Thank You Shredders

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Day 29 Bad Trip

Bad trip last night. I freaked out, because I lost partially lost the feeling in my arms from the new meds. I woke up, and it felt like they were just dead, meat, skin at the ends of my elbows.

Mom stayed up with until 4am to keep me from flippin' out. Then I spoke to my sister on the phone for two hours until it mostly wore off.

I can feel my muscles tightening and my jaw grinding like I just came back from the bathroom in the eighties. (drug reference). I can't feel my face all the way still. It's freakin' me out.

Anxiety is a side effect of my neuro-inhibitors. Really tough time sleeping. I woke up with those tingly sharp feelings in my arms, but it was such a relief to feel them. I hope my photos got in to Adam in time. They were seven minutes late. I kept doing stuff not right. It's like I'm drunk, but not buzzed. Just like I'm packed in cotton or moving in water.

I can't just stop the lyrica after taking it so long, but I don't care about the pain. I gotta cycle off this stuff. It's like I woke up in a Kafka novel, and I'm that dung beetle that can't flip over out of bed.

Thank you guys for your encouragement. I wouldn't have even tried to send in my photos if I had't read comment yours.

I just wated to post the pic in case they dindnt get on adam's in time to go up. and say thank you to you all for comments and taking the poll.

And say for the encouragement thank you to you guys.

Day 28: Still here, wishing you all well

Just a uncharacteristically quick hello. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving who was celebrating. I have many things to be thankful for--like you guys.

I'm hitting a tough time in my recovery. It's been coming on for the last two weeks, but its getting to the point where ... , honestly, I don't really have the spare energy to put it into words. Oh well. Progress is not always linear. Eating is still great, so I'll cling to that. Will be back and reporting good news as soon as I am more able.

Know that my thoughts and many, many well wishes are with you in case I cannot get to your blogs as much as I would like or have in the past. You all can have no idea how much you have helped and continue to help me.

Thank you.

Day 26: Adam made me pause to think of cause for celebration

I read a comment that Adam wrote in Joni's blog that got me to thinking. He wrote:

... It really helps to fall in love with the process because the journey never really ends, but the journey is so much more fun when you hit a big goal!

I had two thoughts.

1) "That's true!"

-and-

2) "Crap, I don't want to miss out on fun."

For instance, on a really silly note, what the hell are you guys gonna put in my comments on Jan. 8th that will be unique to the day regarding finishing our mission? You know for the fun of it. 'Glad you're enjoying your continued health or whatever esoteric feeling you've been trying to write in your really long blogs.' lol

But really. That's not as much fun as typing, "Hey congratulations, Andrew. You ran a mile in 12 seconds while ironing five sets of school uniforms. Kudos!"

I started thinking, "how can I have my cake and eat it to?"

And it came to me ...

MILESTONES!

Yes, yes, milestones that could even take the form of those numbers and pictures that I have previously seen as possible sources of soul-crunching descent into darkness.

Just places I set in advance that I can look forward to on the horizon, when they are there celebrate the with all my heart, and later look back on them fondly.

And most importantly take no anxious or sad thought if one does not come by, because I will set, many, many POSSIBLE markers and remember my ultimate goal.

Ta-Dah!! I'm very happy with how this is working so far. I'll post some MILESTONES soon.

P.S. There is a really long and complicated back story as to why my thoughts really focus on how to avoid depression and anxiety. The short of it is I don't want to take the psychiatric-flavored meds. Just so you know it's not pure mental masturbation here.

I had some thoughts while reading Suzette's blog and some other shredders' wisdom

A rant in c minor ...

Reading Suzette's blog on powerful reasons why, really got me thinking about what I want for me and my fitness. I was very specific in setting my goals for this mission (where the accountability tool ends on January 8, but is my life's mission) to not include any specific number. I state my goal and say that my success will be reflected numerically (in that the laws of physics and general nutrition will still apply to me) and then what some other sources have to say about the numbers.

I know that setting specific goals is a really good tool for getting what you want, but for some reason when it comes to health people focus on the numbers. My goal is specific. It is TRULY what I want.

Suzette wrote about playing basketball for cardio and how great it would feel and even wrote about how mopping for five hours at work was a real workout and how she likes looking in the mirror and feeling good, etc. I want to feel that.

I read in Dougal's blog of his vision of taking his loved ones to the beach and enjoying his body and the feeling he got and how that feeling even felt like his kids were happier, etc. Yeah, I want that feeling.

Dougal wrote about the scale and why it's not a good measure of progress how body fat is a better indicator of your fitness. And that's true, but what I'm afraid of is getting caught up and depressed because I didn't hit a certain fat % number.

Same thing with the photos. I know I'm eating right and my body feels good, I FEEL like I look good, and I can feel myself getting stronger (ALL WHAT I REALLY WANT FROM MY TRANSFORMATION), and then I stare at my photos and notice no change and get depressed.

