alter the way I swing and he can't figure out why. I know why. It's because I'm afraid I might hit him or get too close and startle him. Hilarious. I'm worried I might hit my teacher with the stick even though he's teaching me how to hit someone with a stick.

There is SO much to learn.

Gratitude List
1) Cute, stray cat that comes into our yard
2) Taking less pain medication!
3) Longer lesson today
4) craigslist.com
5) door to door container storage
6) Credit card refund on the way
7) Star Channel
8) Paul Potts (I'm a bit behind, but watched clips on YouTube WOW!)
9) Ryan
10) Refrigeration (yes as an invention. grateful for that)
11) BECKY!

I think I repeated one yesterday so I added on more today for fun. It's kind of tough to not repeat, but I like the challenge.

Day 28 - Grateful for painfree moments

I haven't posted for several days. My dental problems became very, painful. It is subsiding, and I will be very grateful to post about a healthy pain-free mouth in the future. It has been difficult to practice or eat. I am very grateful that my meditation practice has reached EPIC proportions and is an amazing coping mechanism for pain. I highly recommend it. Although, I more highly recommend avoiding pain. :)

I've had so many glasses of water I lost count after 8. Woo-hoo. I have not had any serious practice since my last post and had to cancel Friday's lesson. But I am grateful to be sitting up and posting again and eating whatever will go down easily.

Yes, meditation, yes chapter, yes journal, Eight plus glasses of water, 2 vegetable serving, danced for 2 songs, practiced Arnis for five minutes.

Gratitude List
1) Weird Filipino yellow fruit thing (I don't know the name, but I am VERY grateful for it.)
2) Ability to stand up with very little dizziness
3) Al Pacino honored with AFI Lifetime Achievement Award
4) Soft, soft, glorious noodles w/ cheese
5) Icecream
6) Adell
7) healing vibes sent across the waters from good friends
9) Meditation!!
10) Mefenamic Acid

Day 25 - Tooth Aches, but at least I didn't miss my lesson

Yikes. I missed my first post yesterday. I had a horrifying toothache that is now much worse. Went to dentist, will try antibiotics orally, then more drastic measures. Infection in my root canal. Yuck and Ouch.

I have discovered that most soft mushy foods are carbs. But still glad to have got in ALL SIX fruits and veggie servings today (yay bananas), SIX glasses of water, my Arnis lesson (45 minutes and SEVERAL compliments from my teacher on my improvement) 1 10 min practice session, only 1 mini-meditation, (glad to have it though), danced to three songs (10 min), chapter, journal and that's all I got. Grateful to post and now go to sleep.

Gratitude List
1. Dr. Chua (dentist)
2) anti-biotics
3) Tooth x-rays only 300 pesos (about $5.25 USD)
4) New double stick striking techniques - very fancy
5) Asparagus dish at lunch
6) Listerine
7) coasters
8) Bare Minerals foundation has built in SPF
9) Lip gloss
10) moisturizer

Day 23 - Grateful that very few people really look at this blog

I will attempt to post my "before" photos today. I reserve the right to take them down if I freak out. (okay if anybody knows why the photos are doing some sort of stagger thing let me know, but seriously, this took like forever. How on earth does Adam do this like every day?) Another quick note on before photos for me. I advocate SMILING in any before photo. That's what this is all about. I am grateful for where I get to be today. I'm gonna build on my SUCCESSES instead of that self-hatred cycle that I used to be in. No matter how many folds or lines and how much more things could get better, I maintain that I am, and YOU ARE ALWAYS ENOUGH. So there is always cause to be happy where you are. Even though, I gotta admit it IS a little challenging to remember that bit of truth in a swimsuit. :)

My teacher has ammended my Arnis training to 40 minute lessons three days a week. The intensity of our lessons has jumped 10-fold since last week. And he noticed that I am practicing on my own, so he thinks this will benefit me more. I even got a compliment on the power of my hits. However, when I get tired, I lose my form, I "cheat" a bit with my back and that's not good for my long-term form and naturally, my injuries. Oh well. I was immediately disappointed, but then I figure, I'll practice and get strong and we can increase it in a few weeks. (Luloy promised.) I remain flexible and excited about my already growing strength. I have also noticed that I mentally visualize my moves and my imaginary opponent in my mind to compensate for the fact that I do not have the strength and stamina for longer practices AND lessons. It's weird, because I played in the pit orchestra for the musical Music Man for forever and thought it was hilarious that he was telling the kids to just "think" about playing. IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!

On my new plan, I got in 5 mini-meditations, eight glasses of water, five servings of fruits and vegetables, 40 min Arnis lesson, 10 min. practice session, yes chapter AND my spiritual class, yes journal. I had 1 1/2 pieces of bread today, 1/2 a piece had jam on it. Also, there were hash browned potatoes at breakfast, so I ate those, too. Since we were out for breakfast, which is rare, I let that be my main meal for the day, and just had dinner and small fruit snacks throughout the day. No rice at dinner.

Gratitude List
1) Courage to really speak my mind in class today
2) PhotoBooth program on MacBook
3) Hashbrowns
4) Mango jam
5) Listerine
6) My very own, brand new Arnis Sticks
7) google ads
8) CJ
9) Vermont Teddy Bear Company
10) Stationery

Day 22 - Upping the Stakes

Today, I took a day off from training so I can be in my best shape for my lesson tomorrow. This week my teacher, and I are going to decide if I am actually fit enough to do 5 day a week lessons or if I would benefit more from lessons just 3 days a week. I really want to stay on 5-day a week lessons, but I cannot afford to let my EGO injure me AGAIN. I wrote yesterday about upping the stakes on my plan. For me the foundation of my "transformation mission" is built upon my spiritual program.

