Happy New Year's Fellow Shredders!

It's New Year's Eve here in the Philippines. The States still has a day left. I'll do an official happy to y'all soon. To quote Bec, "busy. busy. busy."

I'll be 36 years old in 10 days. Weird.

Homeward bound?

I've only mentioned it to my sister and here. My walking is getting really stable, and I think I may be able to get on a plane by the end of February. In anticipation of being able to go home, I'm expanding my online business. It'll be a real stretch to get the bulk of my new website up and turning a profit in just two months, but if I have any hope of meeting everybody in March that's what it's going to take. Plus, I just cannot get my head around going into another job.

My blogs will be shorter. The bulk of the work on my site is writing content so that's where my juices are going.

The food and water are still going strong. I had 1.5 points to spare yesterday, and still have that one flex point left. At the end of today, the points reset. Whoopee!

Hey Shredder Council members, can you believe the original Phase II or Mission I was slated to end on January 8th? Time just flies.

Exhausted!

Wow! With all these accountability scores flying around, the mood must have rubbed off on me. I got in my full seven glasses of water, seven servings of vegetables, withing my WW points, and did a bang up job in physical therapy. I just joined Tea's push-up challenge. Much physical therapy will have to happen before I can even train outside the pool, but if I can even do one, because of the challenge that will be one more than I would have been able to do otherwise. I'll set a target of 3 or more push-ups for teh fun of it, but the goal remains the same as always, enjoy good health.

Positive Procrastination!

Santa brought Doritos for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We never have chips in the house, and I ate some. I also had two cookies and 1/2 a slice of banana bread. Oddly, we also had baked potatoes, which I LOVE, and I couldn't eat more than half of one. Here's the really interesting thing.

Although I had a craving for more junk food the next day, I really have not been hungry so it hasn't been hard to not eat more junk. Normally just opening the chip floodgate would mean I would just lose it. Not the case. Even though I thought to myself, I must have totally "gone off" my food plan" I put in all the food I ate into my Weight Watchers. Guess what? I'm still ON.

Yup, I have an entire ONE flex point left of my 35 so I can just eat my allotted 22 points a day and still be "on plan". Not that I would be all upset for being off. I just get back on. I'm not in a hurry. I've got too many huge life changes and stressy-feelings going on in my life to freak myself out more. I just don't have it in me. Here's the other weird thing.

I was unable to eat all of my 22 allotted points two days running. I no longer force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. I feel like I'm getting in touch with my real appetite. Diets and telling myself I HAVE to eat certain things make me crazy, but I dig the moderate bargaining that the WW system allows me. It's kind of like training wheels to this previously foreign concept of "moderation." I'm kind of psyched about this discovery.

There's something about telling myself I can never eat something or I can only have it one time that gets my mind to clicking. I like saying I can have it any time, because it sort of puts my readily available resources of PROCRASTINATION at work in a POSITIVE WAY. There's a bag of Ruffles in the cabinet with dip right now. When I think about it, I want to eat it. But I'm really not hungry. So I tell myself, "You can always eat it tomorrow." Sometimes tomorrow doesn't come for months. (This is only the second time in six months I've eaten chips of any kind.) I always thought my food cravings could only be fought by discipline, but the real hero is my procrastination. And it's such a powerful weapon!

Water Wednesday brings in More Shredder Success

It's water Wednesday, and time to celebrate more water-ific milestones.

Mike, aka the Fat Burning Machine, has taken up the challenge and easily soared to over 200 glasses!


Check out Michael's incredible water-drinking progress, his chin-up challenge, Christmas surprise, workout podcast and more!

Here are some amazing water facts from this watercure website.

• Water prevents and helps to cure heartburn.
• Water prevents and helps to cure arthritis.
• Water prevents and helps to cure back pain.
• Water prevents and helps to cure migraines.
• Water prevents and helps to cure high blood pressure.
• Water prevents and helps to cure early adult-onset diabetes.
• Water lowers blood cholesterol.

Remember you can take on the challenge at any time or at the very least know with each glass that you drink you're improving your health. Bottoms up!

