I'm in a real transition period in my life. I'm questioning everything. This is a major healing time for me in more ways than one. I'm excited about going back to the States and doing standup and writing more. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was afraid. I've really been figuring out what I like, need, want and desire and it's really hard to stay the course and not sell myself out. I get caught up with possibilities and opportunities that present themselves without really asking myself, "Is this what I want?" It's even the same with relationships. I'll be cruising through my life and somebody will take an interest. I take a second to see if I want to get to know them, but get swept away in the idea of a new relationship and having to make it work without really thinking, "Do I want this?" It's just everybody (and by everybody I've learned that I'm probably really talking about me) seems so happy to see that I'm settled down with somebody. That there is something secure, but then things start to go a little wonky before I really have decided if this is something I want. And before you know it, I'm putting all my energy into "making something work" instead of even thinking about whether or not my life is enriched by this relationship. When I finally get around to answering the question for myself, it has often been, no. I have only recently realized that I can consider many of my romantic relationships have turned out a tremendous success in that I DID NOT get married. That thought is complete sacrilege in some of my social circles, but it's true for me.It's the same thing with my standup. I love standup, but before you know it there's all this other stuff that only a few people get a chance to do and it looks like maybe, I'll have a shot, but first I have to see if they'll have me and then before I know it, I'm chasing some dream that may not even be my dream.
It's just I used to get so mad at people who turned down incredible opportunities as being just prima donna snobs. But I've found that what it means for me to be mad at people is usually me being mad that they had the gall to do what I am to afraid of doing. They say so many artists are self-sabotaging, but I'm starting to think that's that it's more self-saving. When Dave Chappelle walked away from his Comedy Central deal, I was so impressed. What an act of self care. To choose your happiness and well being over so much money and a dream that other people would kill for. So much pressure to take the money and do what everyone else expected.
I find it no coincidence that my re-injury happened just after my ticket was set to go back to Los Angeles. There is such a mind body connection. I know the injury is real and so is the pain, but I believe it's an outward manifestation of an inner conflict and it's also quite a bit of good luck and Grace at work.
7 comments:
Alright. This is a deep post with alot of different issues in it. Regarding relationships...they don't define a person, so make sure you want a relationship before going and putting alot of energy into making one work because that won't happen if you really don't want the relationship. The rest of it sounds like normal life fears. Don't over analyze things. Enjoy things as they happen. Don't continually try to figure out the reason behind things.
With that said, you're looking pretty hot these days :-) You have made some amazing progress in the face of adversity. For that you should be extremely proud of yourself. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
Christy, you are one fantastic writer! Truly you have a gift in being able to write how you're feeling.
Stand up comedy? How fun is that? Never lose sight of your dreams.
Debbie
Sounds like you are going through a lot of soul searching. This is a good thing - change is exciting, it's creative, it's life!
Your humor shines in your blog and posts - I'm sure you are an amazingly gifted and natural stand-up comedian. Go for it if that's your true heart's desire! What do you have to lose? ;)
Yes, I have been to the Irvine Improv. I work very close to there.
Wow, great post Christy. It's amazing how much you get across in your writing and how much it makes the rest of us think.
You say a lot about really trying to figure out what you want out of life. It seems to be one of the hardest things, setting your own personal goals without letting the outside world affect our decisions.
We spend a lot of time growing, and learning to become a functional member of society. We have so many of these social graces ingrained in our heads that make it nearly impossible to do something simply for ourselves without feeling guilty of being selfish.
So yes, you hit it right on the head when you say we should admire those that are able to make the hard decisions, the ones that may not make the rest of the world happy, but the decisions that truly are what we want for ourselves. Take care of yourself, and you may find support from others, but don't sacrifice your own personal goals for the sake of those that are there for your support. If they are true supporters, than whatever decisions you make for yourself will be respected.
YOur post are always so thought provoking. Raiden had a good response. YOu articulate so well. I have many thoughts but don't know how to put them down into words that make sense.
When we get into a comfort zone it is hard to break free of that comfort. But I know in order to grow you have to get out of your comfort zone. this makes me think of the quote, "do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten." Growing is a painful process but can be exciting at the same time.
as far as relationships go, I think you just need to have fun. try not to go into a relationship thinking too much. just let things happen in the moment. be freinds. have fun! get to know each other. if something doesn't feel right let him know. if it's right i don't think you will have to "make things work", it will just happen.
Christy, thank you so much for your comments on my weblog - they really help me to keep going.
I enjoyed this post. I'm in the middle of working on changing viewpoints of my own, so I kind of see where you are coming from. It's hard to look at your thoughts and see if they're for you or for someone else...
I have a lot of years of self esteem issues I'm working to overcome, and I have a really, really long way to go - but I'm working on it day by day.
Anyways, I just wanted to send kudos for a great post and for leaving me comments =)
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