So I must focus on my connection to "The Force," "God," "Spirit" and "Higher Power," all words that I use and believe in. That said my goal is to PRIORITIZE that connection throughout the day and most importantly when I wake up and go to bed and before I practice and train. I have decided that the form of this will be "mini-meditations" of three minutes or more. Also, in order to increase my strength, I want to practice my stick fighting for 10-15 min in the a.m. and 10-15 min. in the evening, in addition to my lesson. My lesson is an hour, and that will be 90 minutes of martial arts training per day, which according to my trusty calculator is 1300 calories burned. Even if the reality is that I can only sustain an intensity that is HALF of what is typically considered martial arts training, I am sure that this will significantly help me improve my strength, tone, and weight loss efforts. In addition, I am going to watch and log the amount of simple carbs (white rice, sugar, desserts) and keep up with the water and veggies/fruit tallies. I will incorporate a FREE day weekly.

Once again inspired by Suzette and Adam, (and now Kriistina) I have decided to take the plunge and actually take photos. I think what has been keeping me from photos is that I took my first photos 92 days ago in a bikini so I could really see the difference. And I'm really glad I have that photo. BUT I CANNOT POST THAT PIC YET. I love that photo, because I'm smiling in it and know that that is the difference this time around for me. You see I started this with a different attitude, not one where I hated me, one where I felt good about me and it's given me the strength and courage I need. However, that photo will remain mine for now, but I will take other photos where I'm wearing more clothes and post them tomorrow. YIKES! Because I'm a female with water-weight gain fluctuation-like stuff and an overall sensitivity these days, I will post my photos on a weekly basis instead of a daily basis (unless I feel led by some unforeseen courage), because any other way is just damn scary to me. I'm grateful for what I can do. One day, maybe even soon, to paraphrase the narrator in Fight Club, I'll have "No fear, no distractions. The ability to let that what does not matter ... truly slide." On the other hand, maybe daily photos is one of those things that I'm letting slide. Well, there is the fear of being called fat so I guess I do not have the ability to let things slide yet. But hey, it's about what I can do now and being grateful for that. Speaking of that:

Today, 4 serving fruits and veggies, six glasses water, yes chapter, yes journal, yes meditation. (tomorrow new goal: 5-6 meditations daily) No lesson. No practice.

Today I am grateful for:

1) Katherine
2) Sister's cute cat Puddin'
3) Completion of class "homework"
4) Beautiful view from my window,
5) Cactus plants in full bloom
6) Mom's cool self-designed brick barbecue
7) My own bathroom
8) Salt water gargle (for toothache)
9) Q-tips
10) Coffee maker

Day 21 - I have 10 weeks left

I bought a six-month open-ended round tip ticket from Los Angeles to the Philippines. It was my decision to take charge of my life without going further into debt. As a matter of fact, as a result my FICO score has jumped 12 points, and I'm on track to being completely debt free. The only debt I have now is the money I used to buy this computer I'm typing on, and I have it at 0% interest for 12 more months. I have saved almost enough to pay it off, but for once in my life, I'm being smart. I have the money in ING savings accounts and CDs (Yes, you can buy CDs for $50 and $100 there, it's amazing) earning interest and making money for me. Yes, it's only $8, but it is learning the principals about savings and good credit and putting it into practice.

My cyber-friend, Suzette, had a quote on her blog http://www.qfs-blog.blogspot.com/ (see blog roll for active link) "Change your thoughts and you'll change your world." This is what this trip to the Philippines has been for me. I've been looking to change my thoughts within four parts of my life: spiritual (which has been in progress for sometime now), financial (how I've earned my living, my career, education, and attitude toward my finances), physical (which just started 21 days ago, which includes health, fitness, weight and grooming), and last it will be my feast or famine type attitude toward romantic relationships. (I think I have smartly decided to work on myself first, and then move on to my romantic relationships. I have also worked on improving non-romantic relationships in the meantime. VERY good practice. If I can't be the best friend, daughter, co-worker or sister I want to be than how am I going to be the kind of girlfriend or dare-I-type it wife, that I want to be? But that will be tackled well after this next 70 days)

Anyway, my free-time here in the Philippines has only 70 days left. So I want to make the most of it I can. By tomorrow's post, I want to set my sites a little higher, and yet keep the spirit of gratitude about what gets done in tact. This is VERY TRICKY for me, but a great learning experience.

No Arnis lesson today, but I did practice for 30 min. (2 session, 10 min and 20 min), seven glasses of water, 5 servings of fruits and veggies, meditation, journal and chapter, yes.

Gratitude List
1) Quieter work area
2) 0% financing from Comp USA :)
3) Eva Airlines
4) My travel agent
5) Advil
6) Tweezers
7) Restaurant called Why Not
8) Donatelanos Restaurant
9) Super Lee
10) Local passport office

Day 20 - Grateful for forgiveness

In my reading today, there was a passage about forgiveness. Forgiveness for even small judgments as well as great injustices. In a strange way, the great injustices of my life seem easier to forgive. It is so much easier to recognize how much the anger or resentment poisons my mind and how it cannot be personal. But the extent of forgiveness written about in this book is an incredible degree to aspire to. The kind of forgiveness that transcends desire and omits the possibility of any transgression in the same manner again. It's the small petty things like being angry at somebody for saying something negative about me or hitting on me at a party or cutting me off in traffic. Those things seem to really rattle my peace. In order to truly forgive these small things, I must reach a place where I recognize the truth that these transgressions are impersonal in nature and are derived from human conditions such as fear and not the spiritual condition of harmony. Now that is easy read, and easy to type about, but for the first time in a long time, I really have been able to see how much those small, petty, moments poison my mind. I forgive myself for my pettiness, but as it says in the book in order to have the "peace that passeth understanding" that is so often referred to but rarely understood, I must reach a place in my life, where I forgive myself and those who appear to transgress against me. According to what I read to day, which really struck something in me, that day of complete forgiveness comes on the day that I realize there is nothing to forgive, and that I can no longer repeat the pattern of behavior that got me to the point of pettiness.