Thank you to fellow shredder Mike Groom! for turning me onto this cool site! If you have any water tips or cool water facts or joke for water Wednesday. Drop a note in my comments and I'll link to your blog and post 'em.

It's Christmas in the Philippines Right Now

Merry Christmas Shredders!

We used to listen to Dickens' A Christmas Carol and Pickwick Papers read by Charles Laughton every Christmas. I didn't understand it as much when I was really little and preferred Charlie Brown (and Emmett Otter Jug Band Christmas). But as I got older I really dug it. Listening to Pickwick Papers became one of my favorite parts of Christmas. Here's a little taste:

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home! ~Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836

Day 59: Extra! Extra! Shredder Success

Congratulations to Raiden and Tearose!

Check out Raiden's Commemorative Photo* celebrating over 100 Days of Blogging and his re-claimed fitness. What did he buy? And what very special event is it gonna be used for? Read all about it:

Click here to see Raiden's Commemorative Photo!

Tearose has well surpassed 100 glasses of water and is still going strong! How does she do it? By how many glasses has she already surpassed 100! Swing by her blog and say congrats and get the skinny!

Click here to check out Tea's Amazing Progress on our Water Challenge!

You can join in on the fun at anytime. It's can't just be about looking good or hitting a magic number of some kind. Why not put some energy into having your transformation be about having fun being healthy? Good health is its own reward, but you can buy yourself something to celebrate, too! You deserve a pat on the back!

*Celebrate your milestone by buying yourself something such as a pack of gum or a diamond tiara. Take a photo of you with it and write your caption such as This is ME with my commemorative malt liquor beverage purchased on this day (Insert Date) in celebration of having (Insert Your Incredible Achievement). It's just that easy to play along at home. Drop me a comment so I can link to you and brag about your success!

Day 58: Blog Hangover

Is it possible to have a blog hangover? Have I over-blogged. :) My mood has significantly lightened, and I think the water has made a difference in my photos, which were late like this blog. More later.

A tad embarrassed

I feel like I'm coming across as the psycho shredder, but I cannot live a lie. I won't pretend like I've got it together when I don't. Some days, I feel like I have it together. These days, not so much. But I'm glad to be on this mission with you all. I am inspired by your lives and successes. Oddly, or not so oddly, I had a great physical therapy session (which I gave myself permission to cancel and then didn't) and back to another day of clean eating today.

Particular thanks to Lilla, Mike Groom, Tearose, Jenny, and Michael for their kind and thoughtful comments on my possibly-too-personal post yesterday. I'm still feeling kind of self-conscious about it, but I did get off my butt and respond to your comments as best I could. If they don't make a lot of sense when you read them, the short of it is, THANK YOU.

Now you'll excuse me, I have to drink like 15 glasses of water to stay on top of my water challenge. lol

Day 56: Weirded Out

My injury recovery is going really well. I can walk more and faster. I don't limp as much. I can foresee my return to the States. Now, the stress sets in. Adam says the Truth will set you free. Well here's a piece of my truth. I left Los Angeles, because of mental health issues, which is why I am so careful about my stress levels.

One day I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, and this weird sensation or lack thereof. I couldn't feel my face. It was really weird. Long story longer, my doctor said I was suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I thought, "Oh as long as it's nothing serious," and went back to work. The end result being more severe and scary attacks, and my employer actually suggesting I take some time off. I was put on disability by doctor the next day. Since I'd promised my Mom I would visit, and my disability checks were not the same as my salary, I packed my bags and came here "to visit." I was scheduled to return, but my injury has kept me here.

I just stopped all contact with my employer and let that job go, because it kind of got ugly and very unhealthy. The entire thing was very dramatic and embarrassing and bruising to my Ego. I just couldn't hack it. I totally failed. I couldn't believe it. I was always the "good kid" the "smart girl." What went wrong?

I had gone back to the day job as an attempt to straighten up and fly right and just stop being a comedian and a writer. The artist life was too uncertain and stressful, and I felt like I had to "grow up" and knock all this crap off. But I couldn't do it. I mean, I just couldn't. I failed miserably at "doing the right thing."