But ALL of those things, weight, body fat, photo results are JUST INDICATORS to clue me in on my progress. NONE OF THEM ARE THE GOAL.

MY goal will and shall never again be a number or to look a certain way.

Because those numbers are not specific enough. Numbers to me are just indicators of what some people have noticed correlates to a certain degree of look or appearance. But the truth is what I want in my physical self, this physique transformation, is to have no barriers to my experience of life.

To walk freely, to not pull weird muscles while sleeping (what up with that?), to run and jump and carry stuff that needs carrying without worry or too much strain, to feel confident in my skin, feel strong, feel attract.

FEELINGS. Yes, they don't look as concrete and are not easy to quantify, but I don't give a damn. It is still very specific. My goals have power. My words and thoughts impact my happiness. I feel things intensely and choose to spare myself the grief that those kind of goals bring me.

Because as Lilla said in a comment I read, think of what you, really, really, really want.

I don't want a number. To paraphrase John Travolta on Oprah, I want to live life well.

One day, I want to live so well and so in the moment that I have no goals. But as I've written before, that day is obviously not today, because that sounds like a goal. lol

PS My weight is my only stat, because its the only one I have access to as I am in the Philippines and my mobility issues make it hard for me to get to the market. I get to have my weight by going to a particular wing of the hospital once a week. My physical therapist uses it to gage how many pounds of pressure to use for my the traction they put me in for my back. Plus, my food plan tool (until I can more accurately gage my body's needs by just feeling, because that gage has been thrown a bit off kilter from crazy diets that said my Mission One was done never stepping on a scale or pre-written diet plan, no daily pics but a few, I posted before and after photos on Day 8, Nov. 2nd post) uses my weight to determine the amount of "Points" I can eat.

Day 25! OMG An internet window just opened.

I just posted my "blog" entry on my profile to Adam's RTP-Blog.com (see blogroll). So I'm gonna fly around to every shredder blog I can while the window is open.

Thank you Mike, Suzette, Lilla, Sammy, and Bec for visiting and dropping me awesome comments.

Day 24 - Wonky weird internet

My Mission Goals
My goals:
• Enjoy the good health, strength, and confidence that comes from taking care of my body every day.
• Be a supportive member of the Shredder Counsel.
• Be honest, allow myself to feel all my feelings on this journey, and express them in my blog.

As a byproduct of succeeding at the goals above, my success will also be reflected in statistical data. The American Council on Exercise and says women's body fat should be between 14-31%.
Weight Watchers (my food tool) suggests the healthy weight range for a woman my age is 124-148.
___

I am so glad I was able to post a few well wishes to some of my fellow shredders, but the weird nature of my internet connection is making contact with rtp-blog.com hq very, very slow and some sites not at all possible.

SHOUT OUT TO LYNDA and MIRIAM! MUCH SUCCESS. COULD NOT GET TO YOUR BLOGS YET. I will keep trying.

My connection to blogger is slow, sporadic and does not allow me to see any photos, so I'm flying blind and have no idea if the red dot that appears in my blog is actually a photo or a paranormal occurrence. Internet connection aside, I am very excited about this mission. My Day 24 pics went out in advance so they may be on Adam's blog right now. I have no idea.

My current stat is: 152 lbs (I have no access to other stats, not even a tape measure at the moment).

It's been a great weekend food wise, even got in some upper arm light weight work, but the pain has been very, very scary today. A lot of discomfort and much tingly numbness, which is not a good sign. I will remain positive, but keep this post brief.

Still can walk without the walker. Very, very glad and grateful for that!

HAPPY SHREDDING.

Day 21: Holding steady and petty question--Bikini or Shorts?

I ate my full 35 Flex points last week, and have only 11 points left for this week (resets Sunday). As a result, I am still holding steady at 152 lbs. Glad to not have gained any weight with all the peanut butter eating. I know my body dug that. I also did some eating while chatting on the computer and watching television. As I wrote yesterday, that's not really where I want to be anymore. I dig on enjoying my food, so I'm going to let that be my focus this week:


Enjoy my food.

I'm feeling pretty good about holding steady on the weight, while making significant gains in my strength. I was able to walk up several stairs at the hospital today. Plus, I've been focusing on making each step a quality step. No mindless limping. Focus on each full movement using all the appropriate muscle groups.

I've also added some additional stretches. Going forward, I am planning on doing some "timed" posture exercises and walking further. Today, I will venture to walk outside around the circumference of the yard. I'll count the repetitions and report them here. Also my focus:

Enjoy my ability to walk.

My water drinking and meditation practice is off. I will put that in here starting with tomorrow's for today (it's still day here). So far, I've drank a singular glass of water.

Enjoy drinking water. Enjoy being accountable for aforementioned water drinking.