That day may be a long way off. But I find my willingness to let go of my own transgressions of righteous indignation, judgment, and even and ambition is growing, SLOWLY. Manfred said dying is not that hard. I disagree.

Today 7 glasses of water, FIVE servings of fruits and vegetables, meditation, journal, chapter, yes and STICK FIGHTING for an hour. Yay!

Gratitude List - Theme forgiveness
1) KL
2) KT
3) AT
4) HR
5) B.
6) L.
7) JL
8) Daniel
9) K
10) KM

Day 19 - The Night the Lights Went Out in Claytown

Through a miscommunication via my teacher's office and my Mom, my Arnis lesson did not happen today. In an odd coincidence we had a series of power outages during the time my lesson would have taken place. We practice outside in the yard with spotlights here. When it's dark in our neighborhood, it it PITCH DARK so we wouldn't have been able to conduct our lesson anyway. It's funny how things work out. He would have wasted a trip, and I am still recovering. I'll be much better by tomorrow. So sleepy. I'll keep this short tonight.

Today 4 servings fruits and vegetables, 6 glasses of water, plenty of rest, journal, chapter and meditation, all yes. No deserts or white bread today.

Gratitude List
1) non-dairy creamer
2) Batteries
3) old school portable CD player
4) electric shaver
5) dvd player capability on computer
6) text twist on yahoo games
7) stumble.com
8) Celeste
9) Jill
10) Ethlie

Day 18 - Wax On, Wax Off (heavy on the off)

Showing my age with another Karate Kid reference. I wasn't even a big fan of the movie, but my sister keeps teasing me. (Long distance via iChat. Isn't technology amazing.) I had to pass on my lesson today. I am a little disappointed, but my veal-like existence for the last two years has left my muscles very weak. So I get to be grateful for a day of rest. I am still walking like Frankenstein, but after icing my back yesterday no weird crazy pains. Which means I am actually building real MUSCLE. For the longest time my back pain would kick in before I could really feel any kind of muscle fatigue, but that is not so not the case now. My butt and thighs are so sore. My abs don't hurt much anymore. I'll be okay to give it another go tomorrow night.

I know something must be up as far as energy expenditure is going, because before these lessons I have had super easy time watching what I eat (here in the Philippines. In the States I spent a lot of time hanging out with my fellow comics at every single 24 hour diner in Los Angeles.) But while I've been here, I've been hungry from time to time, but I can always eat vegetables or a little fruit and have a little meat and maybe a half a desert once or twice a week. But since I started these lessons, I am so exhausted I think I'm not hungry. But the second I take a bite of meat or an egg or something fatty or simple carbs like bread or something, I AM INCREDIBLY HUNGRY. I have chicken and rice today, and I took one bite of that chicken and a spoonful of rice and it was like I'd never eaten chicken or rice before. My body craved it down to its toes. And after my first lesson, I had a craving for CANDY like I couldn't believe. I split a Kit Kat bar with my Mom and that took care of that, but I didn't even feel sick or regret that candy bar. It was like, "Oh, that's perfect. I feel like a million bucks." I mean it was like I've been on the beach all day swallowing salt water and I get a slice of water melon GOOD.

Portions are naturally small in the Philippines so I don't overeat like I do in the States. But it's weird, I usually take a banana off the table and eat that first and then just eat what I have room for. But I saw that chicken and rice today, and that pork and spaghetti yesterday, and it was sayanara fruits and vegetables. It's caveman Christy.

Yesterday, I made sure to eat a bowl of oatmeal before my lesson, and that seemed to do the trick on cutting down that candy craving, but I'm going to keep up with eating the meat and eggs. I think my body is building muscle for the first time in two years and it NEEDS that protein.

My body is so sore, but I AM SO HAPPY! I just know I'm getting stronger.

Yes journal, yes chapter, no dancing, no Arnis lesson, ONE serving of fruits and vegetables, EIGHT glasses of water.

Gratitude List
1) Delicious chicken
2) Rice
3) My watch (a gift I use every day)
4) Butterflies on the lawn
5) Flowers blooming on our fence
6) Good healthy of my family
7) Niece Ana
8) Nephew Anthony
9) Nephew Jason
10) Sister-in-Law Diana

Day 17 - Major Ouchies!

I am so sore. I had my second Arnis lesson with my teacher today. I'm feeling a few of the warning pains in my back so I will take it easy, but I love these lessons. They are private lessons daily for an HOUR. An hour of martial arts every day Mon-Fri. My teacher watches me carefully. I made it through the first 45 minutes without needing a break. An incredible improvement over yesterday. My teacher may bring his son next week for more demonstrations. Despite the fact that I am walking like Frankenstein, I could not help picking up my stick and practicing a little in my room. It is just that COOL.

Plus, food tastes SO good when you are hungry from training. Me training! With a teacher! Five days a week! Incredible! I am feeling it, too. This stuff works everything--legs, butt, shoulders, abs. The only reason my back hurts, I think, is because my legs were sore today, I started to "cheat" a little. Arnis seems to really be about balance and power stemming from your core and your legs. The science geek in me sees how amazingly brilliant the economy and mechanics of movement can be. It makes me want to read a bunch of books (or web pages) on anatomy and muscles to appreciate the genius of it all even more. It is really incredible to watch the grace and power of Luloy as he demonstrates each move.