I guess it just came time to stop trying to be what I'm not. So I'm here, and I started a little online business since I have an internet connection, and I enjoy writing. It's profitable, but not yet enough to fully sustain me. I am getting better with walking and standing, but not to the extent that I would feel confident sitting up at a desk. (I write all these post lying down in bed). And the truth is even in better physical health, I couldn't hack it. When times got tough for me as a comedian, I tried to go the other way, but it's obvious now that that's not where I'm supposed to be.

It's just sometimes, it's scary. I'll have to go back, find a place to live, get my finances figured out, car insurance, renew my tags and getting health insurance, doing my taxes, making the rounds as a comic, making calls, etc. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I can feel that heavy feeling in my chest. My hands are shaky. It just feels like so much happens in such a short period of time. As you get older and your life gets bigger, there are deaths of friends and loved ones, car accidents, break-ups, moves, crime, hurricanes. It feel like a fantasy to just live six months without something horrible happening. And I know that it's not true, and I know from my former therapist sessions that some of my experiences have been stressful and rapid succession, so I've finally given myself permission to be okay with the amount of time it takes to heal. But I know there's a part of me that's not completely okay with it. My Ego wants me to "handle it well." Whatever it is. Just stoicly mourn death, pain, heartache, but HELLO I've only been able to fake being that kind of person. It's never been true. I've just covered up the pain with food and other very unhealthy behaviors that I no longer take part in. So I type here in this blog today to cope. And I had a McDonald's cheeseburger and small fry. In the past, I wouldn't have stopped there. I would have also had a DOUBLE cheeseburger and a LARGE fry and an apple pie or sundae. So there's progress. But, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like it or that I wouldn't eat three more burgers right now if they were within reach. Cuz I would. I don't even feel guilty. Really I don't. I'm more afraid of what people will write in my comments about my cheeseburger and fries that I am about going on some kind of binge. Because I know what to do when I feel those urges. I write about it.

That's why I wrote this post--to cope and cut calories. I always type this incredibly personal stuff in my blog and tell myself that I'll just hit the "save now" button instead of "publish post." Then I get too lazy to write the real post and hit publish. I tell myself I'll take it down. But I don't. But I still could. You ever do that?

Water Wednesday!

Many of my fellow shredders have this water consumption thing down pat, and I've gotten some damn fine advice.

The whole point of my challenge is to sort of have fun with the concept of drinking more water, which for reasons I cannot put my finger on just always seemed like a drag.

Coffee and diet coke just seem so much like treats. But much like going on dates with really hot guys that are in reality kind of boring, diet coke and coffee are best done in moderation and could possibly be eliminated all together. (If you're a hot, single, not boring guy, please do not be offended and leave me a comment with your phone number lol)

Water is the "nice guy" of beverages. And as I get older, nice guys are starting to get a little sexier. So let's see if some of these awesome tips can make water drinking sexy, too.

Every Wednesday I'll be posting water drinking tips from my fellow shredders and maybe a factoid or joke or two. Here we go:

Massimiliano said...

Water is good, water is great, water is the BEST ...
1 glass after waking up
1 glass with breakfast
1 glass mid morning
1 glass at lunch
1 glass mid afternoon
1 glass at dinner
1 glass before bed
There you go, 7 glasses of water!

Personally I drink 4 liters a day and sometimes I do what I call the "TSUNAMI"! It consist by drinking 1,5L. in less than one hour (I do 2L.)
The huge amount of water will clean up your system taking a lot of debris with it.
Be aware do not attempt this with cold water or if you have bladder or kidneys problems. Also if you cannot be near a toilet for the next hour, I do not consider it a smart idea...o before going to the movies or church...!!! Salute,Cin Cin, Campaaii, Cheers,Prosit, Gezondheid!