I better step it up. Tomorrow is picture day. I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to do full bikini photos or not. A ton of people look at Adam's blog, which weirds me out a little. Some days just putting on the swimsuit depresses the hell out of me--I can't imagine taking a photo in a bikini when I'm bloating once a month. Also, the bottoms are sagging a little in the butt. ICK.

On the other hand, it raises the accountability, and I like the idea that my pics will have the same dates on them that every body else's has. When I show more improvement, it'll be easier to see in the bikini.

YOUR THOUGHTS: Bikini or shorts for Adam's blog?

Day 20: Food and my floating head

I used to ignore stress and tax my body and mind constantly with no regard as to the toll it would take on me. Those days are not today. Circumstances have changed my mind and my body, and the option of ignoring stress, well, has been essentially removed.

These days, my body gives me very clear signs when it doesn't like something--shaking, passing out, hair loss, pain, the inability to move my leg, crazy rashes--I mean SUPER CLEAR Christy, ignore-these-at-your-own peril and detriment signs. It's a real gift.

It has FORCED me to be in tune my body. It's like I can't eat too poorly or drink way too much coffee, because I will REALLY feel it. Frankly, at first, I thought it was a real pain the ass, and I thought I got the shaft big time.

But in the last six months, I have found that I take greater pleasure in the movement and nourishment of my my body. I can really enjoy pain-free moments and the taste of food. I know when something tastes really good and feels really good that it is something that my body needs.

Example: My recent peanut butter (peaney butter as Lynda would say) cravings. I caught myself thinking, "What up with the peanut butter? What is in this stuff that is so damn good?"

I just knew there was something in there I needed. Guess what's the main nutritional value in peanut butter? The big winners are Niacin and Magnesium.

Niacin is vitamin B3, which assists in the functioning of the nervous and digestive systems.
Magnesium is a mineral that helps muscles function and helps maintain nerves and bones, too.

It's amazing the accuracy of my cravings. The condition I rehabbing for is a protrusion in my L5 S1 vertebrate that is causing sciatica symptoms. Essentially, I am feeling the effects of nerve impingement and my body keeps sending false signals to the muscles in my leg causing pain and lack of ability to control my leg properly. Blah, blah, blah.

The point, I really need that stuff. I also looked up the other food that I have loved to eat and craved. When I eat it I feel the joy of the food soaking into every inch of my body all the way down to my toes--CORN. (It is mentioned in one of my 14 Group Shred cartoons). I always thought corn was sort of high and carbs and calories for what you get. Turns out, when I look at the nutrition chart for where it really seems to win it is high in the B vitamins (which are so good for nerve stuff my doctor had me on supplements for a while) including the Niacin (6 mg) and the mineral Magnesium (211).

I'm sure a case could be made for any of the foods I've been eating, but maybe that is also the point. I'm looking to food to nourish my body first and foremost. I'm trying to keep the stress down in every arena of my life, including the food I eat. I eat what my body wants. (Not what my mind thinks would be tasty) And what it wants tastes like nobody's business. I mean, I had no idea how tasty peanut butter and PLAIN corn on the cob could be. It is really amazing.

I feel like I am an alien that has never tasted food before or something. It has been really weird. Especially recently, because I have been eating most of my meals in bed, alone. I have been super bored all bed-ridden and meal time is definitely the MAIN EVENT. So during meal time, I do nothing except taste and enjoy every bite of the food. But since the end of the 14 day part of the group shred, I could walk again. Something changed.

I caught myself over-eating a little here and there and not really enjoying the food. And I realized, I was eating in front of the TV or talking more than paying attention to what I was eating. The difference is incredible. I really miss out when I just mindlessly gulp.

I see what I've been doing all my life. It's like I was living in a giant floating head, and my body was just a slave that I beat hard and often. I whipped it to look good. I made it work injured and without sleep, and without feeding it basic foods and nutrients EVEN water. I ignored the slaves every need and request and felt its only purpose was to carry my King head around. And then when I would get sick or tired, the King Head would make lordly resolutions and plans that the slave would have to carry out without any say in the matter. It's actually funny.

I'm finally experiencing (not just understanding, but feeling, knowing, and realizing) what a miraculous machine my body is and how much it is a part of ME. It so obvious, but I have always maintained that the gaps between understand, knowing, and realizing is imperceptible and immeasurable.

My King Head keeps trying to rule, but I think there's a revolution taking place.

Peanut butter, you tempting, devil you!

My body craves peanut butter. I am eating four tablespoons a day, but I could easily subsist on just coffee and a jar of peanut butter if it weren't for my food plan. Here are some haiku's for my new love. (I've got to get out more.)

Scoop it out of the
jar. Spread buttery magic
on your tongue. Pure joy.

Peanut butter slides
down my throat. Body
melts in ecstasy.

Creamy or crunchy.
Both ways are so delicious
Bury me in it.

Know that I am both dead serious and joking and heavily medicated. Shred hard, people. Woo-hoo.