I love learning new things. It is amazing to have this time in my life to learn a new business (see my website on the left), learn Arnis, and further my metaphysical studies daily as well. I cannot believe how much change can be accomplished in such a short period of time. But with a bit of Grace and a bit of Faith, everything is always possible.

today: mediation, yes, subbed Monday (well in the States) night spiritual class for chapter, yes journal, Six glasses of water, 5 servings of fruits and vegetables, one hour class, 10 min walking.

Gratitude list:
1) The satisfying crack of my stick during drills
2) ICE for my back
3) Hair bands and barrettes to keep my hair out my face
4) Janice in customer service
5) Tomaz from tennismindgames.com
6) Blue ink pens
7) MovieMagic Screenwriting Software (so easy and cheaper than Final Draft)
8) David Letterman
9) Jake Johannsen (the comedian who inspired me to go into standup)
10) Gee why didn't I list this sooner, Stand-up Comedy

DAY 16 - First lesson today HOLY CRAP!

I am not getting down on myself, just stating a fact. Holy crap am I out of shape! I am so glad I really didn't think this stick fighting all the way through in my typical, logical fashion, because as anybody who may read this blog probably could have easily guessed, um, I am not in the ideal shape to be a martial arts student. It would not even be cruel or inaccurate to state that I am in the lowest fitness level of adults my age, having been partially (and completely) immobile for huge chunks of time in the last two years and my prior history as a "mathlete" and bookworm/couch potato really doesn't set me up to be the female, stick-fighting, version of the Karate Kid. I've barely gotten good at dancing in my room for more than thirty minutes. How exactly am I going to be able to study Arnis (Filipino stick fighting)?

The answer. I don't know exactly. I do know I will do it IMPERFECTLY. Having been a total goody two shoes and a very serious, quick-learning student, I get to accept and enjoy the new experience of being a SLOW LEARNER. There, I said it. I, Christy Murphy, will be grateful to be the best student I can be and accept that this may mean that I am not the best student that my teacher ever had. :)

And you know what? I'm actually not caring so much now that I typed that, because I tell you I am VERY grateful to even be in the position to try. So many miracles had to happen just to give me a shot at learning something this new, this challenging and this totally out-of-character for me. I am grateful for every miracle that brought me to this minute.

Today:
New spiritual class started today (now I have two a week - yay) so subbing that for my chapter, journal yes, no dancing, an hour of stick fighting, five glasses of water, two servings of vegetables.

My Gratitude List:
1) The patience of my teacher
2) months of physical therapy and all of my therapists
3) Cool, cool shower
4) Spaghetti for dinner
5) Feeling tired from actual martial arts training-- ME!
6) My former accupuncturist
7) Beautiful curtains in my bedroom
8) meditation CD given to me by a friend
9) All my doctors, specialists and technicians
10) My lawyer who got me the money to pay for it all :)

Now I'm gonna get inspired by Suzette, Adam and Jamie. Bye cyber-friends.

Day 15 Energy Vampires and the Value of Keeping things sacred and silent

Adam Waters had a great post today about energy vampires. I will go on a tangent about this. So, do not think in any way that Adam's post actually says this stuff. It's just that it got me on this train of thought. In a rare instance, should somebody who is not a fellow Adam-reader like Suzette and Jamie, be reading this at some time in the future you can go to Adam's blog and read his very good post here:

http://12weekphysique.blogspot.com/2007/07/day-249-to-digg-or-not-to-digg.html

I have found a lot of inspiration from my fellow bloggers, and it's caused me to run around cyber-space posting in forums instead of doing the work I need to do and as a result got me kind of cyber-sad. And then true to form, I read Adam's blog and it reminds me of something a teacher told me about keeping something sacred and silent. I'm not the person I once was. I used to be able to debate and argue and be entirely less sensitive to outer influences and could even be fueled by the temporary surge or rush that I would get from heated discussions and competition. Forgetting that I would crash a few days later over the repercussions of not realizing arguing somebody into a corner and mentally tearing them to shreds makes people feel stupid and kind of fear you or hate you or know the real truth about you, which is that I was insecure and in a painful dark place. I also had a hard time feeling my feelings and over time lost touch with my empathy, gratitude, compassion and joy. It seems like I was not the wall of Spock-like logic, I thought I was. I still HAD all the feelings of pain, sadness and disappointment, I just masked them with biting humor, sarcasm, and other stuff that I won't go into here. Stripped of those vices, and on a "transformation mission," as Adam would say, I must respect the value in providing myself with a safe space to work things out and keep my mission, "sacred and silent" until the time when I have developed enough to not be derailed by misunderstandings and people who exhibit many of the frailties I once (and still) showed and others that only by the grace of something a little bigger than me, I did not outwardly exhibit. I have no room to judge (even though it is tempting and I do anyway sometimes), I must look and see the greater Truth in these people. The Truth that is just temporarily masked by insecurities or other human illusions that are easy to be mesmerized by lack, jealous, the appearance of inharmony.

However, until I can look into the heart of every fellow man and see the inspiring part in them that I see in people like Adam and Suzette, I shall cast my gazes in the direction of sites where the light is easy for me to see. One day, maybe even soon, I will be able to realize the capacity that is within all of us, which is the ability to appreciate the miracle that is part of every person. That day is not today. And that's okay, too. I am very, very, human.

Yes journal (forgot to blog it yesterday, but I have not missed a journal yet YAY), yes meditation, danced to four songs (15 min) no stretching, five servings fruits and veggies, four glasses of water.

Stick fighting starts tomorrow. YIKES!