Tearose, (who is already on 82 glasses of water) says:

How I get All My Water In

When I wake up I drink 2 cups, then I go to the gym and I have a water bottle that holds 3 cups of water, I drink that during my workout.
then with each of my 6 meals I have 2 cups of water = 17 glasses, sometimes I get behind, I just guzzle water whenever I can to make up for it. At first it was hard but over time you will find it gets easier. :)

Cheesy Water Joke

I read a person can drown in under a foot of water, which makes me really nervous because I'm a heavy drooler.

badump bump

Got any water tips? Factoids? Jokes? Let me know or post them on your blog so I can link to it. Bottom's up!

Day 54: A little conceited? Hehe

I went to physical therapy today, and I was showering after the steam before going to do my exercise in the pool. I caught myself looking at me in the mirror and smiling. I checked out my butt and everything. I'm so glad nobody saw me, but now here I am busting myself on my blog.

But it's not such a bad thing to look in the mirror and like what I see. It's kind of thrilling, because even when I was twenty pounds lighter than where I am now, I couldn't look at myself and like what I saw. Sometimes I get worried that being happy where I am means that I won't change for the better.

But then I firmly believe that it is Man's nature to be great. It is human conditioning that makes me think that only pain can motivate change. I guess it's because that's the only thing that ever worked in the past for me. I just had to hurt so bad and have no other options. But all my pain brought me in touch with something bigger than me.

Call it God, the Universe, the Force what have you. But it's that connection that has made everything possible and the pain was just the illusion of my will that caused me to suffer. If I could have relaxed into the calm knowing, the faith that change is inevitable, I could get out of my own way and let it happen instead of trying to "make it happen." William Blake wrote, "The fox provides for himself, but God provides for the lion." I have been living the life of a fox, but to paraphrase Jules in Pulp Fiction and mix my references, I'm trying hard to be the lion.

Day 53: Trouble Sleeping

I keep grinding my teeth and my muscles are tight. I've totally kicked that horrible lyrica stuff and am taking zero medications for everything. I was totally zonked all last week. This week I'm just really having trouble falling asleep. I have to be in physical therapy in seven hours. Must rest.

Day 52: Photo re-run

This is Mission 2 the group shred photos, we're on now. I was posting this and since I posted my backstory yesterday, I thought I'd post my "Mission One" before photo from April of this year. This before photo is one of my favorite photos of me to look at even though I weighed about 185lbs. The most I've ever weighed in my life.

I never knew if I would really ever have the guts to show this picture to anyone, but this is the second time I've posted it. It turned into such a personal moment. Not the actual taking of the picture, but looking at myself just after I took it. I saw me. I saw ME. I love this photo, because I'm smiling and happy and overweight, too. For one split second, alone in my room, I snapped a picture of me in a swimsuit, and I did not hate me. I look at that picture and despite what everyone may think, I thought, I'm okay where I am. I wrote in my journal and wept and was happy with the me I saw in this photo. And for that second, I did not NEED to change, and I had all the time in the world. I knew that I would succeed this time, not because I would hit a target weight at one time or another, not because I was more committed or determined than ever before, none of it. I knew I would succeed, because on this day, I felt the Truth. That I was successful already. You are naturally great, right now, as you are. You are enough--always.

Day 51: Backstory

For those who may have just tuned into my blog, if you look really closely on my Day One photos you'll see that I had a walker. I'm recovering from a re-injury from a car accident three years ago. I'm writing from the Philippines, where I came after leaving my day job in Los Angeles and rethinking my career in "show business." Once a million years ago, I was an up-and-coming comedian/writer that never quite came up. The car accident did not help my show biz career, but it has definitely upped my interest in health and put me on a quest, to paraphrase some good friends of mine, to get in contact with something a little bigger than myself.

Since I started this blog and came to the Philippines, I've lost 31 lbs, a walker, and started my own little web business that is doing rather well. This is all with the incredible support of family, friends, Adam and my fellow "shredders."

I'd say this is a comeback story, but that implies that I was somewhere and then I went somewhere else and came back. I'm starting to think of it more like a "still here" story. But when I get back to Los Angeles and a little better with the "stand" part in being a stand-up comedian, I guess it'll be a comeback. Insert Rocky music here.