My RTP Shredder Roundup

I just posted this in the comments on Adam's blog as instructed, but thought I'd post it here.

Being part of the RTP Group Shred was an amazing, experience.

I had no idea what to expect, was giddy with excitement, and, at first, a little nervous. But before Day One officially started, the nervousness subsided.

The Highs
The shredder roll call, reverse roll call and all of Adam's videos, the incredible bond between shredders, losing six pounds, getting kind comments daily from fellow shredders, and most importantly walking again.

The Lows
The photos. The process (which was time consuming) was not the hardest part, but actually seeing my pics on a regular basis and looking too closely for changes was really UN-FUN as I got into the second week. Staring at photos, for me, was like staring directly into the sun. The longer I did it, the less I could see. Take pics, post pics, spend your time eating clean (BIG component, super BIG component for me) shredding hard, and thinking big.

My Tips
• Take part in the Pre-Shred Excitement. It really gives you an extra jump on the good vibes and sets a tone for the entire shred.

• Give of thyself. Don't sit back and wait and expect people to read and comment on your blog. Get out there, read and post. You will feel more connected and more accountable. Plus, for me, there were some days when I was down, and reading good news on other people's blogs really lifted my spirits. I wouldn't have been invested in their good news if I didn't read every day.

• Did I mention to not stare at your photos?

• Fall in love with the process. Focus on your workouts, your eating, your blog, supporting your fellow shredders. Do not become overly focused on the results in your day to day. Set aside a set amount of time for you to check your progress (like weekly or in my case, the end of the shred) and fall in love with the shred. It will save you from getting too discouraged or if you turn a big result EARLY resting on your laurels.

If you are worried about whether or not you can do the shred, know you can. You cannot be in much worse physical shape than I was (I could not even walk or stand up without a walker). You do not need to be following the same program as everybody else, and you do not have to worry if it's the right time. There is always something you can do and you always have more to give than you think you do.

Invest in yourself. Take the plunge. I am very glad. I did. If you have any doubts or questions you post a comment and ask.

Day 15: I wowed the folks at the hospital!

I am exhausted from the 14 days Group Shred, but I had a great day. I wowed 'em at the hospital. My physical therapist and all the "regulars" in the waiting room, smiled (even the pedi-cab driver congratulated me) when I walked in and out of the office. I had my walker, just in case, but I carried it!

I have not used my walker once today, and I actually took my medication LATE and barely even felt any pain at all.

I am so psyched that I lost six pounds on the shred, and am continuing to eat clean.

In case anyone is curious, I used Weight Watchers online, the Flex plan. I ate the full 21 points they say you are supposed to eat as a MINIMUM most days, but a few days I just wasn't that hungry. I never once used all 35 flex points, but did use some. My first week I used about 17.5 of the 35 and the second week I only used 4.5 of the 35.

I will allow myself to eat up to the full 35 points this week if I feel hungry.

Shorter post today. I think. I may add something after I watch Adam's video.

PS. Just watched Adam's video, and I was smiling and nearly cried. Plus, he looks so cute in his photo with that RTP hoodie. I can't wait to get home and try on mine. Suzette mentioned that in a way it was lucky that I had my injury so I could participate in the shred. She is SO right. I was just thinking that the other day and just now when I was watching Adam's video. I would have really missed out.

This blog is sort of where I let it all hang out. Typos, run-on sentences, tons of grammar errors, my real thoughts, feelings, heck I even let my GUT hang out, but I love writing it. And despite all the professional kudos I may have gotten a long, long, time ago and my fear that I had missed the professional boat I once had a first-class ticket on, I get a compliment from Adam on my WRITING even though the focus is elsewhere here and I love him for it. The part of my career I came to reconnect and rebuild here in the Philippines, but thought I was taking "a break" from by having this blog IS where I have felt the MOST encouragement. And darn it, this group writes some damn fine blogs.

TRANSFORMATION JOURNEY. Change your life. All true.

If you're reading this and thinking, I could do that. You're right. Join us in Jan. or right now. Drop me a comment. I promise to visit your blog.

Day 14 Congratulations and Thank You

Howdy Shredders!

I am exhausted and elated to reach Day 14 with you guys.

I want to say thank you to Adam Waters for putting together this group shred and being an inspiration to me and providing the means for me to be in the company of such great people. It is no coincidence that you have assembled such an extraordinary group of people, because you are such an extraordinary man. You attract what you put out in the world. Congratulations on you One Year Shredder Birthday!

Thank You to the Shredder Counsel for being on this shred and allowing me to bear witness to your transformations.