Gratitude list
1. work on my script today
2. yahoo answers
3. wikihow
4. simmered pork
5. Splenda now available in bulk for cheaper at the market
6. my comfy sneakers
7. comfy pajamas
8. cell phone that doubles as my alarm clock
9. Multi-purpse contact solution (remember when you had to buy saline AND disinfectant)
10. Law and Order re-runs

DAY 14 - Coming in just under the wire

Technically it is Sunday already, here, in the Philippines, but I'm going to blog for yesterday now. That is what this blog is all about. What is really cool was I was getting ready to type that I hadn't finished my chapter of reading, and then I thought, "Hey! I could just read that right now." So I did. I just finished it. Another victory for blogging. Meditation, yes. Chapter, YES! Danced for 39 min (10 songs), drank 4 glasses of water, ate 3 servings of fruits and vegetables. (No wonder I woke up STARVING!)

Gratitude List:

1) New cyber-friend Jamie!
2) Family-friend, Darwin
3) Enough money to have friends to dinner
4) Filipino Icecream guy (he stops by once a week right in front of the house)
5) Learning my first phrase in Bosian, well I can only write it phonetically, "Paleet og capi ogma" my very rough attempt at asking if our housegirl "to buy coffee tomorrow" She is still laughing. :)
6) Post It notes
7) New pens
8) Fresh pads of paper
9) Candles
10) Soft pillows on my bed (well anywhere really)

Day 13 My Stick Fighting Lessons Start Monday

I am nervous and excited. It runs out my lessons will be daily and 1 1/2-2 hours. We can take breaks for my back. I don't even know if I've stood on my feet for that long in the last two years since the accident. But I got the go-ahead from my doctor and physical therapist a while ago, so I'll just do the best I can this Monday and know that what ever I can do IS ENOUGH.

I'm going to even compete in matches. First, I'll watch and then I'll compete. All in the next six weeks. Wow! I wonder what that will be like. Anyway, today I danced for 40 min (10 songs), no stretching, 4 glasses of water, 4 servings of fruits and veggies, chapter done, journal done, meditation done.

Gratitude List for today

1) Luloy - My New Stick Fighting Teacher
2) Big yard to practice and have lessons in
3) Evening lessons so it won't be so hot
4) Mixed frozen vegetables
5) Oatmeal
6) No damage from earthquake (it was weird to not be in California for an earthquake)
7) Go Between scrubby things instead of floss (I finally found them after 3 months of being here. Still in the suitcases. I thought I looked there a million times)
8) Electricity
9) Mosquito repellent
10) UPS tracking for packages

DAY 12 - On the 12th Day of this plan, blogger gave to me

ONE SHINING COMMENT! (Yeah, that didn't really work, did it? It was supposed to like the 12 days of Christmas, but ... um ... lame. As they say in LA, "I'll workshop that and bring it back to ya." lol - Thank you Suzette. I just saw read the comment today.

Things are clicking along today. I danced for 30 min. (7 songs - 1 was REALLY long), stretched for 1 song (4 min), drank four glasses of water, and ate four servings of fruits and vegetable.

I read that you only need 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, which is cool. I'll keep striving for six (I don't force myself to eat when I'm not hungry), so it will keep me encouraged to eat fruit for snacks and veggies as man dishes more often. I can't seem to eat enough grilled eggplant. SO GOOD. Yes, chapter. Yes, meditation.

Today A Themed Gratitude List (Movie Stars from the Golden Age of Hollywood)
I am grateful for the wonderful work and glamorous-seeming existences of the following old school movie stars:

1. Dean Martin
2. Marilyn Monroe
3. Cary Grant
4. Humphrey Bogart
5. Lauren Bacall
6. Bette Davis
7. Clark Gable
8. Katherine Hepburn
9. Audrey Hepburn
10. Jimmy Stewart
11. Gregory Peck
12. Ingrid Bergman

I could type forever! I love old movies.

Day 11 - Grateful for this Plan

Adam Waters is a genius for discovering this blogging and accountability thing. Even though there is absolutely no one reading this, and as detailed in my own plan, I am not allowed to beat myself up for not getting things done--IT WORKS.

Now there are tons of people doing amazing, dramatic transformations. I LOVE AND AM VERY GRATEFUL for their inspiration, and then there's me. You see the only times when I really could muster the drive to commit to diet and exercise was when I really hated me. I mean I wanted to punish myself for being ugly, stupid and fat with a strict exercise plan and mental chastising so that I wouldn't stay the lazy person I thought I was. And then, I would get this rush of excitement, produce a little result and then fall back, and be even more unhappy. The crazy thing was, I was way thinner then and didn't enjoy my body at all. Think of it like Yo-yo dieting, but much worse, because it was my mental and spiritual health that I was draining one "lifestyle change" at a time.

As I came to terms with life's hardships, which everybody has, I just realized life was too short for me to not be happy now. Naturally, I am not happy every minute of every day, but when I so desperately want something to change, I know that I have been mesmerized by the ultimate human error, which is that I am not good enough as I am. No matter what. You are always enough.

But back to the genius of accountability, I almost did not post, yesterday but I just thought. What if one day somebody reads this? Isn't it that much more important to MY POINT to post on the days where I do less than on the days that I get a lot done? And then today, I have was so busy working to meet my business challenge that I thought, "I can just do what I did yesterday." And I was cool, but then I had the urge TO DANCE in my room and be goofy. I needed the break and danced for 31 min (9 songs) and felt like a million bucks. I got so much more work done. No stretching today. Yes, chapter. Yes, meditation. Four glasses water. Four servings fruit and vegetables.

