It's Day Nine! Holy Cow!

Note: This was posted before I saw Adam's video. My thoughts on Diet Mind Set vs. Habit Mindset are below. So this post is like a choose your own adventure.

If you would like to read about Christy's Day Nine with facts and figures go to Post A.

If you would like to read yet another long-winded, post chock full o' feelings regarding diet mindset vs. habit mindset, go to Post B.

Post A: OMG! Did anyone else have trouble uploading photos to blogger? I just kept trying for like a half hour. I just published this post without any text just to make sure my photos got up. I'm SO GLAD it finally worked.

What a day! Yesterday, in my little comic, I wrote that I made it "close" to the kitchen. Andrew, however, congratulated me for getting all the way to the kitchen.

So today, before I did ANYTHING else while my back and legs were still well-rested I made it all the way to the kitchen and back NO WALKER, NO BREAKS and NO HELP. So I can officially accept said congratulations now, Andrew. Thank you.

I have to take really, tiny, small steps, and I could feel my muscles just quivering. Afterward, Ouch. But I've been stretching and walking and doing my back exercise.

Plus, in order to pet my dog, I have to be able to bend down. Bending over is super dangerous, but my legs are SO WEAK, I can't bend down just yet.

So, I have been doing, like, one quarter squat (not even half) over a chair and the resting. Yes, ONE rep and then rest. It makes me laugh. Tomorrow two or more, baby.

Day 14 looms in the future. I am so tired of this walker and not being able to get my own meals and water (especially because I'm trying to drink 6-8 glasses a day). When I say ditch this walker and be able to make the coffee and pet my dog, I mean I want to ditch this walker completely. I am very grateful to my Mom for taking care of me, and this extra time we have together. And I want to walk really bad, too.

My eating is going right according to plan. For those who know weight watchers, I get 21 target daily points and 35 flex points a week that I can eat up any way I choose. Today, I still have 11.5 points LEFT, and for the week I have 30.5 points flex points left. My points reset on midnight Sunday. There have been some days when I didn't even eat all my points, but I always make sure to eat at least 18 so I'm not starving myself or whatnot.

Hey, this post has actual facts in it and not just my feelings. I guess Andrew and Mike and my fellow shredders are rubbing off on me.

Your encouragement mean so much. And I know that I have worked harder at this than I would have had I not done this mission. It's already DAY NINE.

You said it's good to be nervous, right Dougal?

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Post B: Diet Mindset vs. Habit Mindset

PS This is really long and may not at all be what Adam was talking about. You can still choose A or just read the cartoon.

Adam said he was interested in thoughts on this topic in any aspect of your life not just fitness. Wow, this topic is very relevant to so many very personal parts of my life. I'll just keep it as short as possible.

Every aspect of my life was in the diet mindset. I never took the time to set the groundwork to get into the habit mindset. I always wanted it NOW. I just had this drive (that I'd often been applauded for) to be different to be better to be more ASAP. I was an Over Achiever. Even as a kid, I'd live from report card to report card, pushing, striving, burning out, pushing more. I lived in constant anxiety, my stomach gurgling all the time, even when I was little.

I read so many Self-Help books and Diet Books. I mean dating back to like when I was in sixth grade and I started reading Dale Carnegie. I needed a quick fix. I needed CHANGE.

I couldn't just stay the same. I hated me and my life no matter what I accomplished, I felt like I can DO MORE. If I did more THEN I would be happy. I couldn't imagine it taking six months or three months or in financial aspects seven years. (Hallelujah that time has past!) It was like I was running a race and I so badly wanted to get to the finish line I just kept sprinting. I would fall down and hurt my ankle and still get up without having any regard for my wounds and run some more.

I'd set the milestones and hold in my pain until I hit the next marker and hit and fall with exhaustion. Then I'd yell at myself for not getting up. I hated myself more and more after I slid back to my old habits after each diet. Pretty soon, I couldn't even keep up my diets or life plans. Then I really hated myself. And I realized, all I ever was trying to do was escape PAIN.

I'd eat away my pain with ice cream and McDonald's. I'd stave off the pain with affirmations and goal setting. I'd deny that the person I was that hurting wounded person was "the real me" and went about trying to change me. But the truth is, that was the real me. And I love that person. I was doing the best I could, and if I really look at me with all my heart I feel a well of compassion.

So I hit a point where I could not run away from pain. I could not diet it away. I couldn't achieve it away with accomplishments, crazy romances, partying, nothing. It all stopped working. I was numb, empty and even physically unable to actually get to the party. (although I TRIED).

And that was my miracle. Like Dougal wrote, I hit my rock bottom. I ran until I cracked wide open and was forced into the willingness to stop and look around.

If you've ever read Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner, (like in English class it's old from 1797, which I had to look up) there's this part where he sees that even the water snakes are beautiful and that moment the albatross around his neck (BTW, that is where that phrase comes from) falls off.

That's when I could actually get into laying the foundation for different habits. The albatross of the dieting mindset was freed. I could feel gratitude and love for my water snakes, past and present, including the way I look, the way I eat, the way I think, the way I am. Not deny what was or is, but see it, feel the pain, and feel the relief and feel the joy and love and happiness that is now. And I succeed to the extent that I can each day and this is enough.

And now with that emptied there is new room for new habits. A "Habit Mindset" that for me is based in gratitude and love for what is and not based in some mythical future that I could diet think my way into perfection.

If you're a fan of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, remember how it's the old man telling his story to the person with a certain look in his eye. I think that is partly what this blog is about for me. Boy I'm hoping most people chose A.