Suzette - Thank you for being a blog commenter before being a blog commenter was all the rage. But seriously, thank you for all your support pre-shred (I'm calling all the time Mission One, lol) and on this mission Group Shred. There is no way I would be walking this soon without you.
Andrew - Thanks for your informative blog and incredibly comforting words. I will forever admire your lightning-speed cardio and ironing, two thins I will admire, but never do. lol
Joni - Thank you for the cool video yesterday and your blog, advice and insights including The Potato Wedge Principal. Way to go on being on the "Big Blog" face and all.
Lynda - My Texan in Spain. Thank you for your supportive comments and sending me some of that big Texas energy when I really needed it! (PS You would die if you saw what passes for BBQ here.)
Bec - Speaking of way to go on the Big Blog, thank you Bec for representing the ladies up there, and for being an inspiration. Please send your eight-year-old to take my photos as mine are eternally blurry. lol
Dougal - If we should ever get to meet, I will be challenging complete strangers to kickball and forcing you to keep your promise and let me be on your team. :) Thank you for your inspiration, professional fitness advice, and complementing me on my bikini.
Massimiliano - Thank you! I love typing your name, and the big heart you have shared with me. Fluffy, (my dog) says hi to your fishes and cats and the rest of that Noah's Ark like compound you have out there in Osaka!
Mike - Thank you for being my "after," and showing me there is life after back problems. In a group of 15, you're here! I'm the luckiest girl alive. Thank you.
Sam - Thank you for sharing your feelings and ups and downs with me. I relate to so much of your posts and one day I'll relate to even more things - like having abs and running. :)
Diane - Now when the new kids come, I can say like Adam, "Me and Diane, we go way back!" Thank you for your inspirational blog and that fierce photo pose that I will be adopting when I have muscles in my arms.
Debbie - Thank you for all of your comments and being part of the pre-shred festivities (and brought us Lynda). Despite being busy, you manage to support us all and that is really cool.
Miriam - Thank you for sticking with us and your kind comments. I hope your husband joins us!
Alex - Glad you stayed on shredding mode with us. Thank you for representing the Philippines with me!
Josh - I have no idea if you read blogs you man of mystery Josh. But congratulations and thanks for being with us.

CONGRATULATIONS EVERYBODY! We got through our 14 Days Together! Yippee!

I wish I knew our weekly photos were due this Saturday before I ate that "reward meal" of spaghetti.


A Few Words About All These Photos

If I'd known I was going to be "on the Big Blog" with these pics I would have never posted photos in a bikini and it's too late to hide my face. lol That is the reason for the switch to shorts. So those are my photos to Adam.

The bikini photos are for my blog. I cannot survive taking a photo every week in a swimsuit, it is too traumatic and feeling inducing and I'll have to write another one of my feelings posts so I'll save it for special occasions, but I did want to post my 14 day photos to show I wasn't a complete coward.

My Stats!

Day One: Weight 158
Day 14: 152 (I lost six pounds.)

Total weight loss: 31 lbs.

I have only one stat, because my mission is about walking, and I don't have any access to stat collecting equipment of any kind. I actually only have my weight as a side effect of being in traction and the physical therapist needing them for the machin.

Why I'm Calling this Mission 2!

Mostly because I don't want to renumber my blog. I didn't take a lot of photos for my Mission One and I didn't step on any scales at the end. The last two photos are from what I now call Misson One. The "After" photo was taken approximately two weeks before the recent reemergence of my back problems. I did not have a walker and used the plan outlined on the left.

I will call the next Group Shred (in Jan) Mission 3, because that' s how we roll up in here. I am exhausted and will write about my many, feelings (maybe even a video like Joni) about the Shred.

Good night! It's 2 am and I have physical therapy in seven hours.

I love you all and thank you. You can have no idea how much you all mean to me. Thanks.

Day 13: A Truly Great Day - Kicking it Old School

So, today, I'm gonna kick it old school, and do what I did when I started this blog, A Gratitude List.

Today, I am so Grateful for these things and so much more:
1) Walking (sans walker) with very little pain from one room physical therapy room to the other with the compliments of my therapist.
2) Being able to walk with my walker a considerable distance with a slight incline in the hospital to get to THE SCALE to be weighed. (There's a small bathroom scale in my orthos office, but it's closed while he's making rounds.)
3) Sitting up at my computer as I type this (the first mission post not typed from bed!).
4) My restful, long nap where I woke up when I was rested instead of from a pain.
5) Every nutritious meal.
6) Every shredder, every blog, every comment.
7) My Mom who has been taking care of me.
8) My physical therapist and ortho
9) My Walker
10) Adam Waters

Day 12: Back to Basics

I've been thinking about this shred mission and what I've learned.

I've really learned what works for me and what doesn't. I I stated a mission goal above, and I've been working toward it. But I've realized something.

This kind of goal setting thing/affirmation thing I did above, it's not my bag anymore. Somewhere in my head I told myself, this is what I'm SUPPOSED to do. But that's not true. I was just scared to show myself the way I really am is all.

You see when I first set that goal above, I figured that I'd use those particular words, because it would be more tangible and in the spirit of the shred and be like less weird of a goal considering it was sort of weird that a girl with a walker is taking part in a shred mission at all so why have like a weird goal to go with it.