My gratitude list:
1) This PLAN
2) Contact lenses
3) My glasses
4) tweezers
5) Sonicare Toothbrush
6) Transformer/converter thingy that lets me use US appliances here
7) Index card
8) Marty
9) Marty's new pigeon constume (oh there will be a link soon)
10) The Hollywood Improv

Check out my website:
www.my-thank-you-site.com

Day 10 Still Here Still Grateful

Very fixable, but labor intensive challenge came up today. I am grateful, as always for the ability to meet a challenge, and for every bit of what I got done today. Today I did not dance, stretch or workout. I drank four glasses of water and ate three servings of vegetables. I did my meditation and journaling and (it being Monday in the States), I had my spiritual class and lecture via teleconference that I sub for my reading.

A short post today. But I'm grateful for that, too. :)

Gratitude List
1) Clean work area
2) Oprah episode on organizing
3) Ability to type quickly
4) Classmates
5) the movie The Matrix
6) Meg Johnson
7) New class starting on Sunday
8) Hair conditioner
9) Dental floss
10) Competitive spirit

Day 9 - Motivation Increasing!

Something interesting is happening. In the past, my motivation for a a plan like this would usually have faded completely. Instead it's the total reverse. I'm feeling like I can't wait to step it up a notch. I've been incorporating aerobics moves and cardio boxing moves that I learned in videos and classes into my "dancing." I really feel a difference. Plus, I've decided to start my stick fighting lessons this Monday (provided my teacher can accommodate me) instead of waiting a week. Regarding food. I managed to get in 5 of my fruit and vegetable servings. A fast-food burger and fries was actually given to me for dinner, which tasted okay while I was eating it, but afterward I felt a little sick. The idea of fast food is not as appealing as it was just a week ago. Very interesting. Drank four glasses of water, read my chapter, did my meditation, did my journaling, and danced for 11 songs (40 min), stretched for 2 1/2 slow songs (9 min).

BTW, did you know that dancing burns approx. 265 calories an hour for a 130-pound woman? I put my weight and dancing into a calculator and it said I burned 216 calories. Isn't that amazing. Martial arts burns an astonishing 870 calories an hour and builds muscle mass. Probably not the way I'll do it at first, but with DAILY lessons, I'll improve quickly. Plus heavier people burn more calories during weight bearing exercises. So I can even be grateful for my weight. Imagine how much easier everything will be with less weight and more stamina. I'm feeling so great already. :)

Here's the calculator I used : http://fittv.discovery.com/tools/calculators/burnrate.html

Today I'm grateful for:
1) The Boulevard here in Dumaguete
2) Grilled Eggplant
3) Pedicabs
4) The Star Wars Movies (They've been on tv)
5) TV Show Heroes
6) Clean laundry
7) Walking without pain
8) William Blake
9) Bill W.
10) Amy Tan

DAY 8 - Grateful for Grief

I've been reading a chapter a day from Joel Goldsmith's, "The Thunder of Silence," along with my meditation and journaling. I'm finding as I attain more harmony in my life, I discover many tears of relief, understanding and just un-cried sadness rising. It is hard to let go of old beliefs. I also have many human desires for success, money, companionship that will have to be let go of. A while ago, I took the question of "How do I stop wanting?" into meditation. The answer came back very clearly. "To have it." As a spiritual being, I have no wants. But I am mostly human. I have not transcended this plane or experienced a level of enlightenment that has allowed me to demonstrate and realize the Truth that the nature of life is harmony. So as I move forward, I walk in two worlds. And know that each step I take is guided by Grace and to know that I am perfect here and now even in the moments that I have what could be called petty thoughts of wanting to look pretty.

On a different note, a friend wrote me an amazing E-mail. I won't share the details, because it is his personal correspondence. But today I find, I have cause to be grateful for grief. I have had the experience of grief and mourning of various loved ones even though I am 35. I discover more and more that as I have been more comfortable with my grieving process the more I am able to be of comfort to my friends who are new to experiencing the death of a loved one. The phrase blessing in disguise comes to mind, but the truth is I am the one who labels life's misfortunes as misfortunes. There is no disguise.
Today I grateful to have eaten four servings of fruits and vegetables, six glasses of water, stretched for 2 1/2 songs (9 min), danced for 10 songs (40 min), journaled, meditated and read my chapter.

Gratitude List
1) Amazing Wimbledon Men's Final on television (almost a repeat so I'll do 11)
2) Every single vertebrae and disc in my spine EVEN my L5-S1
3) My car accident
4) Losing my job
5) Sal
6) Dr. Reitman
7) Fellowship
8) Soft sheets
9) Palm trees
10) Ocean views
11) Nice breeze on a hot day

Day 7 - Free Day or No Free Day

On old diet plans and workout plans, I had a free day. I kind of thought. Hey why not do that? Then I realized. Any day is a free day. I am being grateful for what I do every day. Should I need a total break, I will be grateful for that break. Should I feel continued inspiration in the arena of this plan, then so be it. To that end, I am grateful to have danced for 6 songs (20 min.), drank four glasses of water, eaten a small brownie in addition to four servings of fruits and vegetables, I journaled (forgot to mention that I did that yesterday, too), did my meditation and did my reading. Feeling very awesome.