Day 50: Don't forget to "Digg" Adam

Howdy shredders! Glad to read all your exciting news and feel the shred in the air. The water drinking is going well, and my injury recovery is moving along nicely, too. I'm able to walk in the pool and even on land without much of a limp. BIG steps next week. We're going to try the treadmill (setting 0 for under 5 minutes), but it's a start.

Thanks to everybody for visiting my blog. Shout out to Lynda and Tea for taking up the Water Challenge. No official anything is necessary if anybody wants to play along at home. Just drop me a comment when you hit 100 glasses of water (and if you like update me when it strikes you) and I will show the practically dozens of people who read my blog what an amazing person you are. But seriously, it's all in good fun and for good health.

Plus if anybody wants to celebrate ANY milestone in their own personal health journey by using the Christy Commemorative Photo Method* drop me a comment and I'll send you an Email for the photo and post it. Please keep nudity to a minimum. :)

Don't forget to DIGG Adam. Hurry before time runs out.

*Celebrate your milestone by buying yourself something such as a pack of gum or a diamond tiara. Take a photo of you with it and write your caption such as This is ME with my commemorative malt liquor beverage purchased on this day (Insert Date) in celebration of having (Insert Your Incredible Achievement). It's just that easy to play along at home.

Day 49: Just One Thing for 100 Days

My best friend Sylvia and I can talk for hours. We used to dream of starting our own company called the Feinphy-Murphman Corporation (the most ridiculous combo of our last names) aka Corporation of Crazy Schemes. We renamed our idiosyncrasies and neuroses "the nature of our genius" and created our own sayings such as "brown crayoning" things and "that's just frosting on the poop cake." We would create "plans" and call each other every day. When life got particularly overwhelming, we created an accountability structure we called: Just One Thing. Simply, we would commit to doing just one thing each day and let the other know.

My next 100 days are inspired by my best friend, S, and our Just One Thing Plan. But this time, it's got a twist. My ONE THING will be the same for the entire 100 Days.

What One Thing Could I Do Every Day that Would Benefit My Health the Most with the Least Effort and Stress to Me?

Drinking water.

When I drink more water, I drink less coffee, I eat less food, I feel better. But here's the deal I JUST DON'T DO IT. Seriously, I'll go like DAYS. Slamming diet coke after diet coke (I know it's bad for me)and coffee after coffee. If I focus on trying to cut down on coffee, it takes more mental energy than I can muster. (I am so IMPRESSED by Debbie's amazing progress in this regard!) But I've found from earlier in my plan, focusing on what I CAN do sort of magically makes the other stuff fall away.

SO ...

Over the next 100 days, I will drink 700 glasses of water.

The rules: This is measured in degrees of success and by no means a pass-fail endeavor. A glass is roughly 8 ounces, but I'm not gonna get all psycho about it. Flavored water COUNTS, but I'll try to drink mostly just regular water.

If anybody knows where I can get like a cool tally tool or something for this blog so I can keep a running total at the top that would rock.

I will celebrate each 100 glass milestone, by announcing it in my blog and bragging and buying myself something and taking a photo of me and that something and posting it (ie commemorative pack of gum in honor of Glass 300 reached on this day, etc). If you would like to give my water challenge a go, feel free to start a counting and brag about how far along you are in my comments. At every 100 glasses I will brag about you in my blog if that is any kind of incentive. And by you, I mean like the seven fellow shredders who read this and mythical lurkers in the future. There's no deadline to join. You can start whenever. If you buy yourself something to celebrate a milestone and snap a photo, you can also send me a pic, and I will post your commemorative milestone photo, too.

I'm using West Coast time for my blog, because that's how my computer is configured and I'll be back in LA (hopefully) by the time the 100 days is up.

It's seven hours into my "Water Challenge," and I have drunk three glasses of water already. Woo-hoo. Only 697 glasses to go!