I thought I could set that goal using those words while secretly knowing my true mission was to put some energy and focus on my body and physical health, because that's the area I had been neglecting since my injury. (Heck my whole life except a few recent months)

But that's not what I wrote, and something happened.

My focus subtly switched. I didn't even notice that it became about exactly what I wrote above. In some ways putting energy toward my body and health looks the same as what I've been doing--walking, rehab exercises, and nourishing my body with good food. But when I started staring at my pics and weeping when I couldn't walk a certain distance, I knew I'd gone down the wrong path for me.

When I started this blog and my transformation journey I said I was just gonna focus on gratitude. I'm on a journey of getting away from being in the producing results business and into more of the enjoying the process business. Because it works better FOR ME.

I dig on being grateful for where I am no matter what. I like doing the work that is in front of me and enjoying it.

I've never put much energy toward my body until I came here to the Philippines, and then I lost some of that focus after a three weeks of being bedridden.

But my mission is to enjoy nourishing my body and enjoy the physical movement of my body. This IS what my next 10 weeks and beyond are gonna be about.

I'm sure as a byproduct of this much physical change will manifest. Heck, I lost 25 lbs. that way.

But, I'll enjoy each step cuz that's what I'm all about these days, and I'll being doing that as a service to other people, too, which means that energy will be mulitplied.

I think Lynda wrote, and I'm paraphrasing, that she was happy that this is what the Universe doled out next for her.

Man, I sure am, too.

Day 11: I LOVE TODAY

I love today!

I have walked further today than ever!

I can put weight on BOTH legs. Look!

As the Rocky theme song says, "Getting stronger!"

BTW, That should read, "...EVERY Single Step."

Day 10: Positive Pressure, Christy, remember the word positive

I am feeling stronger than ever. I worked so hard today. I feel great about that.

I am eating, sleeping and breathing this mission, and I love that part, too.

But I'll be honest. Cartoons aside. Taking these photos lately is bringing me down and bumming me out. It has nothing to do with how I look or any of that. I think I look fine. I'm actually happy about that swimsuit.

I'm just having a lot of feelings. A LOT of feelings. I don't like tying myself to a result. I don't know that photos necessarily do that, but when I take them, I take them and think I want to see progress, where before, I was just happy doing the work.

Maybe one day the photos will be just a part of the process I enjoy. Just documenting the day. But it IS NOT like that right now. It is a roller coaster ride of feelings that plunges downward VERY fast.

Has anybody experienced this? Did you feel it change and mellow out? Were those feelings based on the fact that you saw progress and you got a high off of that or is it that you can snap the photos and feel good even if it doesn't show on that day or for SEVERAL days?

If so, how long did it take and how sensitive about your photos were you to begin with? I really want to know if anyone cares to comment.

I like being happy with the process. I know it may mean that I don't get results fast, but I kind of like enjoying where I am more than getting a result.

I like the idea of the next mission. But it is more responsibility than this mission.

I'M A SENSITIVE GIRL--VERY SENSITIVE. Read my blog. Lots of feelings, and I am gonna feel every one of them and am determined to never suppress another feeling again. However, knowing that, can I handle our next mission and enjoy it?

I like that idea that if we did another mission we would do it after November, because I can see how I will keep focusing on my health, which is VERY IMPORTANT thing for me.

I like keeping in touch with everybody, because I love you all and I don't want to let you go. So I'll just keeping peeking in your blogs through November.

Being a sort of team leader or whatever. I love reading people's blogs and seeing how great they are just as people, and then letting them know I see it. Because that easy and fun and it's been really easy and really fun in this group. BUT I have a very, "we don't want to be on her kickball team," old feeling regarding people being sort of in a group that I lead. lol

Mostly, I am very sensitive to pressure. These days, I like to run my own race, let myself be me, watch things unfold. This is new. Will the higher level of accountability and "positive pressure" feel just like plain old pressure to me?

Will I fall into my old way of thinking? More results. Less journey. Is that a bad thing? Have I fallen into the reverse of my other extreme thinking?

Many, many, thoughts. Many, many, feelings.

Today, I will just try to focus on this mission, each step, and enjoying it.

I'd love to hear what you guys think. Speaking of enjoying, I have blogs to read! Hey, I feel happy already!

It's Day Nine! Holy Cow!

Note: This was posted before I saw Adam's video. My thoughts on Diet Mind Set vs. Habit Mindset are below. So this post is like a choose your own adventure.

If you would like to read about Christy's Day Nine with facts and figures go to Post A.

If you would like to read yet another long-winded, post chock full o' feelings regarding diet mindset vs. habit mindset, go to Post B.

Post A: OMG! Did anyone else have trouble uploading photos to blogger? I just kept trying for like a half hour. I just published this post without any text just to make sure my photos got up. I'm SO GLAD it finally worked.