Gratitude List
1) Brownies!
2) Mangoes
3) Poetry
4) Music
5) Paintings
6) Roger Federer
7) Daniel Craig
8) My long hair
9) electricity
10) French manicures

DAY 6 - My eating habits are really great

Wow! I spent a lot of time today watching tennis. Great fun. I'm very excited to mention that my back is really holding up nicely. I feel it getting a workout and those little cracks like in the physical therapy and even some muscle soreness so I'm building those muscles, but NO SHOOTING PAIN at all, and none of the unbearable muscle tightness either. I have other muscles that are more sore than my back. Yahoo! This is such great news. It means that I'll be able to get the most of my stick fighting lessons when I start. Maybe I'll start sooner than two weeks. I'm just too excited about it. IMAGINE! That will count as an entire HOUR of exercise, and I'll be learning something Filipino AND self-defense. It's amazing how the nature of WhatIs really takes care of things better than I can plan it. Today I drank all EIGHT glasses of water, danced for 12 songs (48 min), stretched for two songs (8 min) ate all SIX servings of fruits and vegetables, did my meditation and read my chapter. It's amazing. The closest thing I came to eating junk food today was a piece of white bread with a very little bit of peanut butter on it and coffee with some sugar and creamer in it. By switching my focus to what I'm doing instead of what I'm avoiding (because I'm not avoiding it, I can eat whatever I want, anytime I want) things just take care of themselves.

Gratitude List
1) Peanut Butter
2) scrambled eggs
3) Coffee
4) Tom
5) Lee
6) Monday night class
7) My MacBook
8) online banking
9) E-mails from readers of my website
10) Beautiful house designed by my Mom

Day 5

Yay. I've made it to DAY 5. I danced to 8 songs (28 min), did my writing, meditation, read my chapter, ate four servings of fruits and vegetables, and drank 5 glasses of water. I've gotten to talk to my friends and family a lot today and yesterday (like six hours total), so perhaps my drive to blog is a little less than normal. But I'm still here. Focusing and celebrating what I did do instead of what I didn't. Yes, there is always room for improvement. But I'm building on my successes. I'm feeling really great. I better hurry up and take before photos. I have some other before photos from when I started upping my spiritual work when I got here. Maybe I'll post those. MAYBE. Oh wait. Nobody is reading this anyway. :)

Gratitude List
1) My friend Briana
2) ATM machines
3) Kris Coleman
4) MySpace
5) Murphy's Flaw
6) The sound of the rain on my roof
7) Mom's dog, Fluffy (pronounced Floppy if you have a Filipino accent)
8) Favorable exchange rate from USD to Filipino Peso
9) http://www.my-thank-you-site.com
10) God-Spirit-Love-Universe-the Nature of WhatIs

Stick Fighting - Day 4

Happy Fourth of July everybody! Today while I was at our lawyer's office here in the Philippines, Mom and I were talking to the security guard. I was excited to discover that he teaches Filipino stick and knife fighting to the local police and gives private lessons. I have been dying to learn a martial art, and he is available for daily private lessons. In six weeks of daily lessons he says (even with my spinal condition), I'll be able learn some of the basic self-defense moves for stick fighting. I am even more eager to get my strength and physical stamina up to par so I can make the most of my lessons. I could never afford daily, private lessons in the States. So, for the next two weeks, I'm really going to work on my stamina and strength training so I can be better prepared to learn Stick Fighting. I may even get to learn Knife Fighting basics after that!

To me, it is amazing, because I've always been a bookwork and as my friend Jeremy Kramer used to say a "mathlete." When I was on the road a lot for standup, I felt really vulnerable driving around late at night. Now that I'm planning to go on the road more when I return to the States instead of just performing in Los Angeles, I'll feel so much safer if I had some self defense techniques.

Today, I had 5 servings of fruits and vegetables, 5 glasses of water, did my meditation, journaling, ready my chapter, and danced for 10 songs (40 min.).

My Gratitude List
1) Discovering a teacher
2) Air conditioning in my bedroom
3) Stamps.com
4) Joel Goldsmith
5) Bethel House
6) My newfound dedication improving my fitness
7) DKNY perfume "Be Delicious"
8) long baths
9) Wimbledon on television
10) Josie our housegirl

DAY 3 Claiming a victory

It is 3am here in the Philippines. I am claiming a victory today, because that is what this is all about. There is tons of room for improvement, but this is about what I did do--not what I didn't. And TODAY I ate all 6 servings of fruits and vegetables. Drank 6 glasses of water. (and as a result have had no diet coke. Weird. I drink anywhere from 1-2 liters a day. My head hurts a little.) Danced around my room for 7 songs (30 min). Stretched for 2 songs. (7 min) and did some VERY light work with the weights. My meditations are done, and on Tuesday mornings I have a spiritual class I attend via teleconference so I will be subbing that for my chapter today as the lecture is an excess of an hour with a discussion.

The interesting thing about counting what I do instead of like saying not eating sweets or junk food or cutting down caffeine is really interesting. There is this bag of chips on top of my refrigerator. Now, I am able to eat a bag of chips on this "plan" thing I'm doing, but each time I looked at it I actually said in my head, but if I'm hungry I can eat that banana over there and have another shot at getting in all my fruits and vegetables today. The same thing came up at dinner. It was asked what I would like, and I thought, "Hey if I can get a vegetable dish as the main course I could totally get all my fruits and vegetables in today." And I did. No sacrificing. No temptation. Just a switch in focus. I could go and eat that bag of chips right now, but I'm actually too tired from working out. :)

Since no one is reading this, I am feeling like I may take a before photo. Sometimes I wonder how much this is going to work and then I remember, it's always exactly enough. You are enough always.