Day 47: Questioning effortlessly

You gotta work hard. But do I really? Somewhere I really overemphasized the value of effort. Do not get me wrong. I'm not saying hard work is a bad thing, but what if I flat out don't want to work hard? I've found that the stuff that I like to do and that seems to be of value to others is the stuff that I do naturally. Not necessarily without any effort, but it feels effortless. I don't know when or why I did it, but I devalued things that came to me easily and valued stuff that was hard to do. Sometimes the challenge is fun, but other times I'm just swimming against the tide for no reason other than working hard is supposed to be some kind of good thing. Another thing I've discovered I've done in the past, is to take something I do naturally that is fun, force it to match some other paradigm (you know, to make it better) and turned it into something that is no fun and suck the life right out of it.

Somehow I got it into my head that discipline was forcing myself to do things I did not want to do, but would somehow benefit from. In my mind, (and in some definitions of the word) discipline has a bit of a self-sacrificy-punishment-like connotation. But now, I think that true discipline is finding the courage to NOT do things I do not enjoy. You know to be true to myself like Shakespeare wrote. Sometimes I do need a kick in the butt stay true to myself. Like sometimes, I don't want to do a show to work out new material and since it's a not a "real booking" I might feel inclined to just stay home. Some nights, discipline would mean to get out there and just do it. I always know that I did the right thing, because when I get to the show that effortless feeling kicks in. So sometimes I must make an effort to get to what's effortless, but maybe even that switchover will eventually be effortless as I learn to listen to myself more, which is also coming with less and less effort. Hmmm. There is a fine line between a disciplined consistency that leads to enriched life, and the "foolish consistency" that Emerson wrote about.

There is something really elegant about effortless effort. When I see it in athletes, musicians, and artists, there is this an experience that is created that to me is where Man touches the Divine. There is the assumption that if you're not moving forward you're moving backward. But is that really true? Who is to say what is forward and where is back. What about Destiny? What if Free will is just be an invention of the Ego and does not truly exist? But these questions are for other posts in the future or just for my own enjoyment.

This is where people say, I think too much. There are times when analyzing is a bad idea (Suzette mentioned a great time like in relationships, where it is a good idea to just take it moment by moment). And I believe there will come a day when I when my questioning will stop, but that day is not today. To be honest, when a discussion comes up, and I start to really open and up and share my thoughts and somebody says, something like I think too much or what's the point you'll never be able to find an answer, I finding that kind of comment at best glib and many times even condescending and dismissive. Who the hell is someone else to randomly decide what is too much thought for me to have? People seem to be under the impression that this is a helpful response like somehow my thoughts are the source of what they perceive to be my problems or like these thoughts are tortuous to me. Much like Adam describes falling asleep dreaming of his workout or my friend stays up until four in the morning painting, these thoughts thrill me and keep me awake at night. But then even Adam cited some naysayers regarding his pursuits.

When I was a really little kid, there was a Little Miss Boca Gate Beauty Pageant that my friend Jenny Clayton was signing up for. I decided to sign up with her. The lady asked me if I had any hobbies. I was really little so I asked her what a hobby was. She said it was something you did for fun. I actually answered, "thinking." She asked me to clarify and I explained that I would sit on the steps of our porch or on top of the monkey bars in the schoolyard and just think of stuff. She gave me this look that I can almost remember. I could feel that the answer was "wrong" and that I thinking may not be considered an acceptable hobby. And then I added. "I also like rollerskating." You know what the lady said? "Does your Mommy know you're here?"

Day 45: State of Flux

I'm in a real transition period in my life. I'm questioning everything. This is a major healing time for me in more ways than one. I'm excited about going back to the States and doing standup and writing more. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was afraid. I've really been figuring out what I like, need, want and desire and it's really hard to stay the course and not sell myself out. I get caught up with possibilities and opportunities that present themselves without really asking myself, "Is this what I want?" It's even the same with relationships. I'll be cruising through my life and somebody will take an interest. I take a second to see if I want to get to know them, but get swept away in the idea of a new relationship and having to make it work without really thinking, "Do I want this?" It's just everybody (and by everybody I've learned that I'm probably really talking about me) seems so happy to see that I'm settled down with somebody. That there is something secure, but then things start to go a little wonky before I really have decided if this is something I want. And before you know it, I'm putting all my energy into "making something work" instead of even thinking about whether or not my life is enriched by this relationship. When I finally get around to answering the question for myself, it has often been, no. I have only recently realized that I can consider many of my romantic relationships have turned out a tremendous success in that I DID NOT get married. That thought is complete sacrilege in some of my social circles, but it's true for me.

