I went to the doctor. My condition is "structural" and most likely will be reoccuring. I am really not believing that too much, because I lasted through six weeks of martial arts training, and I can identify the very second this injury took place. I'm learning more and more about my body and really feel like, I can work through this and work hard on the preventative side once I heal.
I was getting bummed out a bit. And that's cool, because in a lot of ways being 35 years old, and having these mobility issues IS indeed a bummer. But, I'm walking--thanks to my new WALKER!!!
Yikes! I'm 35, and I use a walker. But I am grateful for it. I was in the cab today. The radio was on. People were walking around enjoying their Saturday. I saw the ocean. The sun was bright. It felt good to be outside. I caught myself just being grateful to see people walking around. It was nice.
I hurt often, but it is not the pain that gets me. I'm afraid again. I'm afraid of pushing too hard and not being able to move at all again. Somewhere while doing the martial arts training, I forgot to be afraid of not being able to walk. And, my greatest fear came true. I injured myself and I'm back at doctors. More meds. More physical therapy. More having to rely on other people to take care of me.
Although being in bed and not being able to just walk to get a diet coke or get a pen or something genuinely sucks at times, it is not nearly as bad as that fear. Being afraid to try again and lose what little I have.
I love poker, and my best friend Sylvia is a professional handicapper. Every gambler knows. Scared money is dead money. Putting my energy into protecting what little I have, only insures that I will never have more.
I cannot be afraid of hurting. I cannot be afraid of injury. That fear does not keep the injury form happening. It just makes the process of healing and growing less fun.
I'm just tryingt psych myself up with this post. My worst fear has come true. Here it is. And when I just take it one small step at a time, focus on what I can do (instead of what I cannot), allow myself to receive the love and help from the people around me, I can see the Truth about me and my situation.
Everything is always happening exactly as it should. I am always okay.
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2 comments:
Self-talk can be one of the best (or worst) things you can do. It would be so easy just to give up and say "screw it" and just not try anymore. Even though that is what you feel like, by not giving into that thought pattern is empowering in itself. You are right in that we can't live in fear of the "what if's". That is not "living."
I am sorry you are going thru this. Keep looking at it as a stepping stone to something greater. The power of your mind and positive thought is something to be spoken of. I will pray for your speedy recovery and a peace that passes all understanding.
You are an angel.
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