What a day! Yesterday, in my little comic, I wrote that I made it "close" to the kitchen. Andrew, however, congratulated me for getting all the way to the kitchen.

So today, before I did ANYTHING else while my back and legs were still well-rested I made it all the way to the kitchen and back NO WALKER, NO BREAKS and NO HELP. So I can officially accept said congratulations now, Andrew. Thank you.

I have to take really, tiny, small steps, and I could feel my muscles just quivering. Afterward, Ouch. But I've been stretching and walking and doing my back exercise.

Plus, in order to pet my dog, I have to be able to bend down. Bending over is super dangerous, but my legs are SO WEAK, I can't bend down just yet.

So, I have been doing, like, one quarter squat (not even half) over a chair and the resting. Yes, ONE rep and then rest. It makes me laugh. Tomorrow two or more, baby.

Day 14 looms in the future. I am so tired of this walker and not being able to get my own meals and water (especially because I'm trying to drink 6-8 glasses a day). When I say ditch this walker and be able to make the coffee and pet my dog, I mean I want to ditch this walker completely. I am very grateful to my Mom for taking care of me, and this extra time we have together. And I want to walk really bad, too.

My eating is going right according to plan. For those who know weight watchers, I get 21 target daily points and 35 flex points a week that I can eat up any way I choose. Today, I still have 11.5 points LEFT, and for the week I have 30.5 points flex points left. My points reset on midnight Sunday. There have been some days when I didn't even eat all my points, but I always make sure to eat at least 18 so I'm not starving myself or whatnot.

Hey, this post has actual facts in it and not just my feelings. I guess Andrew and Mike and my fellow shredders are rubbing off on me.

Your encouragement mean so much. And I know that I have worked harder at this than I would have had I not done this mission. It's already DAY NINE.

You said it's good to be nervous, right Dougal?

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Post B: Diet Mindset vs. Habit Mindset

PS This is really long and may not at all be what Adam was talking about. You can still choose A or just read the cartoon.

Adam said he was interested in thoughts on this topic in any aspect of your life not just fitness. Wow, this topic is very relevant to so many very personal parts of my life. I'll just keep it as short as possible.

Every aspect of my life was in the diet mindset. I never took the time to set the groundwork to get into the habit mindset. I always wanted it NOW. I just had this drive (that I'd often been applauded for) to be different to be better to be more ASAP. I was an Over Achiever. Even as a kid, I'd live from report card to report card, pushing, striving, burning out, pushing more. I lived in constant anxiety, my stomach gurgling all the time, even when I was little.

I read so many Self-Help books and Diet Books. I mean dating back to like when I was in sixth grade and I started reading Dale Carnegie. I needed a quick fix. I needed CHANGE.

I couldn't just stay the same. I hated me and my life no matter what I accomplished, I felt like I can DO MORE. If I did more THEN I would be happy. I couldn't imagine it taking six months or three months or in financial aspects seven years. (Hallelujah that time has past!) It was like I was running a race and I so badly wanted to get to the finish line I just kept sprinting. I would fall down and hurt my ankle and still get up without having any regard for my wounds and run some more.

I'd set the milestones and hold in my pain until I hit the next marker and hit and fall with exhaustion. Then I'd yell at myself for not getting up. I hated myself more and more after I slid back to my old habits after each diet. Pretty soon, I couldn't even keep up my diets or life plans. Then I really hated myself. And I realized, all I ever was trying to do was escape PAIN.

I'd eat away my pain with ice cream and McDonald's. I'd stave off the pain with affirmations and goal setting. I'd deny that the person I was that hurting wounded person was "the real me" and went about trying to change me. But the truth is, that was the real me. And I love that person. I was doing the best I could, and if I really look at me with all my heart I feel a well of compassion.

So I hit a point where I could not run away from pain. I could not diet it away. I couldn't achieve it away with accomplishments, crazy romances, partying, nothing. It all stopped working. I was numb, empty and even physically unable to actually get to the party. (although I TRIED).

And that was my miracle. Like Dougal wrote, I hit my rock bottom. I ran until I cracked wide open and was forced into the willingness to stop and look around.

If you've ever read Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner, (like in English class it's old from 1797, which I had to look up) there's this part where he sees that even the water snakes are beautiful and that moment the albatross around his neck (BTW, that is where that phrase comes from) falls off.

That's when I could actually get into laying the foundation for different habits. The albatross of the dieting mindset was freed. I could feel gratitude and love for my water snakes, past and present, including the way I look, the way I eat, the way I think, the way I am. Not deny what was or is, but see it, feel the pain, and feel the relief and feel the joy and love and happiness that is now. And I succeed to the extent that I can each day and this is enough.

And now with that emptied there is new room for new habits. A "Habit Mindset" that for me is based in gratitude and love for what is and not based in some mythical future that I could diet think my way into perfection.