It's the same thing with my standup. I love standup, but before you know it there's all this other stuff that only a few people get a chance to do and it looks like maybe, I'll have a shot, but first I have to see if they'll have me and then before I know it, I'm chasing some dream that may not even be my dream.

It's just I used to get so mad at people who turned down incredible opportunities as being just prima donna snobs. But I've found that what it means for me to be mad at people is usually me being mad that they had the gall to do what I am to afraid of doing. They say so many artists are self-sabotaging, but I'm starting to think that's that it's more self-saving. When Dave Chappelle walked away from his Comedy Central deal, I was so impressed. What an act of self care. To choose your happiness and well being over so much money and a dream that other people would kill for. So much pressure to take the money and do what everyone else expected.

I find it no coincidence that my re-injury happened just after my ticket was set to go back to Los Angeles. There is such a mind body connection. I know the injury is real and so is the pain, but I believe it's an outward manifestation of an inner conflict and it's also quite a bit of good luck and Grace at work.

Day 43: Water and Rest

I cannot believe what a major component to health these two things are. It's amazing how little I used to give myself of either. There is much room for improvement on the water drinking front. However, I am enjoying a steam bath 3x a week in one of those little steam thingies where you're head sticks out. I think my left bun got a little burned from the heater thing below the chair, but besides that it is working wonders for helping me detox and being in the pool is like a mini-miracle, too. I am already walking faster. If only my mood would improve. I just re-read something I wrote in a comment, and I just could not believe that I'd typed it. I'd say I'm not myself these days, but I think that everything that comes out had be in there somewhere. I may have not known it was there, but it's not any medication that put it there it just sort of screwed off the cap. I have a lot of anger, depression and anxiety stored up apparently. I was getting a lot of that out with studying stick fighting and dancing in my room, but that didn't work out so I guess it's therapeutic typing.

Please, do not think that anything that comes across as cranky or even mean in my blogs and comments is really directed at my friends or people in my life. I know that the Truth is everything I say that is negative is really just something that I am trying to tell myself, but I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet. I've found out that most of the stuff, if not all of the stuff, that I'm upset with the world for (ie Not understanding about being injured) is really just a part of me that is mad at another part of me for not just sucking it up and going home and stop being a freakin' nut or at least stop typing to the Internet how much of a nut I am. But I cannot silence myself for the sake of myself anymore. LOL

Hmm. I've regained a lot of my typing speed, but not necessarily my thinking speed.

PS I think it might have been Adam's birthday yesterday. Either that or I am contributing to the Internet's growing inaccuracy. Say Happy Birthday to him. :)

Day 42: Pool

I went to the pool, again, to practice walking and a few exercises today. It's so strange. Immediately afterward I feel like a million bucks, but I find I am actually getting sore by the evening and day after. It's so odd to be sore from walking in a pool, but I'm glad to be able to do that much. My mood is swinging a little dark and anxious. It is important for me to remember that it is merely a temporary side effect of the neuro-inhibitors (or rather sudden lack of neuro-inhibitors) and a bit of pain and stuff. Nothing huge or all-engulfing.

After the pool, the pedicab driver, our housegirl and I stopped off at the street vendor so I could buy a round of mango shakes. I saved my "points" for it. One of the great things about the Philippines is their small sizes. The vendor was just off the boulevard and the pedicab was facing the ocean. Even the beggars and street musicians grabbing at my clothes and arms were not as disconcerting as I normally find them. The smell of the water and the breeze and being outside felt ARGH I cannot believe that I am going to type the word GOOD and can't describe the smell of the water or the actual feeling of the breeze. AHHHHH! I hate not having words. I never realized how much a comfort it was to have them all the time until recently. I reach for them and now they hide. My head hurts and my eyes feel swollen.

