Taking it slow

Last night was my first night at the U.S.O. Here's a picture in my brand new U.S.O. volunteer shirt.

I totally lucked out. My fellow volunteer, Jean, is a super cool lady, and the 2am-6am shift is slower and without a lot of chores. Mostly our guests are sleeping, so I just have to do wakeup calls and make coffee or what not and be on hand if somebody misses a plane or needs directions or whatever middle of the night crisis comes about. I'll learn as each thing comes up. But we did get some men from the Air Force in at about 5 am, and my years of being single and not being a particularly good cook came in handy as the most popular order for the boys is to heat up the most depressingly named frozen food item ever - the Celeste PIZZA for ONE.

Years of using strange microwaves and an ability to fearlessly look straight into the glass and know that four minutes on the box never means four minutes in reality came in handy.

My website about thank you notes made a record profit yesterday. The biggest day ever. I am so excited. There are many grateful people in the world.

On the workout front, I've actually been doing my back exercises but forgetting to write it down. Yesterday after my walk, I had that scary weird pain in my leg so I'll have to slow it down. I was just getting carried away with trying to walk further and break a record. Old habits die hard, but I love being mobile so much I'm not gonna let me ego blow it for me. So today I'll walk less distance and really slow and see how I feel.

Yesterday I'm grateful I got to:

• Drink SIX glasses of water
• Eat FIVE servings of fruits and vegetables
• Meditate
• Back exercises
• Walk 1.75 miles

Busy, busy, busy

I've been super busy with stand-up comedy. I haven't had any big shows that are good for taping, but I've been keeping on top of my back exercises and just going out more means I'm walking and standing more.

I've been making a concerted effort to focus on eating more fruits and vegetables during the day. My Size 12 jeans no longer fit. I'll have to buy new pants soon, but money is a little tight.

When I left Los Angeles for the Philippines I weighed between 185-190 an all time high. Now I weigh between 145-150. It's really cool that I haven't gained the weight I lost while I was away. My site dedicated to thank you notes had it's first over 3,000 unique visitor days as of this week. It's so cool!

I'm completely behind in reading my fellow shredder blogs. I am so impressed how everybody keeps on top of their blogs and reading everybody's blogs while working full-time jobs and even having kids. Hats off guys.

I attempted to walk two miles in the neighborhood the other day. Unfortunately, I started hurting pretty bad. But the cool thing is I stayed calm and relaxed and just walked super slowly back home. Sometimes it's the panic of the pain that can really get to you. It's what I think in my head it might mean. Particularly with back pain. I just relaxed, canceled my plans for the evening and rested. I did my back exercises and just keep working through it. I've had to take some advil here and there, but overall, things are getting better.

Day 45: State of Flux

I'm in a real transition period in my life. I'm questioning everything. This is a major healing time for me in more ways than one. I'm excited about going back to the States and doing standup and writing more. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was afraid. I've really been figuring out what I like, need, want and desire and it's really hard to stay the course and not sell myself out. I get caught up with possibilities and opportunities that present themselves without really asking myself, "Is this what I want?" It's even the same with relationships. I'll be cruising through my life and somebody will take an interest. I take a second to see if I want to get to know them, but get swept away in the idea of a new relationship and having to make it work without really thinking, "Do I want this?" It's just everybody (and by everybody I've learned that I'm probably really talking about me) seems so happy to see that I'm settled down with somebody. That there is something secure, but then things start to go a little wonky before I really have decided if this is something I want. And before you know it, I'm putting all my energy into "making something work" instead of even thinking about whether or not my life is enriched by this relationship. When I finally get around to answering the question for myself, it has often been, no. I have only recently realized that I can consider many of my romantic relationships have turned out a tremendous success in that I DID NOT get married. That thought is complete sacrilege in some of my social circles, but it's true for me.

It's the same thing with my standup. I love standup, but before you know it there's all this other stuff that only a few people get a chance to do and it looks like maybe, I'll have a shot, but first I have to see if they'll have me and then before I know it, I'm chasing some dream that may not even be my dream.

It's just I used to get so mad at people who turned down incredible opportunities as being just prima donna snobs. But I've found that what it means for me to be mad at people is usually me being mad that they had the gall to do what I am to afraid of doing. They say so many artists are self-sabotaging, but I'm starting to think that's that it's more self-saving. When Dave Chappelle walked away from his Comedy Central deal, I was so impressed. What an act of self care. To choose your happiness and well being over so much money and a dream that other people would kill for. So much pressure to take the money and do what everyone else expected.

I find it no coincidence that my re-injury happened just after my ticket was set to go back to Los Angeles. There is such a mind body connection. I know the injury is real and so is the pain, but I believe it's an outward manifestation of an inner conflict and it's also quite a bit of good luck and Grace at work.