Gratitude List
1) water
2) bananas
3) iTunes
4) Skype (cheap long distance)
5) the modern wonders of teleconferencing
6) google
7) chop suey
8) Adam Waters
9) Suzette
10) Robb

Day 2 Feeling very silly and but I'll keep on stepping

I'm feeling very vulnerable and silly right about now. There are several things that I am actually very proud about, but I feel silly writing about it. I started this thing yesterday at 8pm. I'm proud of myself, because I could have waited another day, you know, to "start it right." But I did not. There is no right. I read somewhere that the only thing you have in the world is this moment, yourself, and a choice. There is a flaw in that theory, but there is also a lot of truth. I'm grateful that I did choose to just start. This is about not being perfect and just doing what I can as I can. There is so much to write about it every bit of it and yet none of it seems relevant. It's hard to describe what I'm doing. I may not even know. But yesterday, I managed to eat four servings of fruits and vegetables, dance around my room for a half hour, did five minutes of stretching, and drank four glasses of water. Plus, I read a chapter from one of my spiritual books despite not being in any mood to do so. Oh and I did my meditations and journaling on both days, too.

Today, which is not over, I've eaten five servings of fruits and vegetables, drank three glasses of water, danced for forty minutes and done five minutes worth of stretching. I'll add some weight stuff tomorrow. Very light stuff.

Here's the deal. I've never been very active, but always had the good fortune to take my good health for granted. I was in a car accident a few years ago and suffered some nerve damage on my left side and spinal injuries. It types a lot more drastic than it sounds, but it really screwed with my head. There were some very scary days when I couldn't move and walk. This is not about those days. It is about how those days affect me now. I've been grateful to be able to walk and sit up without pain. There are entire days when I don't even hurt and even forget that it ever happened. (except when I get into a car, of course, but that's a whole other story). Quite simply, exercise hurts sometimes. I learned in physical therapy, which pains aren't serious and other pains that are damaging. One really good physical therapist explained to me in a way I could understand. She told me that I don't do the exercises to decrease the pain, I do it to increase my functioning. Then as a side effect of increased functioning, I will hurt less. But now that there are days that I don't hurt, I like it. And some days, I'm a little afraid to hurt again. Like I just don't want to. But I cannot afford to go for temporary comfort and miss out on the bigger picture, you know?

Anyway, at the time of the accident I was surprised to realize that I did not have a great deal of advanced coping skills for pain. My thinking was to just pretend like it didn't hurt. I wound up getting re-injured during my many months of physical therapy. I learned a lot about the way I deal with emotional pain as well. My plan has always been, everything is fine, keep on moving. When that didn't work, I was wrought with fear and babied my injuries to the detriment of my improvement as well. But, I've learned a lot about me. And I've been opening doors to a lot of buried grief, sadness, and even anger. It has been an amazing, frightening, and enlightening experience. I did not realize that holding in all of those feelings also kept me from experiencing joy, happiness, and love. There were days when great things would happen, and I would think to myself, "Why am I not happy? Why don't I feel anything?" And yet, since my recovery from my accident and other things, I have felt an amazing amount of joy from just walking down the street or saying hello to somebody or buying a soda at the 7-11. It's so strange.

I think of it as a well of feelings that I've never felt just opening up. It has been an amazing experience. I am grateful for it. Some days, like today, are very emotional. But, I don't think all this coming out is a bad thing. It couldn't come out if it wasn't in there, and I've found that the most difficult thing about pain, be it emotional or physical, is the fear that I will be overwhelmed and consumed by it and never come back. But I'm no longer as afraid as I once was, and am very grateful to have this time to be able to realize that there is enough time to take care of myself. And that I don't have to be better to be worthy or be happy. I just am and there is no need to judge it. And yet, if I believed and was able to realize all that was true, I highly doubt that I would feel so embarrassed and silly about this blog. But I keep on going, because this is what's next. A person I hold in high regard described the spiritual journey to be something like walking up a staircase in the dark. You just keep on stepping up, never knowing which one is the last step. So here I am typing to no one or maybe just me or just you--stepping in the dark.

Today's Gratitude List (Goal To do 10 or more daily and try not to repeat)
I am grateful for:
1) This time to work on myself
2) Internet connection
3) iChat
4) My friend Brett
5) diet coke
6) Tears
7) My Mom
8) blogger.com
9) SiteSell
10) My Sister
11) My brother
12) Memories of my Dad

Okay it's July 1st, here in the Philippines, and I'm doing a gratitude experiment. Being grateful in my life has really helped me find new coping mechanisms to life's challenges and deal with a lot of grief and old bottled feelings from the past. I'm in the Philippines taking a break from Los Angeles and stresses of being an artist and attempting to adapt to working in corporate life. I've started my own business and have been focusing on my spiritual program for the last three months. I now am feeling ready to try and tackle, with the help of a power greater than myself, an attitude of gratitude in the arena of self-care as it appears in my physical body. This journal is going to document that progress. I'm experimenting with posting photos to see if I can take some before and after pics. I've been inspired by a guy named Adam Waters who's program is very inspiring and INTENSE. I am not so intense for a number of reasons. But if you really want to see somebody go all out and really GO FOR IT, (because my way will be significantly more me and hence a hell of a lot let disciplined) you REALLY HAVE TO CHECK HIM OUT. Plus his page has got tons of photos and stuff. He's super cute, too. I'll outline my plan, which involves keeping track of my meditation attempts, spiritual reading (haha a fitness plan with a reading list) incredibly light weight training, stretching, cardio in the form of how many songs can I dance around in my room too (yeah that's right), and my diet plan. (My goal is to eat six servings of fruits and vegetables a day and 8 glasses of water.)

Here is the rule. I get to be down, I get to be happy, but I get to be grateful for any ounce of progress (and here's the kicker) refrain from beating myself up at all costs. I've been learning to appreciate and be grateful for all of my little quirks and peculiarities and even my flaws, and so, I'm going to keep pushing on regardless of outside numbers or momentary setbacks and really taking to heart a phrase that has allowed me to turn my life around, "progress not perfection." If you're reading this. I thank you. Let's see how much it works.