Thumbs down makers of Lyrica. It took me almost a full minute to remember Lyrica and double that to remember Pfizer. That's so funny to me. Not ironic by any means, but funny in the way that people mean with they incorrectly use the word ironic. That kind of funny. If I had the word for it, well, I wouldn't be pissed and slightly bemused about it. Bemused? Now I'm just reaching. I am not at all bemused. lol

Day 40: Withdrawal

Wow! The reality of the withdrawal off my medication is really starting to hit me. I am so glad I did not stay on this stuff for longer. I've read about people being on it for years instead of a few months. Really grateful that I've done my homework and am able to recognize what the symptoms are. It seriously cuts down on the freaking out factor. I am still trying to get around to everybody's blogs. It is one of the goals of my mission to be supportive to my fellow shredders who have contributed to my health in such a big way. Thank you again.

Day 38: I type slow these days

I've tried to post, but it is has been too frustrating, because my shoulder goes numb and I can't think of words and I type SO SLOW. So I haven't been posting, but I sure have been EATING. Not really, really bad, but enough where I'm like, nah. No point to letting this get too off track. So, I'm blogging despite the lengthy amount of time it takes to actually write. Somehow my weight has been the same since Day 14. I can't see how it could be muscle, because I have lived a nearly veal-like existence for the entire time y'all (except Suzette and Adam) have "known me." Weird.

I am proud to say that today I am down to only 75 mg of my medication. Two weeks ago I was as high as 600. I sleep a lot, and it hurts a lot, too. That's just where that is, and I am okay with things not being completely healed, yet. It just takes some time, and I have time, and although my patience regarding the typing and not being able to organize my thoughts as quickly as I'd like is a bit fleeting at times, I've got a lot of Faith. I'm not suffering, or anything like that, it's just old fashioned, "Ouch. I'm gonna lie down until that stops." Sometimes I'll cry.

Crying is really healing for pain. But the idea that I'm crying makes people really uncomfortable. Pain hurts, the crying eases it. What exactly is the big deal? Why do people have to say stuff that sometimes feels really callous like, "But you're not really hurting," or "but I thought you were fine?" Like I go from needing a walker to get to the doctor straight to running a marathon or doing a jig on a trapeze or something? What the ?

Let me clarify the walker thing. I can walk without it. I cannot walk FAR or long or without a limp, but I can walk without a walker. That is a victory, but it's almost like when I had the walker, people were kinder or a least more sensitive to the fact that I was "on the mend."

Also, I don't know how to respond to people asking me if I'm better. At first, I kept saying, "Yes, I'm better." Because I am BETTER. I'm getting better all the time. The progress isn't linear from day to day across the board, but I AM HEALING. I am all kinds of better. No walker. No more crazy weird, dead, numb arm scares. I can put weight on my left leg now. Less medication. I'm not even hurting as severely or as often anymore. All great things. All BETTER. But apparently saying that I'm doing better means to people that "I'm healed."

I'm not healed. I cannot get on a plane or walk wherever I want when I want. I cannot go to the gym or do any kind of weight training. I cannot pick things up off the ground or bend at the knees or sit up at the computer when I want or eat at the dining room table or make my own coffee every morning. (But SOMETIME I CAN!) I practice walking in the pool. I practice stretches that I cannot do on land in the pool. That's just how it is for now. I'm just healing and sometimes hurting.

But I do feel really misunderstood sometimes. It's almost like because I didn't make a really huge fuss, the severity of my condition is lessened or in some instances completely negated. But it's weird, because I can also see where this injury has been a gift, and how wonderful it is to have the support of my family and such a great group of people like you guys.

I'm going to nap, and between today and tomorrow I'm commenting on every single shredder blog (maybe shorter comments though this took forever) and soak up the healing power of all your great energy.

THANKS GUYS. It's good to be back.