If you're a fan of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, remember how it's the old man telling his story to the person with a certain look in his eye. I think that is partly what this blog is about for me. Boy I'm hoping most people chose A.

Day 8: Progressive Discipline? What could I know about it?

Adam spoke in his Vlog today about the concept of progressive discipline. I thought to myself, "What could I know about this? I'm not even REALLY working out." And then as quicker than ever another voice, said, "You do know something."

I've been an RTP-blog.com follower since the late of April '07, but I didn't even start to use one of Adam's most useful tools, the "accountability blog" in earnest until July 1st.

At first, I just started with smaller minor goals. I knew I did not have the discipline to do what Adam was doing, I even wrote:

I've been inspired by a guy named Adam Waters who's program is very inspiring and INTENSE. I am not so intense for a number of reasons. But if you really want to see somebody go all out and really GO FOR IT, (because my way will be significantly more me and hence a hell of a lot let disciplined) you REALLY HAVE TO CHECK HIM OUT.

Progressive Discipline Means that I Do Not Have to Set Myself Up to Fail

Slowly over time, I started blogging more and upping my commitment to a program. I just couldn't afford to set myself up to run a marathon when I hadn't even made a step. I think that was my problem for a long time. Simply overestimating my mental and physical abilities and setting myself up for failure.

Even when this Group Shred came up, I just posted a comment and said, "I'm in," then rushed over to my best, cyber pal SUZETTE'S blog for some support, and now, I have been blogging and taking photos daily and have even started to walk without my walker. I set a goal and made a plan that was challenging and yet doable.

My Food Has Never Been Better or Easier to Maintain

Food has been a big one for me in the past. But at first all I set up for myself was to focus on drinking water and eating as many fruits and veggies as I could. Later, I would commit to not having too many simple carbs, fried foods, and sweets. I let myself have the occasional treat.

When I realized my immobility was going to be a lot longer than I originally thought, I found a food program that I could do, but would still challenge me. I picked Weight Watchers online. The first week I went over "my points." The second week, I stayed within my points. And now, it is EXTREMELY easy for me to do. Even though the Weight Watchers points system allows for the occasional treat, during this 14 Day Mission, I have had my food the cleanest of my whole life.

I was a lurker.

I loved reading Adam's blog. I poured through the posts and thought, "I can't do that. I don't have the time, I have an injury, etc. etc.." And you know what? I haven't done that. Until recently, I have not set aside the time. I did not have the discipline. BUT I've done something, and this concept that Adam's talking about, progressive discipline, means that one day, I too, will be able to shred hard like Adam and the rest of the shredders, but in the meantime, I can enjoy the fruits of what discipline I can muster. And it grows all the time.

Here are some very personal photos that I thought I would never reveal.

Here are my before and after photos. I am smiling in my before photo, because I was very happy on that day. Not because I was the most disciplined person in the world or that I had hit such a painful point in my life, but because I set myself up to win. That first photo is one of MY FAVORITE PHOTOS of me in the whole world, because I am happy. In that moment, even in a bikini, even being fat, even not being that disciplined, I felt like I was enough. I even can see it and remember the feeling every time I look at it. I knew I would not fail this time, because I was already a winner. So are you. No matter what.

Day Seven: One Week Complete! One More to Go!

Adam asked us to blog about what has surprised us so far on this mission, personal victories, challenges we've overcome on this group shred. That is a tremendous undertaking.

I'll go with the obvious and say I am completely surprised at the level of community feeling of our Shredder Counsel.

I am even more surprised to discover the depth of love and affection I have in my heart for my fellow shredders and Adam. I could never have imagined just how much you all could mean to me in such a short period of time.

I'm amazed at the power of your kind words, and just how inspirational your posts have been to me. The nature of my transformation seemed so odd and weird to me and yet I can relate to your posts so much. I have laughed, smiled, and even wept while reading your posts and comments.

My personal milestones: actually letting myself be seen in a swimsuit, being able to stand and take enough steps to hit the timer for my photos without the walker. I've added more reps to my rehab exercises, and have walked on my own power as far as the living room. I have kept 99% compliance to my food plan and even my doctor commented that I have lost weight since she last saw me just three weeks ago!

My main obstacles have been pain related. From medication alterations, low blood pressure dizziness, and having to keep going without the pain relief of my physical therapy sessions due to holiday closures. But I have had a secret weapon. YOU and this mission.

What's gotten me through it is reading your blogs, meditation, and strangely posting my silly cartoons. The excitement of everybody's triumphs and tales from their mission has really given me something else to focus on when I'm feeling overwhelmed and blue.

I laughed with excitement when Adam said in the day one video about my life not being the same after this mission. I thought he was being dramatic, but there was this hope that it was true.

The kindness of my fellow "shredders" has had a healing effect that is far greater than any doctors, medicine, or exercise. All in just seven days.

You all have changed me and healed me. Miracles come in such unexpected ways.

We still have seven days left!

Thank you.